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Kernel (Free verse) by anitawit I pass through many sieves in my many lives
The lesser I grow in size
The stronger I become
Approaching closer
To the
Kernel
Up the ladder:
St. Andrews University Marxist Society
Down the ladder:
Ghost Girl
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.625
Posted: January 2, 2003 7:10 AM PST; Last modified: January 2, 2003 7:10 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.43703 Overall Rank: 2999 Comments:
[9]
INTRANSIT @ 64.12.96.46
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2-Jan-03/11:33 AM
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Reply
Simply,cool. love it.
[n/a]
anitawit @ 219.65.234.111
> INTRANSIT
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2-Jan-03/8:48 PM
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Reply
Thanks. It's encouraging to have you guys read my poems.
can you refine those last 3 lines--make them a little denser, more toward the kernel, if you will?
good idea.
Thanks for the comment, will work on it.
Should I work on the last three lines at the expense of the shape...?
I like......81/2
Passing through many sieves in many lives
I grow less and less in size Becoming stronger Getting closer To the Kernel
i have made this edit for you to show you what i meant--the text needs to be centered as you had it, but won't translate in the comment box.
Also, you have several verb tenses working against each other--i suggest making it less passive, more active so the poem shows that you are in some way contributing to the path towards the center. i hope these comments were useful to you, and hope i have not overstepped.
Not at all. In fact i am greatful you gave so much time & effort. i get the idea from your edit, but i'm not satisfied yet, will work on it and edit with your advice in mind.
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