| Re: Damage by Caducus |
4-Aug-03/10:57 AM |
cad, this is heart-felt, but strictly speaking in terms of poetic devices employed, it needs a once-over. you are forcing the rhyme, to the detriment of the message. consider fewer pronouns. consider making the voice more active. a sample transformation:
In my void I was fulfilled,
I'd nothing pure to give
a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure,
to make them feel secure,
and promise everything
Then slam the door.
okay, that's not much trimming, but it gives the words more violence. which they need, based on the intent. passive voice doen't work here.
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| Re: Moosefart's Revenge by wwFrasier Allonbyww |
4-Aug-03/10:44 AM |
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wow. as a bipolar2 myself, i disown her.
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| Re: beauty by nolan |
4-Aug-03/10:39 AM |
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| Re: father by girlandwords |
4-Aug-03/10:38 AM |
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| Re: American Eden by Don-Quixote |
4-Aug-03/10:36 AM |
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| Re: Karma by http://mulberryfairy |
4-Aug-03/10:16 AM |
nice. especially like, "like a recent victim
on a Lifetime movie. " (but i'd delete 'recent')
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| Re: A Reporters Saturday Headline Review by Don-Quixote |
4-Aug-03/8:19 AM |
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sorry dq, this leaves me flat. maybe i'm in a mood this morning, but it's coming across as imitative and banal. the bar just got heavier.
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| Re: Sex on bugs by LuckyJoe |
4-Aug-03/8:13 AM |
luckyjoe-
this is poorly written, and entertaining in a pre-teen, wow SEX! kind of way. you give everything away; you give nothing away, and you do it without skill. i suspect you plan on beoming a teacher, since you gave us a list of reading-comprhension questions at the end.
insteadof being impressed by your misguided sense of your own cleverness, may i humbly suggest you study the english language?
that is all.
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| Re: a comment on -=Dark_Angel=- RAP by poemwanker |
4-Aug-03/7:41 AM |
have i been particularly pestilential towards you of late? i had not noticed. i guess maybe i should sit a few rows back on the bus. maybe that would help? or maybe not buy exactly the same groceries as you? nor wear my hair like that?
no, sorry, i could not go on if i left you alone. the restraining order was on pink paper this time. its flaccid hue makes a lovely bright spot in my collection.
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| Re: a comment on -=Dark_Angel=- RAP by poemwanker |
4-Aug-03/7:26 AM |
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| Re: Lethal Weapon by poetandkonwit |
2-Aug-03/6:13 PM |
shit. you got me!
hahahaha!!!
wank!
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| Re: a comment on Lethal Weapon by poetandkonwit |
2-Aug-03/5:58 PM |
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it means he asks me if i slept naked.
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| Re: Oxywarmonger by poetandknowit |
2-Aug-03/1:09 AM |
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yes. much clearer. but you forgot homeland security and the TIA. althou those are probably buzz words, and now we're both on a list...
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| Re: a comment on Can you believe this piece of shit was #1? by horus8 |
1-Aug-03/1:25 PM |
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hey, don't forget your painted pony and your spinning wheel.
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| Re: a comment on Witness to a Murder by poetandknowit |
1-Aug-03/10:32 AM |
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| Re: a comment on Oxywarmonger by poetandknowit |
1-Aug-03/10:03 AM |
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| Re: Everyone thinks I'm Settle by King Abdullah II |
1-Aug-03/10:01 AM |
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oh, my! i had never seen this one! and, for the longest time, i did think you were settle. may i still call you settle? you know,for old times sake? <sniff>
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| Re: a comment on I'll Save You The Effort by wwFrasier Allonbyww |
1-Aug-03/9:59 AM |
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envy? no, non, no. i'm not endowed for envy.
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| Re: a comment on I'll Save You The Effort by wwFrasier Allonbyww |
1-Aug-03/9:59 AM |
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had you left your moniker as -=Dark__Angel=-, i would have noted it! and i'm pretty damn sure there were only a handful you didn't fool on that one. nice work, there.
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| Re: a comment on I'll Save You The Effort by wwFrasier Allonbyww |
1-Aug-03/9:27 AM |
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