| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
American Eden (Free verse) by Don-Quixote [A work in progress, heavy crit wanted..]
Life...
Its not about how
one man fails societies code of morality,
blaming his drunken father
and his mother who was never home.
Its not about how
another man follows a gentleman's
code of honor, drilled into him since
he was a toddler
by his polite and decent mum.
Its not about how
one was raised, or where
a person came from.
Its not even about how
a man commits horrid crimes against humanity
to soothe the pain of his tormented insanity.
Its about how the tortured
become weak, timid, and lazy.
Sadly buried far too deep in self pity,
too fearful to open rusted eyelids.
Its about how the brave
take the ashes of a war
and turn it into solid bricks
to build a skyscraper.
Its about how a poet
looks at a blank piece of paper
and does not see pure white snow
but a beautiful rainbow
of color just waiting to be realized.
Its about how ghosts
are electric spirits
wandering in the kindergarten
classroom of this universe.
Its about orphans made into slaves
chained immediately since birth,
prepared neatly to be returned to the earth
unrealized and unfulfilled.
And I suddenly realize that
I do not live the American Eden.
I now know that we are in hell.
Up the ladder:
In Gold Leaf
Down the ladder:
A Reason to Live
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.8
Posted: August 3, 2003 7:09 PM PDT; Last modified: August 3, 2003 7:09 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9761596 Overall Rank: 8332 Comments:
Hmmm.. A bit long, the ending was great, try it this way. Lose the ghost stanza, and I think the poet stanza doesn't really fit. Other that I see potential. Both to make something very artistic and to fuck it up. Have fun.
the poet stanza, i agree it doesnt fit, but the ghost stanza.. cmon, thats a fucking masterpiece, and works beatifully in it.
And about potentially fucking it up, i dont fuck things up, trial and error just makes me succeed, its just a matter of time, and i dont take long to jump to the next level.. now, really, i want to know why you think the ghost stanza doesnt work.. id love to hear this, because we are basically energy, everything is a form of energy.. and we are children, some of us teenagers, and very few are old wise teachers. And looking at history, 90% of humanity is still in kindergarten.. a long torturouse path of evolution that makes me think most of us are autistic or simply crazed retards. do you disagree?
The ghost stanza, is nice but just doesn't seem to fit. Look at the rest of the poem. You are talking about torture, bravery, slavery, morality, and etc., etc. The Idea of a spirit, the soul of a being that is supposed to have passed on, just doesn't work right here. Don't get me wrong you've thought it out well. Depth, you have here like nobody's business. The main reason, I feel that ghost doesn't belong? You need a better verb than are. Your other Stanzas, have a verb that is both appropriate, and futher builds the desire to read on(Well other than the one about the poet, for some odd reason look just doesn't go right there). I do not feel that the ghost stanza is a masterpiece, not compared to how I see the rest of the poem. Try copying this into word, or notepad, or whatever you write in, and try, just deleting the Poet and Ghost Stanzas. If you don't like it fine by me, but I like it much better that way.
yes but can't you see we're all just energy? and the universe is a kindergarten? if only you would understand that, you might find that the ghost verse isn't the complete load of bollocks that it actually is.
I could, but not without some thermo nuclear goggles and a qp.
WIMPS AND QUARK NUGGETS
Line 2: its => it's
Line 3: societies => society's Line 6: its => it's Line 11: its => it's Line 14: its => it's Line 17: its => it's Line 19: self pity => self-pity Line 21: its => it's Line 25: its => it's Line 30: its => it's Line 34: its => it's
Line 2: It's
Line 3: society's code Line 6: It's (It's needs an apostrophe throughout) Maybe add something about the tortured's so-called "learned helplessness" self-pity instead of self pity I like the line about rusted eyelids. take the ashes of a war and turn it into solid bricks (change "it" to "them" - the ashes) and does not see pure white snow- maybe change to "the white purity" but a beautiful rainbow of color just waiting to be realized. (little too cliche there, maybe "a spectrum of colors aching to be released (or restored)" chained immediately since birth, - how about "chained immediately after birth" or "chained since birth" I like the last three lines. This has some good parts, but I think you need more fresh images. Some parts, especially earlier in the piece, are too teachy.
http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?45442B7C000C07070B72
http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?45442B7C000C07000874 http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?45442B7C000C07010975
The Mad Potter was my favorite of that trio, thanks for posting the urls.
hey.. thanks everyone for the corrections and such, including suggestions and grammar notations.. very helpful.
258 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Also, I disagreed about your feelings on the tortured, and orphans. We will win, because we already have. Go with the flow, the path of least resistence until it's time to resist, than the dam will crack as planned.
I think you should bury the hatchet.. i dont think thom is going to wake up and see your an angel and not the devil..