| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Apr-03/7:50 AM |
This is a good try but you really need to be more specific. You mention guts but you never actually describe them - what colour were they? did they wear shoes? had they landed on your face? Don't leave the reader guessing - tell them something about the guts. Don't tell them nothing about the guts. And another thing: on line 17 you mention that the milkman only has one eye. Couldn't you elaborate a little more? How did he lose it? Did he lose more than he bargained for? What does the empty socket look like? If you approached him on his blind side, could you slam a griddle straight into his face without him noticing? Imagine you are writing a news article about the innocent victims of cyclopia: you could even start with my own tragic tale, to be told with the Eton Boating Song (http://www.etoncollege.com/eton.asp?di=1359#) playing in the background...
"We were lovers - picnics by the river, jolly boating weather, and a hay harvest breeze, blade on the feather, shade off the trees etc. And as we lay there side by side, the Thames gently lapping at the shores of some Henley meadow, I knew that I'd never known such happiness. Then I was suddenly startled by a sound that sounded like the sound of a sparrow flying straight into a brick wall made of bricks. I turned, and to my horror, discovered that my companion's eye had been skewered by a frozen spike of liquid waste that had fallen from an airplane toilet facility. The sound of her jellied brains squelching out, marked by the subtle fragrance of slowly defrosting DETH-LOLLY, made me feel really crap."
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| Re: Pour vous en seul by e1ementfire |
30-Apr-03/9:03 AM |
You shall append the following line to your poeme:
"et pour cette pomme de terre, qui j'adore de tout mon coeur"
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-May-03/6:10 AM |
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Yes you've got some good lamentations there. I especially enjoyed the use of "pulse" to rhyme with "curse" and "liver" to rhyme with "dagger". You really ought to get this published.
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| Re: As the Redwood Ages by DurtKL |
1-May-03/6:17 AM |
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I like the way you've used the condom as a metaphor for your face. My face is moist and supple.
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| Re: One Moment to the Other (v2) by nentwined |
1-May-03/6:26 AM |
one moment to the other, groin,
by way of circumcision;
trousers down I shout "Purloin!"
and pray for close precision.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
1-May-03/6:38 AM |
May I suggest:
But friend, I tell you, you are a hero.
You helped me see the light.
When I had no eyes because they were pecked out by birds,
You shaved me with some shite.
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| Re: Remember by Luv2write |
2-May-03/1:34 PM |
Today's headlines:
"GRAVY-SHAPED POEME TOO DISGUSTING FOR WORDS," SAYS VICAR
"HELP ME!" SAYS MAN IN GROTESQUELY-WRITTEN-POEME UNPLEASANTNESS
GUITAR-SHAPED BOY BREEDS FROZEN ESCAPE GOAT
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-May-03/6:51 AM |
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Whilst you're probably going to call this poeme something like "Love Everlasting" or "When I'm with you...", I would urge you in the strongest possible terms to consider "DIABETES: a life without insulin" - it's the only title that makes any sort of sense given the circumstances.
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| Re: Blackbird & the Everlasting Dream by Ranger |
3-May-03/7:25 AM |
Cackbird squats on autumn leaves
Beneath the groin where heirloom weaves
And morsels plucked with rolled-up sleeves
Forget their pants and borrow Steve's
This bird now knows just what it means
To write something that doesn't scan, or so it seems
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| Re: When We Parted by anitawit |
3-May-03/7:29 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-May-03/7:42 AM |
Drunk and stumbling
I arrive at the edge of it,
The clinic
I am so very prejudice.
This is where I had my piles done,
They remind me of him.
He carried them in -
His arms thick with labour, incapable of surrender
For they were burdensome, and there weren't any pile-trolleys left
and I think they were beginning to attract seagulls.
Oh, the two of us!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-May-03/6:06 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
5-May-03/6:21 AM |
<SeAsIdE ReTrEaT>
So many bathers.
