| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/6:32 AM |
i think that people don't like it becuase you treat the subject with forced rhyme and uneven meter. the wording is clumsy. if you are trying to persuade people to see it your way, you need to be smoothly convincing, especially if you set out to do so in such a measured way. if you can't do rhyme in a way that doesn't feel forced, leave it alone for a while. if you can't keep the beat, don't put one in. write free verse--show us what you mean instead of telling us. that 'border crossing' poem shows more about the arrogance of whites than this does. you come across as a wanna-be martyr here.
so, it's not that people can't identify with what you're saying--it's that you've not communicated it effectively enough for them to care.
|
|
|
 |
| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/7:33 AM |
"and such". hahahaha. why in the hell did you put that in there? okay, seriously, for such a swirly poem, why did you make the rhythm so choppy? make you form follow function, dreamer.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Call Of Cannons by SupremeDreamer |
31-Jul-03/7:34 AM |
|
wow. so many metaphors, so little unity.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Deranged Sailor: Sea Sickness [revised] by SupremeDreamer |
31-Jul-03/7:38 AM |
okay, i'll complement you on the last strophe--the idea of it anyway--but why not show me instead of telling me?
you know how, when you're at a family picnic, and your aunt corners you tell tell you one of her stories that goes on and on and on? well? USE SOME FRESH LANGUAGE, DAMN YOU! or you will be that aunt. even if you do have a penis.
see: http://www.uni.edu/~gotera/CraftOfPoetry/imagery.html
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/7:38 AM |
|
okay i wont try to punctuate it either
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/7:39 AM |
|
local monk. good one. local monk.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Pencil Dust [revised] by SupremeDreamer |
31-Jul-03/7:40 AM |
did he open his robe for you???
DID HE SHOW YOU HIS PRIVATE PARTS!!!!!????
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/7:44 AM |
delete the comma in L2
L4--swaying stroke? or did you want a double noun?
L5--like a crayon burnishing an inscription?
L7--"in what said my spent time" obfuscates.
almost there. almost clear. whip smart, richa.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Your Great by scitz |
31-Jul-03/8:54 AM |
|
hahahahah!!! oh, yeah. you nailed it, scitz. bravo.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Your Great by scitz |
31-Jul-03/8:56 AM |
|
p.s.--great misspelling in the title!
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/11:48 AM |
|
|
|
| Re: I, Ann Boleyn by http://mulberryfairy |
31-Jul-03/11:51 AM |
|
|
|
| Re: I, criminal by INTRANSIT |
31-Jul-03/11:55 AM |
|
i'm not getting it. i came back many timnes. it works, but it is far-too open-ended for me. call me simple. i like things spelled out more.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Witness to a Murder by poetandknowit |
31-Jul-03/11:58 AM |
|
remove the ' in worlds, grammar boy.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/12:52 PM |
|
the last line is very weak, in light of your set-up.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Magnets & Cross-Eyed Children by Bachus |
31-Jul-03/1:07 PM |
|
sweet father of nearsighted little-leaguers!
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-Aug-03/8:19 AM |
|
i like the out-flow on this.
|
|
|
|
| Re: I'll Save You The Effort by wwFrasier Allonbyww |
1-Aug-03/9:13 AM |
no, only when you act like an asshole.
you still have plenty of untainted ids.
|
|
|
|
| Re: I'll Save You The Effort by wwFrasier Allonbyww |
1-Aug-03/9:14 AM |
|
but the poem is quite humorous. have a 10. because we are amused, sir.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Everyone thinks I'm Settle by King Abdullah II |
1-Aug-03/10:01 AM |
|
oh, my! i had never seen this one! and, for the longest time, i did think you were settle. may i still call you settle? you know,for old times sake? <sniff>
|
|
|
|
