poemranker ::The Advent Of Monsoon by anitawit

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Free verse № 26460

The Advent Of Monsoon

by anitawit

Member since 2002 · Posted 22 Nov 2002 · 9 comments

The sky darkens and lowers its brow Its brilliant blue overcast by a heavy opacity, The ultramarine hills on the horizon Change colour like a chameleon To grey and still lighter grey, Till they gradually melt away into the dull nebulae That descend like a brooding mantle On the face of the earth, Yellow sunshine withdraws Its slender fingers and surrenders To an ominous white That claws at my open door with slow viscous prodding, And the first rains dribble silently at my window.

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9 comments

[8] Caducus 22-Nov-02/9:02 AM Reply
This is really good but its very similar to 'Come Nightime' I think you should remove one and enter one of them later, different beasts with the same growl.
[n/a] anitawit › Caducus 22-Nov-02/9:46 AM Reply
Similar in flavour perhaps? They were both written in the same year during a stay in the mountains (though the subjects are different).
[n/a] <~> 2-Jan-03/9:15 PM Reply
very evocative and viceral.

in your last line, perhaps the rains could touch/tap at/strum your window (any action as performed by a hand, as that is the metaphor you establish in the line before it)
[n/a] anitawit › <~> 2-Jan-03/9:55 PM Reply
wanted to create a sense of - personification- in 'dribble silently'- as in a creepy creature dribbling...wanting to be let in... uh, don't know if it worked.
[n/a] <~> › anitawit 2-Jan-03/10:02 PM Reply
how about 'pry' (to try to force) or 'ply' (to work at repeatedly) silently at ...then it would seem like the creature was trying to get in.

also, 'yellow' sunshine sounds cheery--if dismal is where you are going with this, may i suggest 'yellowed' instead? it feels used, up, aged, nasty.
[n/a] anitawit › <~> 2-Jan-03/10:39 PM Reply
if you notice, 'yellow sunshine' is cheery, it has 'slender fingers'- but it withdraws and the 'ominous white' gets in, i wanted to contrast the yellow sunshine to the ominous white- monsoon fog and the milky opacity of the sky during continuous rains.wanted to contrast the warmth of the sun with the chill of rainy weather
[n/a] <~> › anitawit 2-Jan-03/10:42 PM Reply
i'm not sure there is enough separation for the contrast to be effective. perhaps you could separate the dark and light with indented phrasing? to give the reader a physical clue as to the sense of shift in mood?
[n/a] anitawit › <~> 2-Jan-03/10:46 PM Reply
some sort of a preface to the advent of monsoons, perhaps?
[n/a] anitawit › <~> 2-Jan-03/10:52 PM Reply
i thought i did leave some clues in the 'brilliant blue' of the sky and the 'ultramarine hills', not enough? separate the light and the dark lines altogether instead of mingling them?