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Kernel (Free verse) by anitawit
I pass through many sieves in my many lives The lesser I grow in size The stronger I become Approaching closer To the Kernel

Down the ladder: Ghost Girl

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.625
Weighted score: 5.43703
Overall Rank: 2999
Posted: January 2, 2003 7:10 AM PST; Last modified: January 2, 2003 7:10 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.96.46 | 2-Jan-03/11:33 AM | Reply
Simply,cool. love it.
[n/a] anitawit @ 219.65.234.111 > INTRANSIT | 2-Jan-03/8:48 PM | Reply
Thanks. It's encouraging to have you guys read my poems.
[7] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 2-Jan-03/11:37 AM | Reply
can you refine those last 3 lines--make them a little denser, more toward the kernel, if you will?

good idea.
[n/a] anitawit @ 219.65.234.111 > <~> | 2-Jan-03/8:54 PM | Reply
Thanks for the comment, will work on it.
[n/a] anitawit @ 219.65.234.111 > <~> | 2-Jan-03/8:57 PM | Reply
Should I work on the last three lines at the expense of the shape...?
[8] wOrnella Mutiw @ 198.81.26.167 | 2-Jan-03/5:14 PM | Reply
I like......81/2
[7] <~> @ 67.84.171.238 | 2-Jan-03/9:08 PM | Reply
Passing through many sieves in many lives
I grow less and less in size
Becoming stronger
Getting closer
To the
Kernel
[7] <~> @ 67.84.171.238 > <~> | 2-Jan-03/9:11 PM | Reply
i have made this edit for you to show you what i meant--the text needs to be centered as you had it, but won't translate in the comment box.

Also, you have several verb tenses working against each other--i suggest making it less passive, more active so the poem shows that you are in some way contributing to the path towards the center.

i hope these comments were useful to you, and hope i have not overstepped.
[n/a] anitawit @ 219.65.234.59 > <~> | 2-Jan-03/10:01 PM | Reply
Not at all. In fact i am greatful you gave so much time & effort. i get the idea from your edit, but i'm not satisfied yet, will work on it and edit with your advice in mind.
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