on Bra in a Bar by Dovina
23 Oct 2004, 4:16 PM
Love it!!! Does my " trapped in a horseshoe" do justice?
on From Then Till Now by Jeremi B. Handrinos
23 Oct 2004, 4:17 PM
...and then there were none.
on Muslim woman at the office by zodiac
23 Oct 2004, 12:40 PM
It's like a flow chart with only 75% of the boxes filled in. I like it but it's a little too bony.
on A Better God by Dovina
23 Oct 2004, 12:55 PM
You're staggered lines threw me. I was expecting a beat that didn't show. 30 Lashes with a soggy file box, and one hail mary over a bowl of fruity pebbles.
on Market Day in Al-Karak, South Jordan by zodiac
24 Oct 2004, 9:38 AM
the blunderbuss line? wtf? The rest is excellent. mock me if you like.
on some deleted poem
26 Oct 2004, 8:55 AM
This has to be a first run item. Run it again, through the wringer and get more water out. It's still soggy.
8 for quantitive writing.
8 for quantitive writing.
on some deleted poem
25 Oct 2004, 6:34 AM
You'll probably hate me for this, or think I'm prude:
(fucking) change it? and (gleams) I believe to be too trite for this poem. I have no beef with anything else here or on your other poem. If I haven't said it before, "take your ace poems and get outta here".
(fucking) change it? and (gleams) I believe to be too trite for this poem. I have no beef with anything else here or on your other poem. If I haven't said it before, "take your ace poems and get outta here".
on some deleted poem
25 Oct 2004, 6:35 AM
10
on some deleted poem
25 Oct 2004, 6:39 AM
This is one of those times when a simple idea just works. You stayed away from the hard rhyme and that helps it because you wanted a warm feeling. Excellent.
A hard rhyme would have made it feel forced or technical or rigid. Bring on part the deuce!!
A hard rhyme would have made it feel forced or technical or rigid. Bring on part the deuce!!
on some deleted poem
25 Oct 2004, 10:40 AM
If it were an option, I'd vote for E. Coli.
on Harvey the Dolphin Sucker by T. Jonathron Remp
26 Oct 2004, 10:13 AM
Comment: By Frederick Rigglesmeyer Friffelschmidt.
Yes, a womans bulging triceps are not something one should leave behind.
Yes, a womans bulging triceps are not something one should leave behind.
on A Runner's Fistful of Haiku by HaikuMofo
26 Oct 2004, 10:30 AM
a mugged runner?
on Beachy head by Mr Pig
29 Oct 2004, 2:38 PM
This defies standard suicidal parameters. Particularly the -many footpritnts. I think I've heard skin of water somewhere. Um, Blend the first stanza, 'liminate
the -but-. I honestly don't know the first thing about using line breaks, but for some reason I don't like the way this is laid out.
Glad to see you stopped by.
the -but-. I honestly don't know the first thing about using line breaks, but for some reason I don't like the way this is laid out.
Glad to see you stopped by.
on some deleted poem
31 Oct 2004, 9:35 AM
Thank you for posting this. It made me go back to work on my dead bird poem. Why does the title sound as if this poem is taken from a novel or movie?
on Into My World by sliver
31 Oct 2004, 8:49 AM
Pale is used twice in the 1st stanza. Keep the rose buds. Snow white /pale washes itself out.
The second stanza is just too generic. too many b,l,u,e
words ant too many possible end rhymes to take easy street. Do it again.
S-3 How to emotions swell? You used -unfurled- in the second line. swell or unfurl. pick one.
and your closers are too generic. Find an image that equates this. A horse with blinders on perhaps? A tunnel vision driver? Plenty to choose from.
The poem is not bad, just too much telling. The Blue eyes is particularly good.
If you like this poem, take it apart and rebuild it.
Still you're improving. An unlisted 7.
The second stanza is just too generic. too many b,l,u,e
words ant too many possible end rhymes to take easy street. Do it again.
S-3 How to emotions swell? You used -unfurled- in the second line. swell or unfurl. pick one.
and your closers are too generic. Find an image that equates this. A horse with blinders on perhaps? A tunnel vision driver? Plenty to choose from.
The poem is not bad, just too much telling. The Blue eyes is particularly good.
If you like this poem, take it apart and rebuild it.
Still you're improving. An unlisted 7.
on Work Excuse by jroday
1 Nov 2004, 6:48 AM
Quite funny!!! I was pondering the implications of a
crossmember being an angry penis the other day when I was distracted by the sudden and inexplicable explosion of the bottle of penafiel I was balancing on my head. Needless to say, I never got around to listing the implications. I will return to this duty when I dot it into my pdr.
crossmember being an angry penis the other day when I was distracted by the sudden and inexplicable explosion of the bottle of penafiel I was balancing on my head. Needless to say, I never got around to listing the implications. I will return to this duty when I dot it into my pdr.