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Pencil Dust [revised] (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
The tune of sorrow speaks of tomorrow in a lampshade casting light on a dark empty street. The sign of defeat painted on the feet of a beggar. His brown coat floats over worn boots; the roots of poverty. His footsteps speak a tale of pale bones that lie lonely in the middle of the road. A young fool goads the old man to a duel of words hung on the cords of electricity hanging across the globe. Beneath the old man's robe is a pen, rusty and covered in a layer of dust. The young man's pocket held a pencil stolen from the school repository.

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.875
Weighted score: 5.5042653
Overall Rank: 2662
Posted: July 30, 2003 6:32 PM PDT; Last modified: July 30, 2003 10:51 PM PDT
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[8] Lifeboatman @ | 31-Jul-03/12:35 AM | Reply
I have a greater affinity for pencil sharpener shavings... but this certainly was enjoyable.. 8
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > Lifeboatman | 31-Jul-03/12:58 AM | Reply
im happy you enjoyed it. ;)
[5] <~> @ | 31-Jul-03/7:40 AM | Reply
did he open his robe for you???

[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > <~> | 31-Jul-03/8:08 AM | Reply
did i piss you off particularly? eh? recently? because for some reason im getting a lashing.. but its not amusing, not does it even piss me off.. its just stupid.. but continue, i dont give a shit really.
[5] <~> @ > SupremeDreamer | 31-Jul-03/8:14 AM | Reply
you pissed me off because you were writing some quality stuff, and you've been hacking your way through the last half-dozen ones you've posted. i thought you were rasing the bar, but it feels like you just got lazy. and nothing pisses me off more than somebody who can do something well that doesn't bother to. what a fucking waste.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > <~> | 31-Jul-03/8:24 AM | Reply
hey, woah alright, relax.. i can write well, yes, i can, but im not some fucking expert or pro, quite frankly i dont even have a highschool education, my grammar and spelling is shit, and im just starting to write better than my usual teenage angst bullshit. What do you expect? eh? for me to write perfect beautiful masterpieces each time? im WORKING to get to that point man.. im quite happy with my improvement aswell, though i admit, my latest writings are lacking the bang of my usual.. i admit that.
[5] <~> @ > SupremeDreamer | 31-Jul-03/8:36 AM | Reply
i don't care if you don't have an 8th grade education. do you think that letters after your name is what makes you a writer? no, i didn't think you did. i'm riding your ass because you can be better. <cracks whip>

and there is no such thing as a perfect beautiful masterpiece. every piece of writing, ever, was omly finished when the writer died. so keep working. and fuck being perfect. it's a lie.

that is all.
[n/a] DreamerSupreme @ > <~> | 31-Jul-03/8:43 AM | Reply
oki doki captain.. ill raise the damned bar then.. yikes.. with horus and you kicking me around ill be a muscle bound sailor..
[5] <~> @ > DreamerSupreme | 31-Jul-03/8:47 AM | Reply
well, then. come up and see me sometime, sailor. i likes 'em young. rar.
[n/a] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ > DreamerSupreme | 11-Aug-03/3:28 AM | Reply
That's a hell of a thing to say knowing I have no legs.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > <{Baba^Yaga}> | 11-Aug-03/6:01 AM | Reply
you got a long and flexible tongue though.. and its very narrow at the tip.. ;P
[n/a] <{Baba^Yaga}> @ > SupremeDreamer | 11-Aug-03/3:31 AM | Reply
Can you reacquaint me with your old bangs?
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ > <{Baba^Yaga}> | 11-Aug-03/6:02 AM | Reply
err.. no.
[8] Caducus @ | 11-Aug-03/2:05 AM | Reply
With exception to stanza 1 I thought this was well written. I've seen all the comments below about you being lazy lately but there are some vivid touches in this poem (stza 2/3/5 particularly).

One thing I have learned (you may have the same problem) writers need to be selfish, I suffer from being thoughtful but will NEVER leave a poem half way through if my gal asks me something.

No one it seems understands us, heres your 8
[7]... Jill Stockinger @ 0:0:0:0:0:0:0:1 | 2-Jan-21/1:12 PM | Reply
I love some of this! But great lines lose impact when mixed in with cliches. The last stanza is marvelous.
[7]... Jill Stockinger @ | 2-Jan-21/1:12 PM | Reply
I love some of this! But great lines lose impact when mixed in with cliches. The last stanza is marvelous.
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