Then, washed ashore with the tide:
an old man's nappy
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-May-03/9:13 AM |
Session Start: Sat May 03 03:14:42 2003
*** Now talking in #Diabetic-Talk
*** Topic is 'Friendly Chat for Diabetics ( www.Diabetic-Talk.org )'
*** Set by X on Sat May 03 02:04:43
<AdamH> Hi Nappy
<TigerLily> hello, The-Nappy
<The-Nappy> anyone read Diabetes News?
<TigerLily> just what's online mostly
<ToaDad> welcome to our group
<TigerLily> we don't bite..... gotta question, jump right in
<TigerLily> and sorry you qualify
<TigerLily> to join us that is
<The-Nappy> I don't have diabetes, though
<TigerLily> not a problem
<TigerLily> what do you want to talk about?
<TigerLily> good to hear you don't "qualify"
<The-Nappy> Is that a bad thing?
<TigerLily> no..... it's good!
<TigerLily> i'm t1, most here are t2, and you are t normal!
<TigerLily> i'd give my eye teeth to trade you!
<TigerLily> so, what did you read in Diabetes News that you want to talk bout?
<The-Nappy> I didn't read anything in Diabetes News.
<TigerLily> ahh..... ok. you asked about it
<The-Nappy> I saw a diabetic reading a copy of Diabetes News.
<TigerLily> do you have a question about diabetes?
<TigerLily> how did you find us?
<The-Nappy> advert on TV.
<TigerLily> we don't advertise
<The-Nappy> why not?
<TigerLily> don't need to
<AdamH> those who want to find us, do
<TigerLily> no one here gets paid for this, and there is no income from here
<TigerLily> we are just people sharing experiences with each other
<TigerLily> nappy....... are you afraid that you will get diabetes too?
<The-Nappy> often at night I hear a crying sound coming out just below my nose
<TigerLily> Nappy....... i'm Kate....... what's your name?
<The-Nappy> James
<TigerLily> hi, James.... fine name
<ToaDad> hello, James
<TigerLily> Nappy over here means babies diaper........ it was ....... difficult to call you nappy
<The-Nappy> it means diaper!?
<TigerLily> yes..... diaper
<AdamH> Nappy's more of an English term for diaper
<The-Nappy> where I live, Nappy means "One who is not ashamed"
<TigerLily> ohkay
<^Ozgirl^> where I live a nappy is a diaper
<The-Nappy> I must look like an idiot!
<TigerLily> no you don't
<TigerLily> but i prefer to call you James
<TigerLily> where do you live, James
<The-Nappy> Cape Town
<AdamH> ah! lovely south africa
<AdamH> interesting that you're coming in through Cambridge University in England, though
<The-Nappy> COVER BLOWN... ABORT! ABORT! CODE BROWN! ABORT!
Session Close: Sat May 03 03:30:13 2003
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
6-May-03/3:58 PM |
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| Re: lost (short) by sir_heff |
7-May-03/8:52 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
8-May-03/12:48 AM |
I bet you wouldn't be so eager to gush all over your friend if you knew he'd been soaking in a HOMELETTE all night, would you? It's always the young ones that go. First it's the face: a degrading sagging of the cheeks. By the end you could hang an anvil off them and barely notice the difference. Then it's the hat. It comes from nowhere. Usually with a feather in it. Then, slowly but surely, his vest becomes ragged and his mcribs start protruding.
When you see a copy of the Big Issue slithering out of his knapsack, that's when you know he ain't your friend anymore.
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| Re: Those Crazy's people in my brainsky by Shardik |
8-May-03/12:51 AM |
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Have you ever stepped into a mound of your own used nappies so deep you thought God had pulled open his cheeks and you'd fallen in? I haven't. But I bet you have, you sick fucker.
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| Re: I Am a Snob, or, 'A Definition' by JakeBike |
8-May-03/12:55 AM |
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A ha ha! Splendid to the max! You've really captured a hearty, hilarious essential truth about the maxims of poetes in this hard-driving world we call Planet MacDo.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
8-May-03/12:56 AM |
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Of course crime is always illegal. Don't you see what would happen otherwise? DON'T YOU GET IT MAN?
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