on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina
6 Apr 2006, 6:57 AM
I think this is quite good--it has music and good imagery, and you use a lighter, or maybe more oblique, hand than you often do. Stanza 1--I think you mean angry water verSUS, but I actually like "angry water verses, solid rock"--one of those happy accidents, maybe? I like how you identify, take sides. St. 2--"Attack was always squelched . . . by strength of how it was"--I'm not sure what you mean by that; maybe make it clearer somehow?
Now memory moved . . ." -- nice. Maybe hint earlier that the rock was winning? Is that what you were getting at with "strength of how it was"? "Going at it still" seems a little slangy and imprecise.
"Gentle rolls came in from far"--"in from far" seems a little awkward. "as recollection told"--not sure about "told" and if the rolls are meeting the shore, you need a comma after "told." Also, "kept on"--in both places--doesn't really need "on"--it's just a filler word. "Greed" seems to come out of no where. I like the ending a lot, though I think "little bits" could be replaced with something stronger.
Anyway, nits and some fuzzy language aside, cool poeme.
Now memory moved . . ." -- nice. Maybe hint earlier that the rock was winning? Is that what you were getting at with "strength of how it was"? "Going at it still" seems a little slangy and imprecise.
"Gentle rolls came in from far"--"in from far" seems a little awkward. "as recollection told"--not sure about "told" and if the rolls are meeting the shore, you need a comma after "told." Also, "kept on"--in both places--doesn't really need "on"--it's just a filler word. "Greed" seems to come out of no where. I like the ending a lot, though I think "little bits" could be replaced with something stronger.
Anyway, nits and some fuzzy language aside, cool poeme.
replying on Explorations Underground by ecargo
3 Apr 2006, 2:21 PM
I do remember Christof (that nice sculpture poem), but what does he have to do with Salukis? Or woad?
replying on Explorations Underground by ecargo
3 Apr 2006, 2:18 PM
I didn't know--cool link. Thanks.
Not Amon exactly, but I think Saluki was headed that way. Woad, though--well, I'm not sure. You'd think I'd know. ;)
Not Amon exactly, but I think Saluki was headed that way. Woad, though--well, I'm not sure. You'd think I'd know. ;)
replying on Shy, quiet by Ranger
3 Apr 2006, 11:58 AM
Ack--what am I smoking today? I mean: "I don't think it went far enough" or "I don't think you went far enough w/it." Either one.
replying on Shy, quiet by Ranger
3 Apr 2006, 11:54 AM
Ah, I get it. Still, if you have to explain it, that's a clue, often, that there's not enough given in the poem itself. One easy way to get that sort of double meaning across without making it too literal or obvious is to do what you did and use the title as a key--but I don't think it went far enough w/it.
on Absolute Pants by Garrett S Sexton
3 Apr 2006, 8:36 AM
The title is the acest thing about it.
Ciao. CIAO.
Ciao. CIAO.
on The Obelisk by MacFrantic
3 Apr 2006, 8:33 AM
Some interesting word choices--pompous sun/damning high, scalloped might. "like all that obsidian" implies you're comparing something to an obelisk, but I'm not sure what. Some of the lines could be tweaked to be stronger, more direct (not sure about "peppering," for example; also, seems like "far lengthy" could be replaced by a single adjective). I like the collapsing ending too.
on These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta
3 Apr 2006, 8:27 AM
I like the specific details in this; the sense we get of the you in the poem; the ways we are able to see, without broad unanchored statements, the challenges to your faith. Watch the overused lines and cliches (hold firm, run my race/stand my ground, the list goes on, etc.). I'd suggest losing the ellipses (they serve no purpose, really--you're not omitting anything) and the archaisms in the second to last line (tho' o'er).
on Shy, quiet by Ranger
3 Apr 2006, 8:21 AM
Vivid description of a storm. Cat-like threw me off, but I think you set it up with "cagier." Purple rolling pillow sky--I could see those roiling cumulonimbus clouds--nice.
The second stanza--a telephone conversation (over ground voice, crackling like (with?) static . . .)? I'm not sure what's moving, catching up, etc. I like the last line a lot, R. I find it hard to connect the title with the poem though, based on what's given.
The second stanza--a telephone conversation (over ground voice, crackling like (with?) static . . .)? I'm not sure what's moving, catching up, etc. I like the last line a lot, R. I find it hard to connect the title with the poem though, based on what's given.
