Re: a comment on Timing by Dovina	15-Oct-06/6:47 AM
The first 3 times I read that comment I thought you said 'more chicken = more hands = more revenue'. I need a dyslexia test.
Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	14-Oct-06/4:45 PM
Sea-jade firstling's ribbon curl Snaking slowly from the womb Time to see a seasonal lunar shape, right? Any other poets wanting to join in this little project, feel free (check the link above to get the pattern).
Re: a comment on A Poetry Reading by Dovina	14-Oct-06/4:29 PM
Yeah, the poem would be much better if it had 'zinzulated', 'expounded' and 'anaesthetised'.
Re: a comment on A Poetry Reading by Dovina	14-Oct-06/11:53 AM
Mr. Tanner is a Harry Chapin song. The story behind it is of a man who loves singing, is persuaded to do a show, gets shot down by the critics and never sings again. This is where the need for some sort of conclusiveness comes in - the fact that she never read after this is pretty final, isn't it? I mean, you say in your comment that she *could* read again someday, but the poem contradicts that. Also, the way this is set up seems to show every line as being a definite action in a series of events. The weak endings let each line sort of run into the next, but I don't think it needs that. It feels to me like each line wants to be solid, conclusive. So for instance, you could write 'tried to make him marvel, laugh'. Or even 'marvel and laugh' if you're not too worried about iambic metre. This way I find lines end for good and the reader can then move on to the next event.
Re: a comment on weather poem part 1: the wolf journal by nypoet22	14-Oct-06/5:36 AM
It'll be worth it.
Re: A Poetry Reading by Dovina	13-Oct-06/5:39 PM
Did I say before that this reminded me of 'Mr. Tanner'? It's the last line that does it. I'd try and make the last word of each stanza end on a stressed syllable; it feels like it needs a little more finality in the piece.
Re: My heart belongs to you by creepshow	13-Oct-06/5:36 PM
Um, I guess you don't much like her any more.
Re: a comment on Gilded Lily by drnick	13-Oct-06/4:18 AM
Well, 'they not see' makes little sense as it is. You could have said 'they don't see', and still kept the feel of speaking to someone higher up the social chain. Socia-motional doesn't fit the theme though, although I like the idea of it. You don't need to scrap it - a few fixes here and there will get the motor running again, I'd say. And you physics students have it easy. It's not as though you do a taxing, strenuous subject like...um, philosophy...
Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	13-Oct-06/4:05 AM
Tingling frosts push us closer Deep in this warm bed, like seeds
Re: Pump the Guns by oddgreenout	13-Oct-06/3:55 AM
Nice idea, could do with a little more punctuation. Line one - 'then'?
Re: weather poem part 1: the wolf journal by nypoet22	13-Oct-06/3:53 AM
Yes, nice. I like the opening stanza, although I think Dovina might have a point about getting a bit prosaic from 'Chills run you through...' to 'bathroom mirror'. After all, you start with the trademark 'Everyone mentions the weather', which has a really smooth beat to it - ONE-two-three ONE-two-three ONE-two (with the final 'two' being slightly more emphasised than the previous twos), so to lose/abandon that musical quality seems a shame, especially in a longer piece like this. Not that you have to stick to that rhythm for the entire piece, of course, but you know what I mean. No complaints with the content; I was intrigued to see 'a day deconstructed' (nice line, by the way) as I'm currently destroying my soul trying to write a poem inspired by/for Derrida. However...given the first stanza (and the title of 'wolf journal'...and the fact I'm something of a Tolkien freak) I kind of hoped this would have a little more fantastical imagery. Maybe an alternative version could run that way?
Re: a comment on Bitter by Ranger	13-Oct-06/3:42 AM
Indeed I did think it'd go down well with you. I had to post something (I am killing myself over two other poems which resist all attempts to be written). I'll look at the edit for that line, although it'll mean playing with the iambs - but hell, if it works... I actually love titles almost as much as the poetry itself; this one was just for the drafting so it's bound to change in the future.
Re: a comment on Bitter by Ranger	13-Oct-06/3:37 AM
Thank you :-) Good points - I didn't see that the title would be read that way, but I'll think of an alternative. The repeated line in stanza one is still troublesome, you're right - I probably will remove the 'me' (it was an early experiment with internal rhymes which I didn't continue). I really agonised over which line to put at the end...I'm still torn, but you might sway me enough to change them round. Thank you again for the ideas, and the praise :-D
Re: a comment on Bitter by Ranger	13-Oct-06/3:34 AM
Thanks, I don't know if the form has its own name. If not, it can be the Nightingalean ode, or folksong, or somewhat. I'm going to play around with the rhythm a bit; it still seems abrupt to me. Then again, I read things indecently quickly. Bad habits that I haven't got rid of. Glad you liked it :-)
Re: a comment on Love Trail by D. $ Fontera	12-Oct-06/2:06 PM
You've gone through the entire piece without inversions, why start near the end? You could use 'Love'll see' instead, a reference back to the first line of that stanza. Or there are a million other options which don't require twisting the word order.
Re: Gilded Lily by drnick	12-Oct-06/2:01 PM
I'm not sure where you're going with this. You're rid of do/does except for line 6 - I can't see a reason for it. It feels pseudo-archaic, is that the intention? I love the title, and also the repetition of 'forgive', it's kind of a sarcastic petition to a lord/lady/deity. Just the language feels uncertain.
Re: Love Trail by D. $ Fontera	12-Oct-06/10:49 AM
"Love'll we"?
Re: People vs Corps. by Jack Diamond	12-Oct-06/10:48 AM
Like the play of words in the title - corps/corpse. Could turn this into a zombie poem if you tried, still carrying the same message. Typo throughout - "ones" ("'" for possessive or compounding). I think there should be a comma in line 21 between 'me' and 'I'm'. 'Buy at Target'? Is there a pun there that I'm missing? Decent write though.
Re: a comment on Emotionally Unavailable by horus8	12-Oct-06/1:35 AM
Pretentious? What the fuck? What's it pretending to be?
Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	12-Oct-06/1:30 AM
Nests are wickerwork fences ringing fallow fields The surface unturned