replying on Looking Back by x0lovelylarnx0
18 Mar 2006, 6:27 AM
'knowbody is perfect'...that is possibly the most ironic thing I've ever seen! I don't mean to sound harsh, it just made me chuckle. 'Element'ry' fits better than 'elementary' would.
replying on My God by ElmoBeavisButthead
18 Mar 2006, 6:24 AM
Oh - and I'd change the title. It seems like an exclamation at the moment and gave me a false impression before I read the poem. Don't be afraid to try a slightly more pretentious title (I love coming up with cool titles) - you could play on the biblical 'I Am' - which is the classic trick in a poem like this. So, for instance, "God, I Am" might work, or even just "I Am". What do you think?
on My God by ElmoBeavisButthead
18 Mar 2006, 6:13 AM
Hmm, I never was one for existential thought, but it's not a bad poem. I like the fact that it's concise, in a way, but then I'd also like to see it more...substantial, if you see what I mean. The first line sets a good tone for the poem; but as far as imagery goes you don't capitalise on the potential. I don't know, maybe you don't want visuals in here...that's fair enough, but my preference is to see something tactile - particularly something creative, something vivid and imaginative. Having said that, however, what you do say is said well...you don't give in to the 'preach-y' nature that often accompanies poems such as this. Have a look round various poems on here - see what you think to the styles kicking about.
7 from me - with any luck you'll get some useful advice from the better poets here.
7 from me - with any luck you'll get some useful advice from the better poets here.
replying on Numbers In Heaven by Dovina
18 Mar 2006, 6:03 AM
Hmm, you'll have to take out the semicolon after '&' for it to work...copy/paste turns into copy/addsemicolon/paste here it seems...and I know nothing about computers, so I wouldn't even know how to avoid it.
replying on Numbers In Heaven by Dovina
18 Mar 2006, 6:02 AM
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&;friendid=34804799
Judge for yourself =p
Judge for yourself =p
on Likeness by MacFrantic
18 Mar 2006, 5:06 AM
'Tis the season to be jolly...oh, wait.
Good ending!
Good ending!
It is too a pimple. To prove so, I would like to borrow the Pimple Checklist (courtesy of -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. Enterprises) to prove my point:
[_] AABBCC rhyming scheme
[_] About romantic love
[_] Arbitrary indentation
[_] Arbitrary line breaks
[X] Autobiographical but in the third person
[X] Braggadocious
[_] Clerical errors
[X] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[X] Cliched adolescent metaphors of darkness for despair etc.
[_] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[_] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves, unicorns, etc.
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[_] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] 'Lyrics'
[X] Melodramatic
[X] Naively religious or superstitious
[_] Obsessed with femininity
[X] Overabundance of ellipses
[X] Overuse of Latinate words and/or convoluted sentence structures
[X] Pointedly unanswered questions
[_] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[_] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[X] Sanctimoniously moral
[X] Sappy
[_] Suicide-related
[_] Wish fulfilment
That having been said, I'll get rid of the warning...I was kind of hoping someone would tell me it wasn't necessary.
[_] AABBCC rhyming scheme
[_] About romantic love
[_] Arbitrary indentation
[_] Arbitrary line breaks
[X] Autobiographical but in the third person
[X] Braggadocious
[_] Clerical errors
[X] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[X] Cliched adolescent metaphors of darkness for despair etc.
[_] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[_] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves, unicorns, etc.
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[_] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] 'Lyrics'
[X] Melodramatic
[X] Naively religious or superstitious
[_] Obsessed with femininity
[X] Overabundance of ellipses
[X] Overuse of Latinate words and/or convoluted sentence structures
[X] Pointedly unanswered questions
[_] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[_] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[X] Sanctimoniously moral
[X] Sappy
[_] Suicide-related
[_] Wish fulfilment
That having been said, I'll get rid of the warning...I was kind of hoping someone would tell me it wasn't necessary.
Just as good as Poe? Now that certainly is a compliment! Thank you! And yes - this sprung from a dreadful glosa I tried writing which had a quatrain from The Raven (what else?) as its basis. I love the rhythmic tricks he plays, but it's a bugger to ape in a glosa.
replying on Even the elephants by ecargo
17 Mar 2006, 4:11 PM
P.S. - Favourited.
replying on Numbers In Heaven by Dovina
17 Mar 2006, 4:04 PM
Karma - Justice...what's the difference between the two concepts?
on Looking Back by x0lovelylarnx0
17 Mar 2006, 3:49 PM
Hmm...potential, but it really needs changes (in my opinion). The ideas are nice but the word choices don't do it any sort of justice. Try using fewer pronouns (this is a pretty universal rule), particularly if you want the reader to 'relate'.
