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Vows (Free verse) by QuirkyWonder If these walls could talk
They'd tell me all the things you say
Inside your private thoughts
I would not be so afraid
Afraid of what the future holds
Binding us together
Your whispered words mean nothing
Without my trust and understanding
The look in your eyes is convincing
I'm mesmerized by your charm
Nothing is forever
Because forever always ends
This experience will last a lifetime
Because as of now
We are one.
Up the ladder:
Pride
Down the ladder:
Cabbagetown will miss you
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.714286
Posted: July 11, 2004 7:17 PM PDT; Last modified: July 11, 2004 7:17 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.4610424 Overall Rank: 2883 Comments:
The last three lines don't make sense. cliches abound. Try for originality.
I see something in this. The image is obscured by your immersion in the material. I think EP said it best, "Put the pen down. Back away from the paper..." Go to a coffee shop and listen to the people talking. Listen to what cashiers and ticket takers at the theater say to you. Hear the way people talk to each other when they think someone else is listening THEN come back and re-write this good idea you have. Just one thing...avoid all those stupid inanities that people use in their daily speech. Your good idea deserves more respect than the day to day parlance people use at the supermarket unless that voice is an integral part to our understanding of the poem. Donât stop writing. Donât be discouraged by comments on poemranker. Take what you can use and make your stuff better. I see something in there but it needs your help to get it into focus.
I see a delightful comedy of ascending awareness in the three above comments, yours by far the best.
That's because you are in many ways dim. No offense intended. Most people are probably dim at at least one thing.
PS- Comedies don't ascend. They revolve. Thanks.
Enjoyable, I can allmost see you behind those walls.
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Because forever always ends"
I am imagining the look of quiet satisfaction on your face when you came up with that sodden fuckmuffin, and frantically tightening a vise on my remaining teste to take away the discomfort.