| Re: 9/11 tribute by Caducus |
23-Jan-03/11:23 AM |
I really love this.
"That image of love will never sleep". Magic
I think I agree with Tintagiles about the Osama's beard bit, however I like the use of angels, also the 'slaughter' maximises the effect of that part (I know I sound vague here, never mind).
If you can find a way to replace the old beard this will be worth a ten on my behalf, till then you may have nine.
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| Re: The Ode that never was by Shardik |
23-Jan-03/11:36 AM |
Oh...I really wanted to be sarcatic and rename it the Ode that never should have been...but it's actually quite funny.
Maybe next time. I'll go and read Blade's work to see real crap. Or not.
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| Re: The Ode that never was by Shardik |
23-Jan-03/11:37 AM |
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Oh, but please change "would of" to "would have". Please.
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| Re: Abused by scitz |
25-Jan-03/9:00 AM |
I think that the end should be different, stronger somehow. The last two lines don't really do the poem justice-otherwise I like this one too. 9
PS 'Masquerades an awful truth' is brilliant!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Jan-03/9:01 AM |
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| Re: House of Pain by Goose |
26-Jan-03/11:57 AM |
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'House of Pain', isn't that a French bread shop?
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| Re: one moment to the other by nentwined |
26-Jan-03/12:02 PM |
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Very enjoyable read. It's definately confusing at first, but after a couple of times I've got the hang. Nice one. 8
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| Re: early morning write by crimzon |
26-Jan-03/12:03 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Jan-03/12:11 PM |
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The chorus is awful, BPS, it makes you sound like you're trying to write comedy teenybop punk. Please get rid of it-come up with a new chorus, or don't have one. The rest of the song is pretty good, and I like it, it started off quite emotive, but got less so-was that intentional? It might be better otherwise but that's your decision. Like I said, it's not at all bad. I'll not vote yet-if you do a rewrite I'll check it out again. Keep at it, I'd like to see a redraft.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Jan-03/12:16 PM |
I love parts of this, other bits seem slightly pointless (ie the dust bit, although maybe I'm missing something).
Did you mean the first 'mourning' as that, or is it a typo? I quite like it as it is, seems a fairly good play on words etc.
Anyway, 8
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| Re: Pandora's box by Lynn |
28-Jan-03/12:18 PM |
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Um, I don't get it yet. Nice writing in places though. Perhaps I'll have another reread and come back again.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
28-Jan-03/12:19 PM |
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Lovely. A couple of typos, but otherwise fine.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Jan-03/11:12 AM |
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Beautiful, just beautiful.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Jan-03/11:14 AM |
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Not as touching as 'Goodbye Dad', but still I like this one. Perhaps a little more intimacy into this one?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Jan-03/10:36 AM |
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Hmm, I thought that black slavery-well, any slavery for that matter-was illegal pretty much everywhere. Ah well, this is a brave effort at something political. If you don't mind me saying, I don't think it's quite there yet. Keep trying, give it a few edits and I think you'll get there.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Jan-03/10:40 AM |
And that stRanger was I. Only kidding.
Okay poem, it felt a tad short but that's alright, god'swife has already told me that brevity is a poet's friend. I feel it lacks something emotive-take a look and try to put a little depth in, then it'll be worth a higher mark and I'll be glad to regrade it. For now, a seven.
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| Re: Love spank by Shardik |
30-Jan-03/10:44 AM |
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| Re: Someone by brokenwing |
30-Jan-03/11:00 AM |
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I feel that this is trying to be both emotive and, er, casual (that's the best way I can find to describe it), for instance "sharing in my life" and "people think I'm cracking up" don't really give it any definitive air. However, it's got potential if you'll keep working at it, decide how you want it to sound and then edit it. I also felt that there are a few strained cliches here-that's no real crime, my first poem I submitted (The North Wind) was full of them, that's life. On the plus side, I thought there were a few great lines, especially the last two.
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| Re: The Sunset Blvd. Cabbage limericks by Shardik |
30-Jan-03/11:11 AM |
Kerrrazzeeeee...eee...ee..e
Hey, if you want to see weird poetry, mine's weird. Also Doyetevsky, whatever his name is does strange stuff.
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| Re: Cant sleep, clown will eat me.(A poem about clowns) by lunar |
30-Jan-03/11:19 AM |
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He's only got a blank look cause he reads so much fucking Lao-Tzu. It's his own damn fault.
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