<~>4 Aug 2003

cad, this is heart-felt, but strictly speaking in terms of poetic devices employed, it needs a once-over. you are forcing the rhyme, to the detriment of the message. consider fewer pronouns. consider making the voice more active. a sample transformation:

In my void I was fulfilled,
I'd nothing pure to give
a skilled liar, choosing to lure the pure,
to make them feel secure,
and promise everything
Then slam the door.

okay, that's not much trimming, but it gives the words more violence. which they need, based on the intent. passive voice doen't work here.