Re: a comment on Semaphores from the Chaos by cyan9	12-Apr-06/10:25 AM
Touchy as ever
Re: a comment on Semaphores from the Chaos by cyan9	12-Apr-06/10:25 AM
It was the way you said it
Re: a comment on The Day After Next by cyan9	10-Apr-06/4:16 AM
Cheers for that old boy. As for the quick reader sick feeder bunch, start name dropping
Re: a comment on The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	10-Apr-06/4:14 AM
True
Re: a comment on Semaphores from the Chaos by cyan9	10-Apr-06/2:22 AM
I go for a short break, and when I come back I find that you are as pedantic as ever
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	9-Apr-06/2:10 PM
I am curious to see whether making verses 2-5 rhyme in a plodding, marching kind of way would add to the piece
Re: a comment on Random Design by thepinkbunnyofdoom	9-Apr-06/2:03 PM
I would second this. Your lyrics 'Guilt Trip' are one of the two poems that are on my favourites list, what it has that this piece doesn't is that each verse stems straight from the same emotion and states consecutive parts from the same story. It comes across as though you learn a few different lessons here from different events, and there are really a few shorter poems sandwiched together that could be focused upon.
Re: a comment on The Day After Next by cyan9	7-Apr-06/1:22 AM
Help me out here, A dinner well cooked that everyones eaten an hour ago??? Is it too cliched? or does it spend too long explaining itself? This is due to be the intro piece to a book that I am putting together, so if it aint good, somethings gotta be done.
Re: a comment on The Day After Next by cyan9	6-Apr-06/7:46 AM
Cheers for the compliment, what I was trying to get at with the camera film is effect when you see clips of old films that have been exposed to the heat and have melted, and am at a loss as to how to describe that effect, I geuss 'like snapshots from a melted projector film'?????
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	4-Apr-06/7:45 AM
Didn't really get this, it was cool, and an enjoyeable ride, I think Im glad that I havn't got it in the end + it grows on me. After reading your ecplanation I geuss to clarify it without giving away what you are talking about you might consider using a few more cat like terms e.g. feline, and also references to looking at the women.
Re: The Unforgiven II by alvinb	4-Apr-06/7:38 AM
The best thing Ive read on this site
Re: a comment on The Day After Next by cyan9	4-Apr-06/7:30 AM
Thanks for the critique, Ive acted upon it somewhat and think its added to the piece. Will return the favour at some point.
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	31-Jan-06/1:21 AM
Evil metal dudes invade Narnia and cause havok, maybe its a bit deeper than that in places, but in essence... ...
Re: May I Help by Dovina	20-Jan-06/5:04 AM
Really liked the first verse, nice feel all the way through, last 2 lines warming as well.
Re: Fredrick Illinois by rahson_s	19-Jan-06/3:13 PM
It left me wanting to shoot Fredrick Illinois
Re: a week off by hendrimike	19-Jan-06/3:11 PM
"the horizon becomes the sunlights throne, orange purple red and gold" are very good lines, I thought this was simple and nice, and probobally deserved more than some of the votes its been given.
Re: Topper Fey by ALChemy	19-Jan-06/3:08 PM
Like it, amusing and fun. verse with Now thank the lord above stood out a little too much for my likings, too much of a change of rythm, or maybe the wrong sort of change
Re: Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	19-Jan-06/1:41 AM
Origional Glaring at the glowing drops of steel As they dripped from the scarred anvil Like beads of tempered rain running Into crevice and crack like red lightning Forks streaking cross charcoal sky From whence rain came as cool ash Damping breathing, calming the very soul. Striking out with intention of murder Whipping up more anger to draw the victim, The strangler who sketched with chalk finger The outlines of bodies and dark little stories Venting to peace and evenings drinking Red wine with soft cheese following Extended visits to the patisserie. Darkness undressed her all scarred and withered, Weaving its storm clouds and pronouncing out loud “All should kneel then be proud” to yield to adversity, Any little difficulty could go unsolved so easily Until the day he turned away from all that hate, Turned around and remedied his complaints, his disdain.
Re: The Frey by Southern_Bell	19-Jan-06/1:37 AM
The double line spaces add massively to the piece, drumming up suspence ... an enjoyable piece. The trussels line is a bit odd though, Im not even sure what they are, but they dont seem to quite blend in with this dark romancing poem.
Re: four walls by crwncka1	19-Jan-06/1:34 AM
Reminds me of the film Labyrinth at the end with the staircases