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Rub You Out (Free verse) by TLRufener

I wish I could rub you out Just like the words written on my hand But you have saturated me You are in my every step Hovering over me Your words are always in my mind Darkening each ray of light Your negativity has stolen my self-confidence Dampening my self-esteem Tearing down my dreams In a never-ending battle with you I can never win with you If you aren’t happy Then I can’t be happy Just when I find a chance for love You slam the door in my face

cyan9 9-Dec-05/6:57 AM
Adds to the sadness of count all the stars, and the slammed door in the face adds a element of shock to the end; but you will attract cricism for the use of cliches and the lack of richness in the language you use. It seems to me that you use cliches as power sentances to demenstrate emotions in a powerful way, but other people are taking them as just cliches. To richen the language and reduce the critism for using cliches, why not start with a thesaurus and replace lines like 'Tearing down my dreams' with 'Castigating the meat of my accomplishments' or 'Excoriating the flesh of my aspirations' .... It may help on both accounts. Overall, just a bit sadder than the last.




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