regarding some deleted poem...	28-Mar-06/7:21 AM
Mollusced fangs? I get the gleaming white bit, but molluscs are a bit rubbery to be fangs. Death's (need the apos). Is "salten" a word (other than a place in Norway)? S/b "scythe." I dunno. Very Caducus somehow (not particularly a judgment, just a statement).
Re: Old Friend by drnick	28-Mar-06/7:24 AM
Reads like lyrics sans chorus. Not bad. Last verse doesn't scan right.
Re: Time Thief by Dovina	29-Mar-06/7:13 AM
Good idea, but it's a little dull--Poor Richard's without the wit. The Danish cartoon reference is disconnected and a little silly.
Re: Kristi's Quiescence by matt door	29-Mar-06/7:15 AM
Not bad, but it seems too familiar, done.
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	29-Mar-06/7:17 AM
Comes off a little twee, Al, rather than tender.
Re: SOMETIMES? by Garrett S Sexton	29-Mar-06/1:44 PM
IN THE TRAY? KSKSKSKSSK
Re: Cat Feet by Niphredil	30-Mar-06/10:02 AM
Hee--I like this a lot. It has a really cool feel to it, well expressed and paranoid in a humorous way. I love the first line and "uneasily damp" made me laugh out loud (in a good way). The windows are a nice added touch.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Apr-06/8:15 AM
I like the simplicity of this. Should probably be "simple" not "simplified" (if simplified is "made simple," then "kept it [made simple]" is a little redundant. Professional nitpicker, what can I say? ;) Happy National Poetry month: http://www.poets.org/calendar.php
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	3-Apr-06/8:21 AM
Vivid description of a storm. Cat-like threw me off, but I think you set it up with "cagier." Purple rolling pillow sky--I could see those roiling cumulonimbus clouds--nice. The second stanza--a telephone conversation (over ground voice, crackling like (with?) static . . .)? I'm not sure what's moving, catching up, etc. I like the last line a lot, R. I find it hard to connect the title with the poem though, based on what's given.
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	3-Apr-06/8:27 AM
I like the specific details in this; the sense we get of the you in the poem; the ways we are able to see, without broad unanchored statements, the challenges to your faith. Watch the overused lines and cliches (hold firm, run my race/stand my ground, the list goes on, etc.). I'd suggest losing the ellipses (they serve no purpose, really--you're not omitting anything) and the archaisms in the second to last line (tho' o'er).
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	3-Apr-06/8:33 AM
Some interesting word choices--pompous sun/damning high, scalloped might. "like all that obsidian" implies you're comparing something to an obelisk, but I'm not sure what. Some of the lines could be tweaked to be stronger, more direct (not sure about "peppering," for example; also, seems like "far lengthy" could be replaced by a single adjective). I like the collapsing ending too.
Re: Absolute Pants by Garrett S Sexton	3-Apr-06/8:36 AM
The title is the acest thing about it. Ciao. CIAO.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Apr-06/8:40 AM
Think it's comprachicos, with an "r." Cool tie-in with therapy. Your poems are always interesting and original--the hardest thing to learn to do, I find. Or maybe it's about unlearning. The last line seems a little unoriginal, for you.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Apr-06/8:52 AM
Good metaphor, and you're very skilled at weaving them into your poems consistently, without overplaying them. Some terrific details. I love the sleeping pressed against cool walls--that evokes such an image of sharing sleep space for me. Second stanza is really good. Might want to think about dropping the second "tonight." small nit. I like the nod (intential or otherwise) to Shakespeare's "nothing like the sun" sonnet in stanza 3, and the personification of your obsession/insanity--ack, so awful to be obsessed w/ someone--it does feel like another, crazy person has taken you over. Very effective. I also like how the last stanza has a certain quietness, a dawn hush, after the strong words of the preceding (fanatically, compulsively), as if you're painfully, painstakingly building peace (a shelter) from chaos and strife and hurt. Good work, GW.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	6-Apr-06/6:57 AM
I think this is quite good--it has music and good imagery, and you use a lighter, or maybe more oblique, hand than you often do. Stanza 1--I think you mean angry water verSUS, but I actually like "angry water verses, solid rock"--one of those happy accidents, maybe? I like how you identify, take sides. St. 2--"Attack was always squelched . . . by strength of how it was"--I'm not sure what you mean by that; maybe make it clearer somehow? Now memory moved . . ." -- nice. Maybe hint earlier that the rock was winning? Is that what you were getting at with "strength of how it was"? "Going at it still" seems a little slangy and imprecise. "Gentle rolls came in from far"--"in from far" seems a little awkward. "as recollection told"--not sure about "told" and if the rolls are meeting the shore, you need a comma after "told." Also, "kept on"--in both places--doesn't really need "on"--it's just a filler word. "Greed" seems to come out of no where. I like the ending a lot, though I think "little bits" could be replaced with something stronger. Anyway, nits and some fuzzy language aside, cool poeme.
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	6-Apr-06/7:07 AM
This has some really cool imagery and language. First line--"sky" should take singular verb "casts," not "cast." Might want to drop the articles ("the") in the second line. "Wearisome, I vent . . . " something's off here. (For one thing, you're basically calling yourself tiresome. Do you mean "weary"?) Second stanza--some cool imagery. I like "I want white linen (maybe make it singular?) line, but sugg. dropping "up"--white linen to cocoon me. "With morning comes a . . . turning of light"--nice. Think it'd stand alone, stronger, without "shine." The spiralling child seems disconnected right now. Maybe, also, just "smog" without "the sky's" (where else would smog be?) S/b "last night's" (apos.). I almost think the ending would be stronger without the last line. Really like this, overall.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	7-Apr-06/9:26 AM
Holy shit, Ranger. Most excellent. Hate to nitpick this one at all, because I think it's really good--some really terrific lines and good rhymes and half rhymes throughout--a truly nice tribute. I really enjoyed it.
Re: Buried by Enkidu	10-Apr-06/7:18 AM
You don't set this up enough--it needs more context and story. Second verse is better than the first.
Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	10-Apr-06/7:23 AM
Pretty good--a little staccato in the beginning. Good details though.
Re: Maybe I Wasn’t Born on a Fool’s Day by Dovina	10-Apr-06/7:38 AM
Cute, D. Every mother's nightmare. ;)