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Damage (Free verse) by Caducus I was unknowingly raped back then,
And I would savor the moment it occurred,
On your lips I would kiss other men,
Love isnât blind but its victims are blurred.
After your deceit I despised you,
Yet you were what I became,
Through others I was inside you,
Raping you,
And each time I came.
In my void I was fulfilled,
I'd nothing pure to give
a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure,
to make them feel secure,
and promise everything
Then slam the door.
I fail to recognize myself anymore,
And who I became by design.
So many lies lay siege to my core,
And pain gets worse through time,
It does not heal the wounds,
It just inflicts relentlessly,
Emotions sleep in disturbed tombs,
Tombs that lay empty.
After you destroyed me,
I craved to be in control,
I gave my body but never my soul,
And now I am consumed,
By loneliness and guilt,
And love cannot be exhumed,
It just lays buried in scarlet silk.
written: 27sep1992
Up the ladder:
Black Rose
Down the ladder:
Moving Forward In Reverse (For Ann)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Posted: August 4, 2003 7:07 AM PDT; Last modified: August 4, 2003 12:37 PM PDTWeighted score: 6.9640274 Overall Rank: 135 Comments:
[8]
http://mulberryfairy @ 216.195.144.59
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4-Aug-03/10:40 AM
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Reply
Been there. Some of the rhymes take away from how well you explained the process of becoming the one who hurt you.
cad, this is heart-felt, but strictly speaking in terms of poetic devices employed, it needs a once-over. you are forcing the rhyme, to the detriment of the message. consider fewer pronouns. consider making the voice more active. a sample transformation:
In my void I was fulfilled, I'd nothing pure to give a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure, to make them feel secure, and promise everything Then slam the door. okay, that's not much trimming, but it gives the words more violence. which they need, based on the intent. passive voice doen't work here.
You're right Z and I have took your advice but will amend again when the moment pulls.
Thanks Cad
once more, with feeling. always cut away all those extra filler words (it was, just, only, etc...)
my suggs: Time won't heal these open wounds, Inflicted relentlessly; Emotions linger, disturbed tombs broken, emptied. After you destroyed me I craved control; I gave my body but never my soul. And now, consumed By loneliness and guilt, This love cannot be exhumed Buried in scarlet silk.
man..this is excellent. so strong and skilfully crafted. thank you. 9
an awesome piece as far as learned behavior is concerned, the vicious cycles of life need to be broken by those who are mentally stronger, the story is sad, but well told, don't be a victim by creating victims....God Bless....Bob:)
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