Poemranker [Poem: Someone] [by brokenwing] Thu Nov 21 21:31:09 PST 2024

I don't know what to say now that your no longer here, standing by my side and sharing in my life. I often find myself crying over things I can't explain, and people think I'm cracking up cause I don't wanna live! Why should I? when everything I wanted, needed and craved was all rolled up in you. You were my sanity when life was hard to handle, and you were my emotions when I didn't know what to feel. You were me, and I was you together we were someone. Now I feel as though my hearts been ripped out and thrown upon the floor, and it's all because of you! But that doesn't matter know, does it? cause, you have all you wanted and I have what I never needed, "life without you...."

[n/a] Ranger @ 213.120.56.45 | 30-Jan-03/11:00 AM | Reply

I feel that this is trying to be both emotive and, er, casual (that's the best way I can find to describe it), for instance "sharing in my life" and "people think I'm cracking up" don't really give it any definitive air. However, it's got potential if you'll keep working at it, decide how you want it to sound and then edit it. I also felt that there are a few strained cliches here-that's no real crime, my first poem I submitted (The North Wind) was full of them, that's life. On the plus side, I thought there were a few great lines, especially the last two.

[n/a] brokenwing @ 211.28.96.5 > Ranger | 30-Jan-03/7:22 PM | Reply

Thanx for the comments, I like to write thats what i do best(in my eyes anyway). I just wanted to put this poem in and get feedback for all the positive and negative aspects. I'm open to suggestions and appreciate the fact that you took time out to read it and comment.