Also...think about rewriting this in the 3rd person - it gives you a lot more scope to be creative, to invent imagery and use metaphorical language. Which will earn you bonus points on here, trust me.
Keep working at it.
Also...think about rewriting this in the 3rd person - it gives you a lot more scope to be creative, to invent imagery and use metaphorical language. Which will earn you bonus points on here, trust me.
Keep working at it.
on The Peccadillary by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
17 Mar 2006, 2:21 PM
HA! Supreme, once again. You prove once again to be the poemranker Master of Rhyme (P.I.) Give me one good reason why I shouldn't blabber childish adulation all over your poetry!
-9-
'To address a Knight of the Realm as a "Mr."' - unforgivable.
-9-
'To address a Knight of the Realm as a "Mr."' - unforgivable.
replying on Indiscrete by ecargo
17 Mar 2006, 2:16 PM
Ha! I managed to miss the Ornella episode entirely - although I've seen the Orange Award captions, I have no idea what actually happened.
And over here - I'm too broke (and too English, possibly!) to celebrate the day in style...plus all the Irish pubs will be utterly rammed tonight. But then, it wouldn't be St. P's Day otherwise - the Irish certainly know how to celebrate! Enjoy!
And over here - I'm too broke (and too English, possibly!) to celebrate the day in style...plus all the Irish pubs will be utterly rammed tonight. But then, it wouldn't be St. P's Day otherwise - the Irish certainly know how to celebrate! Enjoy!
replying on Indiscrete by ecargo
17 Mar 2006, 1:50 PM
Yes - I sell King Edwards from time to time when I'm working to pay my way through uni...and lets face it, there's nothing more British than a KE. Except for a DA, of course.
Actually I think it's a stunt for the university SU elections...it definitely works for me, I'll be certain to vote for a potato.
By the way, just in case any more proof of how thick I am were needed, it took me weeks to work out that you used to log in here as hatters hare - you changed name while I was away.
Anyhoo, happy St. Patrick's Day!
Actually I think it's a stunt for the university SU elections...it definitely works for me, I'll be certain to vote for a potato.
By the way, just in case any more proof of how thick I am were needed, it took me weeks to work out that you used to log in here as hatters hare - you changed name while I was away.
Anyhoo, happy St. Patrick's Day!
replying on Numbers In Heaven by Dovina
17 Mar 2006, 12:50 PM
Hmm...I give a lot to Plan International and have yet to receive from an unexpected source - can I borrow some of your relatives?
on The Horror The Horror by Nicholas Jones
17 Mar 2006, 10:29 AM
Stanza 9 - so very true. Well, I've never joined a socialist party, but still I hear what you're saying.
Having missed the news yesterday I didn't get the story of those drug tests that went wrong...but that sounded like a 'The horror! The horror!' moment...
Having missed the news yesterday I didn't get the story of those drug tests that went wrong...but that sounded like a 'The horror! The horror!' moment...
on solid to fall aparty by skaskowski
17 Mar 2006, 10:25 AM
I know of someone who had half their teeth knocked out while playing rugby; this poem made me think of that.
on Indiscrete by ecargo
17 Mar 2006, 10:16 AM
Great lines, I thought you were going to build on the rhymes in lines 1 and 2 (loved 'trophy or catastrophe?' by the way) but it works well as it is.
Now, I have a very strange reading of this. It made me think of fried eggs. 'Naked' - skin-coloured shell...'deconstructed motion' - the way an egg rolls...'bucked' - 'clucked'...'morning's flat' - in the pan...'sun slap through brocade' - yolk through shell...'oddball artifact' - speaks for itself.
Really, the more I think about that reading, the more I realise how weird I am. Hmm. Speaking of oddball artifacts, for two days now there's been half a potato with a small paper flag saying 'King Edward' sat on top of a car on my way to uni.
Now, I have a very strange reading of this. It made me think of fried eggs. 'Naked' - skin-coloured shell...'deconstructed motion' - the way an egg rolls...'bucked' - 'clucked'...'morning's flat' - in the pan...'sun slap through brocade' - yolk through shell...'oddball artifact' - speaks for itself.
Really, the more I think about that reading, the more I realise how weird I am. Hmm. Speaking of oddball artifacts, for two days now there's been half a potato with a small paper flag saying 'King Edward' sat on top of a car on my way to uni.
on Martijn by Chasz Misleading
17 Mar 2006, 10:09 AM
Hope Martijn liked it.