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unsent (Pimple) by Bill Z Bub So now we're simply good friends.
And of course we'll never be married,
but I need to be near you.
I need to touch your hands,
cold from the wheel, and warm
them with my own heat.
When you lose your breath, I'll lend you mine,
take it from me at midnight when you leave.
When you come away from work
and are too tired to talk, take my tongue.
Let my mute devotion
cleanse the years away as you kick
out your legs, free from indecision.
These are the torrents that drown me.
If you dare dive to these depths, bare your neck
for my mouth to speak to you,
for the rough of my chin
on your cheek, once unsure,
that slowly
yields
again.
Up the ladder:
Hai(school)ku
Down the ladder:
My Heart Has Trembled
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.214286
Posted: January 1, 2003 6:48 PM PST; Last modified: July 13, 2003 8:05 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.1566553 Overall Rank: 5177 Comments:
"Maybe were just close friends..." til the end ofthat stanza is pretty much the entire poem. "Rough chin" my personal favorite.
I don't believe the more in love the worse the writing. Without inspiration we are lost. It just a matter of seperating the wheat from the chaff. I serious about that one stanza being the poem. Take all the other stuff away and see if it stands up.
You are so right. Thank you, my dear. Thank you.
The "tundra" line seems to not qite fit for me. Good start otherwise. Plenty of material for moulding here.
If this is your writing getting worse, show me some of your best.
You are like the fat couple from Keeping Up Appearances...I love that show...it's on PBS. Your poem is god but do you write about anything other than girls?
Yes I do. Take a look at "Fa11ing", "Route Nine", "What I Saw at Work Today", and "Lister Writes Haiku" to name four on this site alone.
This is gorgeous. Why did you place 'yours truly' at the end? Lines 10- 12 make my lowback start to tickle, and then I involuntary start arching my back. Good stuff.
Truly this is the highest praise.
As for "yours truly", I just like to be different. Not always the right thing to do.
Its always good to try, what's the worst that can happen?Get rid of 'maybe' and 'surely' from lines 1 & 2. For me that makes it more immediate? What do you think?
1) I love you.
2) Rank me! 3) You have made me a better writer. Thus, see 1).
I tried it. Then got nervous and replaced it with something new. What say you?
I say this is miles better than a three. I also say that this is one of those poems people can relate to and I love your poetry. Grand work.
Here, I gave y'a nine but I can't vote no more votes so you'll have to get other people to vote.
I saw some of your artwork on your homepage & it's even better than your poetry. You are just the kind of talented bastard I hate. I HATE YOU, YOU TALENTED BASTARD!!! heh, heh, heh...I don't really hate you-as if you needed me to tell you that
Thankya. I'm still struggling with the opening line to this one. I am going to change it soon.
ahh. and again. you seducer.
You made me smile and think warm warm thoughts. Thanks. I think this means I'm on the right track here.
"cold from the wheel, and warm
them with my own heat." love the word play right here.way to feel the down stroke. here's what i think about this poem getting a 0. 10! booyah! fuck them tonguein clit is the all time best hangover cure, besides fruity pebbles of course.
i like crunch berries much much better than fruity pebbles. but i'll take what's behind door #1 any morning, hung over or not.
Only one vote so far? Come on people, get out there and rock the poetryvote!
IMNSHO this is one of the best things I have written. Ever. But thats just me.
I am a shameless vote-monger. Rank me! Rank me, DAMMIT!
Yup.
the 'slowly' might look more sexy next to the 'that' and there was a speed bump on the tongue somewhere in the middle. lots of fun though! you're a realy clever writer that tis for surely.
When you're right, you're right. Thankya kindly. Now get out thar and vote, pardner!
I hate to do this to you. For some reason it feels like it's about some one who died. still has that sexy edge you want but it's carrying extra baggage.
Wha? Er, okay. Besides the first line, which I'm having troubles with, I believe this to be one of my best. Now you've made me doubt. I'm horribly insecure about my writing. Sad.
Friends are what we'll always be? Something like that? Ah well. Still like it.
Relax, I'm insecure too. You've got nothing to mope about. So stop, it's unbecoming. Sorry about the comment, I had a fussy kiosk and I'm on the road. To be more specific, I don't like what horus does like in your poem. the steering wheel thing makes it sound hooker-ish. Ignore what I said about the daed thing. Leave it alone for a while sounds like you're trying too hard. Relax, have fun, write something silly or stupid just for a reality check.
I know you probably want this a tad abstract, but I think if you were a bit more in touch with the setting and created more specific images it would be more powerful overall. Not that this isn't a decent effort. There are some nice ideas behind the words but I think you could try to strengthen your metaphor. You did a nice job extending it, but if you threw some more specifics in for clarity, I think you would have a good piece. I was just waiting the whole poem to get that tingling in my lower back and it just never materialized. Damn.
I really dig that a love poem can be clever, and dark, and NOT too sappy. Take my breath and take my tongue are great requests for a kiss.
I'm sorry, you are mistaken. This is not your best work. But it might be, tomorrow. 9
Well, I know it isn't, now. And thanks.
Not really one for love poems, but I enjoyed this piece! Very well written.
lots of non-sequitors on poemranker like 'give you my breath' the follow up about 'take it at midnight' made my day.
Good poem, tight
I have a problem with 'that' in the 3rd-to-last line. Could it be "will" or perhaps just move straight to slowly?
Hmm. Hoom. Hum. "will slowly/ yield/again."?
"can slowly/ yield/ again" "must slowly/ yield/ again" "yields/ again" ? AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAa. Rewriting and rewriting and reswdfitlnvinldv...... ...I need a glass of water. 326 view(s)
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I'm bloody tired.