Comments byBill Z Bub, 261–280 back, including replies. Only comments on poems

replying on Burst! by INTRANSIT 19 May 2003, 7:31 PM
Oh, wait, I read it again. I think I got it.
"do a little dance andthendrink a little wata"
replying on Choose by joydoll 19 May 2003, 7:26 PM
Yeah, that was a freaky but cool movie.
on Burst! by INTRANSIT 19 May 2003, 7:23 PM
There's certainly a sense of power here, but I don't get the last three lines.
replying on may 18 by Bill Z Bub 19 May 2003, 7:13 PM
Thank ya kindly! But I've changed it again! What do you think now?
replying on may 18 by Bill Z Bub 19 May 2003, 4:17 PM
Yeah, I'm not satisfied with the ending. Or the beginning, for that matter. I added the final two lines on the fifth edit here, because it needed something to sew it up.
Hmm.
on John Denver's hang-glider by horus8 19 May 2003, 4:06 PM
Great stuff.
"All fine examples of secret movement."
Here's a tenner. Don't spend it all in one place.
replying on may 18 by Bill Z Bub 19 May 2003, 9:05 AM
Oops! I meant GAUZE, not gauss. Gauss is a german mathematician. Gauze is a thin transparent fabric with a loose weave.
I wish I knew her reasoning too.
replying on may 18 by Bill Z Bub 18 May 2003, 8:38 PM
Hey Intransit. Yeah, this one is a little enigmatic I suppose. You should have seen the first draft! Every re-write it gets a little clearer, I think I'm closing in on something...
I hope someone out there will get it, but dammit it's my own fault for being so damn obscure sometimes. I've already edited this 4 times tonight, so come back later, I'll have cleared up a few mysteries I hope.
But in the meantime, I hope the words are enjoyable on their own, even if the larger meaning is encrypted. I'm trying to find an equilibrium. Some words I use for the beauty and cadence, and strange levels of meaning. Style/content... and even a bit of form,
Simple language rearranged into strange orders, juxtaposed with shards of an image, arranged and ordered. I read it aloud and try to feel the rhythm... the sound, the images... And someday I hope to succeed on all levels. Someday. ****
(Was that pretentious enough?
Guess what? This isn't plagiarism! Why not? Because you wrote "by William Shakespeare" at the end. You didn't try to pass it off as your own.
Now that's what I call irony.
replying on Endure by Felzpoet 18 May 2003, 7:26 PM
And if you're still pissed at me, feel free to critique one of my pieces. Hack it up.
replying on Endure by Felzpoet 18 May 2003, 7:22 PM
I understand. Believe me, I understand. But that doesn't make it a good poem.
But that's just one dude's opinion. You need imagery that's a little more original, is all.
replying on Endure by Felzpoet 18 May 2003, 6:10 PM
Good one.

But seriously, "heart turn to ice"?
stabbed with a knife?
I need you and me to be?

It's an eggtray of bad cliche.
But keep writing, ya gotta start somewhere.
replying on Let Me Breathe by Felzpoet 18 May 2003, 5:59 PM
On second thought, sometimes I'm just too kind. (How's THAT for arrogance?)
on Endure by Felzpoet 18 May 2003, 5:55 PM
why.
on Let Me Breathe by Felzpoet 18 May 2003, 5:54 PM
The breathy bits are okay, but this piece needs some clearasil, STAT!
(Don't mind the arrogance, it's just the thing to do) ;)
replying on Hardest Thing by Felzpoet 18 May 2003, 4:55 PM
Yep, that's what I see too. Just checking.
on Recipe for Regaining Youth by Blade 18 May 2003, 4:32 PM
Sick.
on Hardest Thing by Felzpoet 18 May 2003, 4:24 PM
What do you see when you read this poem?
on I am your pea by Figure 8 28 Apr 2003, 12:08 AM
Zounds. I like it!
replying on deleted scenes by Bill Z Bub 27 Apr 2003, 6:20 PM
I hate Linkin Park. But I do love limeade. How did you know?