Re: Mixed Quartet by Dovina	19-Dec-05/6:53 AM
Provocative and very elegant in the 2nd verse. I dont think that this is the best poetry I have read from you, but it conducts a better more interesting experience in a clear manner. If there were anything to improve, perhaps the 1st and second verses could be enrichened in terms of language e.g. geneticists say -> geneticists exclaim in their gatherings, maybe thats not too good, but hopefully you will see what I am driving at.
Re: I saw Your Face Last Night by Dovina	12-Dec-05/9:08 AM
Lucky Guy
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/1:15 PM
I can see your point, the change of focus is causing quite some disturbance for people, and for me when you reflect it. The way I wrote it was just as a stream of thought with usually the next point of focus beginning where the previous one ended, it appears it has not payed off. The pleasant scene by the way is supposed to illustrate an attachment to material pleasures. I am planning a re-write, and I will try to stick to the metallurgy and stormy imagery and focus next time.
Re: a comment on Better Off Dead by wilco	9-Dec-05/12:06 PM
My reason for deleting your comments on Dark's Nest was that the rewrite was so complete that the commentry made no sense, and so I felt that it should go; but if you are attached this strongly, then I will think a couple more times before removing anything of yours (or others) again. I value the time that people spend, even if I can be touchy to start with, and certainly wouldn't want to lose your input.
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/8:33 AM
1. As you stated the red forks are streaking, it is long and thats what I want from these sentances, I like the way it lures you in and then suffocates you with there length, until the relief of it finishing, just like venting anger. Your edit things more coherant. 2. I havn't yet, but I will to include some of the comments on it, + I recommended DancingShamrock richen up the language a bit with a line that I badly want to use myself now (Castigating the meat of my accomplishments) then took a look at this and thought that I could do a bit better than red lightning. How come the lack of sleep??? 3. Point taken, I think, I was coming from the perspective of "You cant help someone who wont help themselves", but if you don't try then they will not know how to help themselves, and so you should take it as your responsibility to make people aware that a route to a solution is available, and to help people to get onto/go along it. If you do not make that awareness of the route available then people will not know to take it, and so they are doing the best that they can, since they know no better.
Re: Rub You Out by TLRufener	9-Dec-05/6:57 AM
Adds to the sadness of count all the stars, and the slammed door in the face adds a element of shock to the end; but you will attract cricism for the use of cliches and the lack of richness in the language you use. It seems to me that you use cliches as power sentances to demenstrate emotions in a powerful way, but other people are taking them as just cliches. To richen the language and reduce the critism for using cliches, why not start with a thesaurus and replace lines like 'Tearing down my dreams' with 'Castigating the meat of my accomplishments' or 'Excoriating the flesh of my aspirations' .... It may help on both accounts. Overall, just a bit sadder than the last.
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/6:41 AM
1. Being short on grammer here, Im not sure quite where they fall apart, I know they dont look right because they are so long. It was the first time I tried writing sentances instead of lines for poems. 2. I think I see, the rain should damp the breathing not the cool ash, since the rain is like cool ash not like cool ash damping breathing. Also 'venting' should become 'that vented', and a comma should go between soft cheese and following. I don't see the issue of the strangler being introduced so late, it is unusual but I dont think it is detrimental (I hope). 3. The strangler is presented as the victim here who draws his own fate. The piece is there to advocate that instead of bitching and moaning about a problem, try to work to a solution, and at that point you lose your anger (until inhibited ...) it is the responibility of those who know how to solve such issues to help provide a pathway and assistance should someone wish to solve their problems. Anybody who disagrees with that is likely to need help, or be some kind of enlightened monk that has never been part of society (tell me if I'm wrong). Bush does not care for American people, his administration is geared towards providing for his Administration and the corporations that affect them, he provides as much social benefit and charity as is required so as to stay in power and not be even more scorned and hated by the interational community and the country he is supposed to serve.
