early morning write

Member since 2003 · Posted 26 Jan 2003 · 4 comments

Waiting for the usual sunrise to display its lovely hues To peak above the pine trees and say the day is new. The sun is belated today Rousing the ever patient night so the moon awakes the sun stealing its blanket of twilight. Realizing its procrastination the tired sun begins to rise and the world now comes alive with aesthetically painted skies.

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mean 6.43 weighted 5.38 rank 3221 views 129 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

4 comments

[8] nentwined 26-Jan-03/7:06 AM Reply

this stumbles for me near 'belated', or perhaps 'today' -- one syllable too many?

ever patient should by hyphenated, I think.

"stealing its blanket of twilight" doesn't quite scan right, either.

I like this a lot, though. 8.

[7] deleted user 26-Jan-03/7:12 AM Reply

i don't really like it, but its good work, =7

[9] Ranger 26-Jan-03/12:03 PM Reply

Great! 9

[8] Imperfections 27-Jan-03/4:34 PM Reply

I liked the simplicity and the flow, which is why your choice of the word "aesthetically" threw off the mood for me a little bit. It sounds long and choppy and sterile compared the the rest of the verse. The middle four line stumble a little over extra syllables, but overall, you created a beautiful picture for me. Here's an 8 for ya.