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The Advent Of Monsoon (Free verse) by anitawit The sky darkens and lowers its brow
Its brilliant blue overcast by a heavy opacity,
The ultramarine hills on the horizon
Change colour like a chameleon
To grey and still lighter grey,
Till they gradually melt away into the dull nebulae
That descend like a brooding mantle
On the face of the earth,
Yellow sunshine withdraws
Its slender fingers and surrenders
To an ominous white
That claws at my open door with slow viscous prodding,
And the first rains dribble silently at my window.
Up the ladder:
en el tiempo que era nina
Down the ladder:
My world Of Emptiness
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.4
Posted: November 22, 2002 8:44 AM PST; Last modified: November 22, 2002 8:44 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.0476813 Overall Rank: 6836 Comments:
[8]
Caducus @ 62.105.88.10
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22-Nov-02/9:02 AM
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This is really good but its very similar to 'Come Nightime' I think you should remove one and enter one of them later, different beasts with the same growl.
[n/a]
anitawit @ 203.200.110.71
> Caducus
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22-Nov-02/9:46 AM
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Similar in flavour perhaps? They were both written in the same year during a stay in the mountains (though the subjects are different).
very evocative and viceral.
in your last line, perhaps the rains could touch/tap at/strum your window (any action as performed by a hand, as that is the metaphor you establish in the line before it)
wanted to create a sense of - personification- in 'dribble silently'- as in a creepy creature dribbling...wanting to be let in... uh, don't know if it worked.
how about 'pry' (to try to force) or 'ply' (to work at repeatedly) silently at ...then it would seem like the creature was trying to get in.
also, 'yellow' sunshine sounds cheery--if dismal is where you are going with this, may i suggest 'yellowed' instead? it feels used, up, aged, nasty.
if you notice, 'yellow sunshine' is cheery, it has 'slender fingers'- but it withdraws and the 'ominous white' gets in, i wanted to contrast the yellow sunshine to the ominous white- monsoon fog and the milky opacity of the sky during continuous rains.wanted to contrast the warmth of the sun with the chill of rainy weather
i'm not sure there is enough separation for the contrast to be effective. perhaps you could separate the dark and light with indented phrasing? to give the reader a physical clue as to the sense of shift in mood?
some sort of a preface to the advent of monsoons, perhaps?
i thought i did leave some clues in the 'brilliant blue' of the sky and the 'ultramarine hills', not enough? separate the light and the dark lines altogether instead of mingling them?
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