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9/11 tribute (Free verse) by Caducus
Humans stood higher than skyscrapers, As the Breathing dead accepted their fate. Two held hands in an image of love, Angels were crying watching above, As they jumped, From an inferno of hate. Broken hearts searched for broken bodies, Yet spirits remained intact. The dead refused to go straight to God, So between them they made a pact. They flapped their wings to banish the smoke, Yet it wasn't just that which was making people choke. In a claret sky a cumulus cloud drifted by, Probably an Angel on his way to heaven refusing to die. Or maybe just a cloud after all, That arrived too late to soften the lovers fall. The face of Osama's beard heading east on a cirrus cloud, Extremists chanting the Koran cheering aloud. How could they cheer the slaughter of innocent children, Buried alive in mortar cots of crimson. I hope those lovers holding hands that fell, Are watching down on us as Gods Sentinel. For that image of love will never sleep, So I will not let the perpetrators, Who live to hate us, see me weep.

Up the ladder: Hold On Tight

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.733333
Weighted score: 6.526715
Overall Rank: 664
Posted: January 23, 2003 2:18 AM PST; Last modified: January 23, 2003 2:19 AM PST
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Comments:
[5] Tintagiles @ 198.164.238.97 | 23-Jan-03/10:54 AM | Reply
Well, it IS the closest thing to a not bad poeme written about that day I've yet read. Loose the angels and Osama's beard. 'Buried alive in mortar cots of crimson' is good, but how can it qualify as a 'slaughter' of innocent children when so few were killed?
[n/a] Caducus @ 62.231.152.62 > Tintagiles | 24-Jan-03/1:23 AM | Reply
Instead of angel how about mortal? on his way to heaven or some secular description
[9] Ranger @ 213.120.56.37 | 23-Jan-03/11:23 AM | Reply
I really love this.
"That image of love will never sleep". Magic
I think I agree with Tintagiles about the Osama's beard bit, however I like the use of angels, also the 'slaughter' maximises the effect of that part (I know I sound vague here, never mind).
If you can find a way to replace the old beard this will be worth a ten on my behalf, till then you may have nine.
[n/a] Caducus @ 62.231.152.62 > Ranger | 24-Jan-03/1:21 AM | Reply
To ranger / tintagiles. Thanks for commenting on this. I cannot think how to modify the beard thing. Basically i read that a cirrus cloud is shaped like a beard and found the connection with osama, cirrus clouds also travel from east to west so the metaphor seemed relevent but i think i could use it a better way. I know your work well tintagiles, you work well with imagery please pass on any thoughts. Also if i get rid of the angels bit i may lose the poem. I will work on this over weekend.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.8.102 | 23-Jan-03/11:29 AM | Reply
Ace use of "choke" to rhyme with "smoke"!
[n/a] TheDevil @ 198.164.238.87 | 23-Jan-03/12:37 PM | Reply
Don't make fun of Osama's beard. Jesus had one like that too.
[7] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 | 23-Jan-03/2:51 PM | Reply
You are a funny, funny guy. Has anyone ever told you that?
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