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early morning write (Other) by crimzon Waiting for the usual sunrise
to display its lovely hues
To peak above the pine trees
and say the day is new.
The sun is belated today
Rousing the ever patient night
so the moon awakes the sun
stealing its blanket of twilight.
Realizing its procrastination
the tired sun begins to rise
and the world now comes alive
with aesthetically painted skies.
Up the ladder:
my life
Down the ladder:
the secret life of eyebrows
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.428571
Posted: January 26, 2003 5:29 AM PST; Last modified: January 26, 2003 5:29 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.384202 Overall Rank: 3222 Comments:
i don't really like it, but its good work, =7
Great! 9
I liked the simplicity and the flow, which is why your choice of the word "aesthetically" threw off the mood for me a little bit. It sounds long and choppy and sterile compared the the rest of the verse. The middle four line stumble a little over extra syllables, but overall, you created a beautiful picture for me. Here's an 8 for ya.
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ever patient should by hyphenated, I think.
"stealing its blanket of twilight" doesn't quite scan right, either.
I like this a lot, though. 8.