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
30 Mar 2006, 10:08 AM
Wow--it's like a clash of the (snark) titans. ;-D Classic.
replying on Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo
30 Mar 2006, 10:03 AM
Thanks. :)
replying on Time Thief by Dovina
30 Mar 2006, 10:00 AM
I had to up my vote because I kept thinking about this last night and that says, to me, that something's working well. It is a clever idea in an aphorism kind of way--like I said, it reminds me of Franklin's Poor Richard's Almanac. http://pages.prodigy.net/jmiller.cb/prs1
The Danish cartoons (http://www.zombietime.com/mohammed_imag
The Danish cartoons (http://www.zombietime.com/mohammed_imag
replying on Sarah, Freefalling (twee for AlChemy) by ecargo
30 Mar 2006, 9:57 AM
Well, let's see--"raspberry girl" yields 500 hits on a Google search of the term, so, yes, probably a little overdone. "white-faced hills" yields no hits, so probably not in common parlance.
Reasonable crit if it weren't so petty and obviously prompted because I didn't cream over your little poeme. That's cool--if you can't take crits I won't bother offering any. Buhbye.
Reasonable crit if it weren't so petty and obviously prompted because I didn't cream over your little poeme. That's cool--if you can't take crits I won't bother offering any. Buhbye.
replying on Ghosts of years (rhymey edit) by ecargo
30 Mar 2006, 9:53 AM
Wow--hey, thanks. I agree re: the end rhymes--it makes it too stiff. I like the idea of hiding the rhymes--I'll play around with it. I wanted it to be lighter, too--haven't figured that out yet. Thanks for taking the time to play with this--freshens it.
My friend whose story this is (in that it's how her divorce went down--the ex showed up at the courthouse with flowers, etc., to "celebrate" their official ending) told me the postscript to the story yesterday (she was a little taken aback that I wrote a poem about it). After the court session, they went back to their then-shared shop (she owns a sign company; he's a welder) and took some "parting" pics and then he went off to the local whorehouse where he was refused, er, service because he was so well dressed they assumed he was a cop. She thought that was a hilarious ending to their ending. Now there's my poem. ;)
My friend whose story this is (in that it's how her divorce went down--the ex showed up at the courthouse with flowers, etc., to "celebrate" their official ending) told me the postscript to the story yesterday (she was a little taken aback that I wrote a poem about it). After the court session, they went back to their then-shared shop (she owns a sign company; he's a welder) and took some "parting" pics and then he went off to the local whorehouse where he was refused, er, service because he was so well dressed they assumed he was a cop. She thought that was a hilarious ending to their ending. Now there's my poem. ;)
on SOMETIMES? by Garrett S Sexton
29 Mar 2006, 1:44 PM
IN THE TRAY?
KSKSKSKSSK
KSKSKSKSSK
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
29 Mar 2006, 8:15 AM
) <close paren> Ah well, you'll have to wait a few hours to call my niece poem "precious"--I got ahead of myself. ;)
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
29 Mar 2006, 8:09 AM
Oh, I forgot to say--it's the "laughter's wine" line that, most of all, prompted "twee" from me. So, yeah.
replying on Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy
29 Mar 2006, 8:08 AM
Nah, I'm just pretentious. Like Madonna, I'm fluent in "Mockney."
I write twee poems about my niece all the time, e.g.:
My pink girl, cat-lick clean and shining,
you smell of icing and tears,
the warm press of you heavy,
heart-hand, heart-bloom.
Oh, crap, now in the interests of "twee" neice poems, I'm going to go post my "skiing with niece" poem that I can't seem to fix to my satisfaction. Also, I've got nothing else done and I'm helpless in the face of "User Can Post New Poetry."
Please be sure to comment that it's twee (or an even more awful word, like "precious."
I write twee poems about my niece all the time, e.g.:
My pink girl, cat-lick clean and shining,
you smell of icing and tears,
the warm press of you heavy,
heart-hand, heart-bloom.
Oh, crap, now in the interests of "twee" neice poems, I'm going to go post my "skiing with niece" poem that I can't seem to fix to my satisfaction. Also, I've got nothing else done and I'm helpless in the face of "User Can Post New Poetry."
Please be sure to comment that it's twee (or an even more awful word, like "precious."
"With morning comes a . . . turning of light"--nice. Think it'd stand alone, stronger, without "shine." The spiralling child seems disconnected right now. Maybe, also, just "smog" without "the sky's" (where else would smog be?) S/b "last night's" (apos.). I almost think the ending would be stronger without the last line.
Really like this, overall.