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American Eden (Free verse) by Don-Quixote

[A work in progress, heavy crit wanted..] Life... Its not about how one man fails societies code of morality, blaming his drunken father and his mother who was never home. Its not about how another man follows a gentleman's code of honor, drilled into him since he was a toddler by his polite and decent mum. Its not about how one was raised, or where a person came from. Its not even about how a man commits horrid crimes against humanity to soothe the pain of his tormented insanity. Its about how the tortured become weak, timid, and lazy. Sadly buried far too deep in self pity, too fearful to open rusted eyelids. Its about how the brave take the ashes of a war and turn it into solid bricks to build a skyscraper. Its about how a poet looks at a blank piece of paper and does not see pure white snow but a beautiful rainbow of color just waiting to be realized. Its about how ghosts are electric spirits wandering in the kindergarten classroom of this universe. Its about orphans made into slaves chained immediately since birth, prepared neatly to be returned to the earth unrealized and unfulfilled. And I suddenly realize that I do not live the American Eden. I now know that we are in hell.

thepinkbunnyofdoom 4-Aug-03/12:02 PM
The ghost stanza, is nice but just doesn't seem to fit. Look at the rest of the poem. You are talking about torture, bravery, slavery, morality, and etc., etc. The Idea of a spirit, the soul of a being that is supposed to have passed on, just doesn't work right here. Don't get me wrong you've thought it out well. Depth, you have here like nobody's business. The main reason, I feel that ghost doesn't belong? You need a better verb than are. Your other Stanzas, have a verb that is both appropriate, and futher builds the desire to read on(Well other than the one about the poet, for some odd reason look just doesn't go right there). I do not feel that the ghost stanza is a masterpiece, not compared to how I see the rest of the poem. Try copying this into word, or notepad, or whatever you write in, and try, just deleting the Poet and Ghost Stanzas. If you don't like it fine by me, but I like it much better that way.




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