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American Eden (Free verse) by Don-Quixote

[A work in progress, heavy crit wanted..] Life... Its not about how one man fails societies code of morality, blaming his drunken father and his mother who was never home. Its not about how another man follows a gentleman's code of honor, drilled into him since he was a toddler by his polite and decent mum. Its not about how one was raised, or where a person came from. Its not even about how a man commits horrid crimes against humanity to soothe the pain of his tormented insanity. Its about how the tortured become weak, timid, and lazy. Sadly buried far too deep in self pity, too fearful to open rusted eyelids. Its about how the brave take the ashes of a war and turn it into solid bricks to build a skyscraper. Its about how a poet looks at a blank piece of paper and does not see pure white snow but a beautiful rainbow of color just waiting to be realized. Its about how ghosts are electric spirits wandering in the kindergarten classroom of this universe. Its about orphans made into slaves chained immediately since birth, prepared neatly to be returned to the earth unrealized and unfulfilled. And I suddenly realize that I do not live the American Eden. I now know that we are in hell.

http://mulberryfairy 4-Aug-03/10:24 AM
Line 2: It's
Line 3: society's code

Line 6: It's (It's needs an apostrophe throughout)

Maybe add something about the tortured's so-called "learned helplessness"

self-pity instead of self pity

I like the line about rusted eyelids.

take the ashes of a war
and turn it into solid bricks (change "it" to "them" - the ashes)

and does not see pure white snow- maybe change to "the white purity"
but a beautiful rainbow
of color just waiting to be realized.
(little too cliche there, maybe "a spectrum of colors aching to be released (or restored)"

chained immediately since birth, - how about "chained immediately after birth" or "chained since birth"
I like the last three lines.
This has some good parts, but I think you need more fresh images. Some parts, especially earlier in the piece, are too teachy.




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