poemranker ::Damage by Caducus

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Free verse № 59149

Damage

by Caducus

Member since 2002 · Posted 4 Aug 2003 · Edited 4 Aug 2003 · 6 comments

I was unknowingly raped back then, And I would savor the moment it occurred, On your lips I would kiss other men, Love isn’t blind but its victims are blurred. After your deceit I despised you, Yet you were what I became, Through others I was inside you, Raping you, And each time I came. In my void I was fulfilled, I'd nothing pure to give a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure, to make them feel secure, and promise everything Then slam the door. I fail to recognize myself anymore, And who I became by design. So many lies lay siege to my core, And pain gets worse through time, It does not heal the wounds, It just inflicts relentlessly, Emotions sleep in disturbed tombs, Tombs that lay empty. After you destroyed me, I craved to be in control, I gave my body but never my soul, And now I am consumed, By loneliness and guilt, And love cannot be exhumed, It just lays buried in scarlet silk. written: 27sep1992

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6 comments

[8] http://mulberryfairy 4-Aug-03/10:40 AM Reply
Been there. Some of the rhymes take away from how well you explained the process of becoming the one who hurt you.
[7] <~> 4-Aug-03/10:57 AM Reply
cad, this is heart-felt, but strictly speaking in terms of poetic devices employed, it needs a once-over. you are forcing the rhyme, to the detriment of the message. consider fewer pronouns. consider making the voice more active. a sample transformation:

In my void I was fulfilled,
I'd nothing pure to give
a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure,
to make them feel secure,
and promise everything
Then slam the door.

okay, that's not much trimming, but it gives the words more violence. which they need, based on the intent. passive voice doen't work here.
[n/a] Caducus › <~> 4-Aug-03/12:38 PM Reply
You're right Z and I have took your advice but will amend again when the moment pulls.

Thanks
Cad
[7] <~> 4-Aug-03/6:04 PM Reply
once more, with feeling. always cut away all those extra filler words (it was, just, only, etc...)
my suggs:

Time won't heal these open wounds,
Inflicted relentlessly;
Emotions linger, disturbed tombs
broken, emptied.

After you destroyed me
I craved control;
I gave my body but never my soul.
And now, consumed
By loneliness and guilt,
This love cannot be exhumed
Buried in scarlet silk.
[9] Craychus 5-Aug-03/4:14 AM Reply
man..this is excellent. so strong and skilfully crafted. thank you. 9
[9] poetryman 8-Nov-04/4:44 PM Reply
an awesome piece as far as learned behavior is concerned, the vicious cycles of life need to be broken by those who are mentally stronger, the story is sad, but well told, don't be a victim by creating victims....God Bless....Bob:)