regarding some deleted poem...	3-Jul-04/7:36 PM
"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" "Zamzara Squarepants!"
Re: When by Cairsten	4-Jul-04/10:27 AM
I would have given up to two teeth I have left to have written such a poem. Anyone want to trade two teeth for a blender?
Re: Worst Sex Ever by Brittanyy	4-Jul-04/6:46 PM
Are you sure his name wasn't "Little Willie?"
Re: Paradelle of Progress by Dovina	6-Jul-04/10:57 AM
When not sure if a -10- is too much, be a coward and give a 9+.
Re: Homeless by gavinduff	6-Jul-04/11:14 AM
The last stanza is a complete poem starting with: "Somewhere in the distance... I'll rise above the clouds." I had trouble with "about his new car he had just acquired and subsequently had stolen" Sounds like he had someone steal his car in the same manner he had acquired it. Also: "sitting next to his dog his dead dog with a tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch his filthy blanket" Sounds like the homeless man was sitting with his tongue hanging from his mouth just far enough to touch the filthy blanket. I think I understand what you meant in both instances but I had to stop thinking about your images and worry the language. It (the poem) is a good idea that needs a little more work. Oh yeah, another "rewrite in progress." -8- By the way, the going rate in Pasadena for a man with a dead dog on his blanket is a $5.00 donation.
Re: Graveyards by TwilightDawned	6-Jul-04/11:37 AM
A better than average effort. Buried. "Six feet" is less important than "under-buried." Cliches are as easy to fall into as falling off a log and down into a hole dug in a graveyard.
regarding some deleted poem...	6-Jul-04/11:43 AM
Too funny. Too sad. Fry it in oil inside a radar range.
Re: Panic by Bobjim	6-Jul-04/11:53 AM
I'm sorry to inform you, sir, that this piece is not as original as you might believe. In the 60's, there were posters with this poem in every accounting office. Ah, at my age, there is nothing new. A-5- for channeling the past so well.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Jul-04/7:21 AM
"Speak quickly when lying"-- Would that be telegraphing the message? Change your name more often so when I give you a -10- I can feel less like a fan and more like an objective reader.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Jul-04/7:25 AM
You need some keys in your wallet. I didn't read the original but this last stanza flows well.
Re: Unsung california dreamin. by SupremeDreamer	7-Jul-04/7:31 AM
I feel so unclean.
regarding some deleted poem...	8-Jul-04/10:31 AM
It rarely happens but I occasionally Freudian slip my way to the truth. "I rarely happens" is much more telling than the very necessary last stanza and the act of looking at the keys. Maybe "I Rarely Happens" is a poemranker classic in the making not unlike my highly acclaimed "Rewrite in Progress."
Re: Distance by wilco	8-Jul-04/10:52 AM
Almost. That first line troubles me. Sooooooooo, I'll will only vote a -10-
Re: A Piñon Limb by Dovina	8-Jul-04/10:59 AM
You make me a believer. I thought the poem was about a "pinon lamb." It took two reads to understand why the ravens were crapping on the lamb and then Epiphany! It's about trees and nature and all that stuff. I am a city person, I have no idea what you're talking about. But what you say is Bloobyful, excuse me, beautiful.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Jul-04/10:28 AM
This is an artless piece of serio-comic-athiestic-comunistic-republican-anti-bush-pro-christian-pro-pagation(children reference) pro-paganda. The end of the poem should be "How changed would be the world if the mythical Jesus had actually lived?" BTW was his last name really Keeeeeeeeerist and does it translate from the original Geek into Gates?
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Jul-04/10:32 AM
Correction: Heaven still smells like scotch.
Re: Vows by QuirkyWonder	12-Jul-04/10:52 AM
I see something in this. The image is obscured by your immersion in the material. I think EP said it best, "Put the pen down. Back away from the paper..." Go to a coffee shop and listen to the people talking. Listen to what cashiers and ticket takers at the theater say to you. Hear the way people talk to each other when they think someone else is listening THEN come back and re-write this good idea you have. Just one thing...avoid all those stupid inanities that people use in their daily speech. Your good idea deserves more respect than the day to day parlance people use at the supermarket unless that voice is an integral part to our understanding of the poem. Don’t stop writing. Don’t be discouraged by comments on poemranker. Take what you can use and make your stuff better. I see something in there but it needs your help to get it into focus.
Re: A Girl’s Climax by Dovina	13-Jul-04/6:24 AM
I like everything butt the end. To avoid all the ambiguity, it should read: After all the dieting, Makeup, Fashion, Poise, He finally noticed, He was fat and gay.
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Jul-04/6:54 AM
"With each look, my heart you steal" Why didn't you write "We go outside the grill to start... you steal my heart?" Because it doesn't fit with the conversational tone of the rest of the poem. When you reverse the order of words to make something rhyme it makes one pause and wonder why it could not have been said in a more natural way. However, the internal rhyme in "I still can’t believe that you are mine I am my best when I'm- with you." gave me pause in appreciation that it wasn't "you are mine...when with you I'm." "it is an over-used line" is very true. The best part of this poem is that the image of the family gathering and significant other makes it through the maze of cliches. I, too, would have quit reading after life/ strife (it's a moon/ June) but I'm trying to give a 'good read' to everything. If I ignore the aforementioned negatives, I'll -7- the poem on the strength of the feelings-- comfort and satisfaction.
Re: Dylan's Odyssey. by Don-Quixote	13-Jul-04/7:02 AM
Tambourine man and candy man mean the same thing so this works for me.