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/6:12 AM
I just thought .... bu bu but...
Re: no title by candaliesa	9-Dec-05/3:18 AM
morose with improved potency from the use of melodramatic cliche's. The rhyme was nice and it made a pleasurable read. You presented a common theme here, and you presented it well, but you did nothing to it, there was nothing new here, no inticacies (unless I am missing something) and so I can only rate it a -7-.
Re: a comment on Better Off Dead by wilco	9-Dec-05/3:12 AM
zodiac + wilco: In answer to zodiacs message: With regards to the "just a general impression" that no serious poet can take to the bank: I attempt to pull out general points in order to credit the direction someone takes and provide feedback on themes and reasons for the pleasure or otherwise obtained by reading the piece. I didn't realise that this was of little use to people; my intention is to provide a useful critique without being brutal. Is this of no use to people? Is proof-reading closer to what people want and gain from most? With regards to "poemranker isn't serious poetry": I would disagree and say that some people can pour their hearts out on the page and for such should be treated with importance rather than by receiving comments like the allpoetry.com favourite "nice write", and should at least be told in a reletively respectful manner why their work succeeded or failed to please. Other people take this less seriously, but I would prefer to ebb on the side of caution. With regards to "put up or shut up": Im afraid Im going stoke up the firing line and choose "put up". What would you like and benefit from being put up? With regards to deleting commentry: I delete commentry when it gets too long or the piece is completely rewritten and so it is irrelevent usually.
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/2:49 AM
If there were something deeper, embedded within the simple sentances that you might not see, would you rate it the same way?
Re: a comment on Count All the Stars by TLRufener	9-Dec-05/2:47 AM
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	8-Dec-05/1:19 PM
No one ever does, I try to make them simpler and simpler each time I write them, but still clarity is a skill that I try to embrace with one hand and push away with another. The first two stanzas are about venting anger, firstly through relaxation and secondly through creativity and material belongings, the third verse is about coming to a resolution for the anger, and working over your difficulies, reducing the need to vent.
Re: Emma Barksdale by rahson_s	8-Dec-05/12:35 PM
By the way, the site sends more chills through me the more I read. Heart provoking.
Re: Emma Barksdale by rahson_s	8-Dec-05/12:28 PM
Ouch.
Re: a comment on Better Off Dead by wilco	8-Dec-05/10:14 AM
Constructive, interesting, funny or descriptive comments, rather than damp unenthused comments that sound like they have come from the mind of a man who has been tied to a chair whilst Rockmage receits his lifelong works. A good example of the commentry I am talking about is given on count all the stars by dancingshamrock: http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=134711 (There is a number box to tell people whether it is good, bad or mediocre) I deleted the comments after a rewrite, they were of no use. I think it was along the lines of "Allright, sounds like a metallica song". I just think that something a little more constructive may help you and the recipient yield more from your commentry.
Re: Chills by BrandonW	8-Dec-05/7:11 AM
Nice flow, borders on humour, good metaphors.
Re: Thespian by BrandonW	8-Dec-05/7:09 AM
Poor, Im sure Ive read work by you that is much better than this. Im sure this represents something very emotional in your life, but the simplicity and lack of elegance makes me just not want to care. It adhears rigidly to some form or another to the cost of the piece.
Re: Hope by sliver	8-Dec-05/6:51 AM
Nice + quaint pleasurable read, good image with the symbol in the snow. It lacked a bit in language and didnt do anything with rythm or flow but otherwise quite nice.
Re: The Third Fall Of Jesus by amanda_dcosta	8-Dec-05/5:33 AM
You have definately achieved something here, since the piece has mustered enough interest for me to read the whole of it, and there is a lot of it. The piece loses realism in places where it appears you are yearning to be christian and pandering to christianity with aspirational images based on christ. I am not saying that you are not a christian, but I am saying that it appears that you are trying to be a christian (perhaps unnecessarily)