Adds to the sadness of count all the stars, and the slammed door in the face adds a element of shock to the end; but you will attract cricism for the use of cliches and the lack of richness in the language you use. It seems to me that you use cliches as power sentances to demenstrate emotions in a powerful way, but other people are taking them as just cliches. To richen the language and reduce the critism for using cliches, why not start with a thesaurus and replace lines like 'Tearing down my dreams' with 'Castigating the meat of my accomplishments' or 'Excoriating the flesh of my aspirations' .... It may help on both accounts. Overall, just a bit sadder than the last.