Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	6-Apr-06/7:07 AM
This has some really cool imagery and language. First line--"sky" should take singular verb "casts," not "cast." Might want to drop the articles ("the") in the second line. "Wearisome, I vent . . . " something's off here. (For one thing, you're basically calling yourself tiresome. Do you mean "weary"?) Second stanza--some cool imagery. I like "I want white linen (maybe make it singular?) line, but sugg. dropping "up"--white linen to cocoon me. "With morning comes a . . . turning of light"--nice. Think it'd stand alone, stronger, without "shine." The spiralling child seems disconnected right now. Maybe, also, just "smog" without "the sky's" (where else would smog be?) S/b "last night's" (apos.). I almost think the ending would be stronger without the last line. Really like this, overall.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/6:57 AM
I think this is quite good--it has music and good imagery, and you use a lighter, or maybe more oblique, hand than you often do. Stanza 1--I think you mean angry water verSUS, but I actually like "angry water verses, solid rock"--one of those happy accidents, maybe? I like how you identify, take sides. St. 2--"Attack was always squelched . . . by strength of how it was"--I'm not sure what you mean by that; maybe make it clearer somehow? Now memory moved . . ." -- nice. Maybe hint earlier that the rock was winning? Is that what you were getting at with "strength of how it was"? "Going at it still" seems a little slangy and imprecise. "Gentle rolls came in from far"--"in from far" seems a little awkward. "as recollection told"--not sure about "told" and if the rolls are meeting the shore, you need a comma after "told." Also, "kept on"--in both places--doesn't really need "on"--it's just a filler word. "Greed" seems to come out of no where. I like the ending a lot, though I think "little bits" could be replaced with something stronger. Anyway, nits and some fuzzy language aside, cool poeme.
Re: a comment on Explorations Underground by ecargo	3-Apr-06/2:21 PM
I do remember Christof (that nice sculpture poem), but what does he have to do with Salukis? Or woad?
Re: a comment on Explorations Underground by ecargo	3-Apr-06/2:18 PM
I didn't know--cool link. Thanks. Not Amon exactly, but I think Saluki was headed that way. Woad, though--well, I'm not sure. You'd think I'd know. ;)
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	3-Apr-06/11:58 AM
Ack--what am I smoking today? I mean: "I don't think it went far enough" or "I don't think you went far enough w/it." Either one.
Re: a comment on Shy, quiet by Ranger	3-Apr-06/11:54 AM
Ah, I get it. Still, if you have to explain it, that's a clue, often, that there's not enough given in the poem itself. One easy way to get that sort of double meaning across without making it too literal or obvious is to do what you did and use the title as a key--but I don't think it went far enough w/it.
Re: Absolute Pants by Garrett S Sexton	3-Apr-06/8:36 AM
The title is the acest thing about it. Ciao. CIAO.
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	3-Apr-06/8:33 AM
Some interesting word choices--pompous sun/damning high, scalloped might. "like all that obsidian" implies you're comparing something to an obelisk, but I'm not sure what. Some of the lines could be tweaked to be stronger, more direct (not sure about "peppering," for example; also, seems like "far lengthy" could be replaced by a single adjective). I like the collapsing ending too.
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	3-Apr-06/8:27 AM
I like the specific details in this; the sense we get of the you in the poem; the ways we are able to see, without broad unanchored statements, the challenges to your faith. Watch the overused lines and cliches (hold firm, run my race/stand my ground, the list goes on, etc.). I'd suggest losing the ellipses (they serve no purpose, really--you're not omitting anything) and the archaisms in the second to last line (tho' o'er).
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	3-Apr-06/8:21 AM
Vivid description of a storm. Cat-like threw me off, but I think you set it up with "cagier." Purple rolling pillow sky--I could see those roiling cumulonimbus clouds--nice. The second stanza--a telephone conversation (over ground voice, crackling like (with?) static . . .)? I'm not sure what's moving, catching up, etc. I like the last line a lot, R. I find it hard to connect the title with the poem though, based on what's given.
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	30-Mar-06/10:08 AM
Wow--it's like a clash of the (snark) titans. ;-D Classic.
Re: a comment on Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo	30-Mar-06/10:03 AM
Thanks. :)
Re: Cat Feet by Niphredil	30-Mar-06/10:02 AM
Hee--I like this a lot. It has a really cool feel to it, well expressed and paranoid in a humorous way. I love the first line and "uneasily damp" made me laugh out loud (in a good way). The windows are a nice added touch.
Re: a comment on Time Thief by Dovina	30-Mar-06/10:00 AM
I had to up my vote because I kept thinking about this last night and that says, to me, that something's working well. It is a clever idea in an aphorism kind of way--like I said, it reminds me of Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanac. http://pages.prodigy.net/jmiller.cb/prs10.html The Danish cartoons (http://www.zombietime.com/mohammed_image_archive/jyllands-posten_cartoons/ ) still don't seem to belong in there, IMO.
Re: a comment on Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo	30-Mar-06/9:57 AM
Well, let's see--"raspberry girl" yields 500 hits on a Google search of the term, so, yes, probably a little overdone. "white-faced hills" yields no hits, so probably not in common parlance. Reasonable crit if it weren't so petty and obviously prompted because I didn't cream over your little poeme. That's cool--if you can't take crits I won't bother offering any. Buhbye.
Re: a comment on Ghosts of years (rhymey edit) by ecargo	30-Mar-06/9:53 AM
Wow--hey, thanks. I agree re: the end rhymes--it makes it too stiff. I like the idea of hiding the rhymes--I'll play around with it. I wanted it to be lighter, too--haven't figured that out yet. Thanks for taking the time to play with this--freshens it. My friend whose story this is (in that it's how her divorce went down--the ex showed up at the courthouse with flowers, etc., to "celebrate" their official ending) told me the postscript to the story yesterday (she was a little taken aback that I wrote a poem about it). After the court session, they went back to their then-shared shop (she owns a sign company; he's a welder) and took some "parting" pics and then he went off to the local whorehouse where he was refused, er, service because he was so well dressed they assumed he was a cop. She thought that was a hilarious ending to their ending. Now there's my poem. ;)
Re: SOMETIMES? by Garrett S Sexton	29-Mar-06/1:44 PM
IN THE TRAY? KSKSKSKSSK
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	29-Mar-06/8:15 AM
) <close paren> Ah well, you'll have to wait a few hours to call my niece poem "precious"--I got ahead of myself. ;)
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	29-Mar-06/8:09 AM
Oh, I forgot to say--it's the "laughter's wine" line that, most of all, prompted "twee" from me. So, yeah.
Re: a comment on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	29-Mar-06/8:08 AM
Nah, I'm just pretentious. Like Madonna, I'm fluent in "Mockney." I write twee poems about my niece all the time, e.g.: My pink girl, cat-lick clean and shining, you smell of icing and tears, the warm press of you heavy, heart-hand, heart-bloom. Oh, crap, now in the interests of "twee" neice poems, I'm going to go post my "skiing with niece" poem that I can't seem to fix to my satisfaction. Also, I've got nothing else done and I'm helpless in the face of "User Can Post New Poetry." Please be sure to comment that it's twee (or an even more awful word, like "precious."