| Re: Muslim woman at the office by zodiac |
23-Oct-04/12:40 PM |
It's like a flow chart with only 75% of the boxes filled in. I like it but it's a little too bony.
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| Re: A Better God by Dovina |
23-Oct-04/12:55 PM |
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You're staggered lines threw me. I was expecting a beat that didn't show. 30 Lashes with a soggy file box, and one hail mary over a bowl of fruity pebbles.
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| Re: Bra in a Bar by Dovina |
23-Oct-04/4:16 PM |
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Love it!!! Does my " trapped in a horseshoe" do justice?
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| Re: From Then Till Now by Jeremi B. Handrinos |
23-Oct-04/4:17 PM |
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...and then there were none.
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| Re: Market Day in Al-Karak, South Jordan by zodiac |
24-Oct-04/9:38 AM |
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the blunderbuss line? wtf? The rest is excellent. mock me if you like.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Oct-04/6:34 AM |
You'll probably hate me for this, or think I'm prude:
(fucking) change it? and (gleams) I believe to be too trite for this poem. I have no beef with anything else here or on your other poem. If I haven't said it before, "take your ace poems and get outta here".
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Oct-04/6:35 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Oct-04/6:39 AM |
This is one of those times when a simple idea just works. You stayed away from the hard rhyme and that helps it because you wanted a warm feeling. Excellent.
A hard rhyme would have made it feel forced or technical or rigid. Bring on part the deuce!!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
25-Oct-04/10:40 AM |
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If it were an option, I'd vote for E. Coli.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Oct-04/8:55 AM |
This has to be a first run item. Run it again, through the wringer and get more water out. It's still soggy.
8 for quantitive writing.
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| Re: Harvey the Dolphin Sucker by T. Jonathron Remp |
26-Oct-04/10:13 AM |
Comment: By Frederick Rigglesmeyer Friffelschmidt.
Yes, a womans bulging triceps are not something one should leave behind.
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| Re: A Runner's Fistful of Haiku by HaikuMofo |
26-Oct-04/10:30 AM |
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| Re: Beachy head by Mr Pig |
29-Oct-04/2:38 PM |
This defies standard suicidal parameters. Particularly the -many footpritnts. I think I've heard skin of water somewhere. Um, Blend the first stanza, 'liminate
the -but-. I honestly don't know the first thing about using line breaks, but for some reason I don't like the way this is laid out.
Glad to see you stopped by.
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| Re: Ash by horus8 |
30-Oct-04/11:54 AM |
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I have to weigh in on this because I think it is damn near perfect. I think it would be perfect if you Ironed out the beat. I know you can. Why you did not, is what I don't understand. 9
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| Re: Into My World by sliver |
31-Oct-04/8:49 AM |
Pale is used twice in the 1st stanza. Keep the rose buds. Snow white /pale washes itself out.
The second stanza is just too generic. too many b,l,u,e
words ant too many possible end rhymes to take easy street. Do it again.
S-3 How to emotions swell? You used -unfurled- in the second line. swell or unfurl. pick one.
and your closers are too generic. Find an image that equates this. A horse with blinders on perhaps? A tunnel vision driver? Plenty to choose from.
The poem is not bad, just too much telling. The Blue eyes is particularly good.
If you like this poem, take it apart and rebuild it.
Still you're improving. An unlisted 7.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Oct-04/9:35 AM |
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Thank you for posting this. It made me go back to work on my dead bird poem. Why does the title sound as if this poem is taken from a novel or movie?
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| Re: Fascists by Imago |
31-Oct-04/10:15 AM |
I would suggest you read; Baudelaires'- To the reader.
And: Ezra pounds'- Comission. Then try to find the middle ground.
...And Hyde recedes back to Dr. Jekyll
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| Re: Trust by Dovina |
31-Oct-04/10:26 AM |
I'm in the middle of "Philosophy for dummies." I'm not sure i understand trust enough to comment accurately.
Can you say "Cop out"? lol
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| Re: Work Excuse by jroday |
1-Nov-04/6:48 AM |
Quite funny!!! I was pondering the implications of a
crossmember being an angry penis the other day when I was distracted by the sudden and inexplicable explosion of the bottle of penafiel I was balancing on my head. Needless to say, I never got around to listing the implications. I will return to this duty when I dot it into my pdr.
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| Re: Ash by horus8 |
2-Nov-04/5:40 AM |
Ok bro. You're so fucking close!!!!!!!!
Line 4 (absent) is too fast a word
Line 8 is one beat off.
There are no other problems that I can hear.
I'm gonna slap you with a ten 'cos I know how hard it is to fix details like these.
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