Re: Eternity by Dovina	25-Oct-05/6:29 AM
If "But the opposite is true" refers to "It’s location location location" then bravo. If it refers to "Her condition’s going down" than BOO! It's the meat of a contradiction sandwich because you follow with -"Strength and vigor exhausted". I know you're taking what the doctors are saying out of context but it's a bit confusing. Did you write this in MS Word because all the first letters in each line are capitalized. Interesting point of view. Optimistic, no sense of dread what-so-ever.
Re: Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac	25-Oct-05/5:54 AM
PS: Great critique and suggestions on my latest poem. I was on vacation, as you were from my constant debating.
Re: Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac	25-Oct-05/5:45 AM
Ironic that this is the one people seem to get. Also ironic that you recently scolded me for having strung together phrases. Love the toothless men with knives line. A little Freudian Psycho-babble for ya. Religion is in a warm vagina. You're not gonna find it in the chosen land. Atheism is in a masturbater's fist. Your religion's in alaska but your pride is in your hand. ALChemy psycho-babble: Get your ass to Alaska pronto lest thou fall amongst ye dumb morons. -10-
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	25-Oct-05/4:37 AM
To me it represents one thing but it's kinda like saying God and expecting everyone to think of the same god your thinking of. I think it's lack of elaboration is due more to my laziness then sloppiness.
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	25-Oct-05/4:31 AM
Thanks LadyPoet The bird thing was kinda an experiment. It in one way criticizes the pre-concieved religious symbolism of the tree and in that way contradicts it. I thought it would be appropriate to have the bird line interupt the poem but I conceed it does throw the reader off a bit. I looked up booth brink and amidst and there doesn't seem to be a problem. Brink: The upper edge of a steep or vertical slope. The verge. Amidst:(or Amid) Surrounded by; in the middle of. I must be missing something obvious I guess. Good suggestions. I hope there's a tree too. Lord knows I'll probably need it. Sorry about the punctuation I must have had something against periods that day.
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	25-Oct-05/4:06 AM
That's some of the best criticism I've read. Actually it's from a regular prose story. It's just a poem one of the characters recalls after they actually find the tree. Story poems are incredibly hard to do well. Usually either the story or the poetry is hindered because of it. I admit the poems got alot of flaws. I really like it mostly for its sound. I think there's a sweet spot that floats between free-verse and conventional verse but it's hard as hell to hit. I looked up "amidst" and the first definition I got was "in the middle of" so maybe its an outdated usage of the word I don't know. Great suggestion for a change though. Pigeons and doves: And yet people treat them so differently. Sometimes when I write or draw I start with an image and just let the poem evolve piece by piece never exactly sure where it will go. This usually ends with a product that's high in sound, low in logic. Then I edit. I wonder if Wordsworth and Coleridge approached writing that way. Most of the story (that the poem is in) takes place in a dream world.(I know cliches abound) But the story was meant to be sort of a parable of the Gospels. It was my attempt to put the reader into the mind and perspective of a messiah in a way they could imagine and relate to. Not a good subject to write a first book on. I'd be a hypocrite to criticize your spelling. Although it's fun to point out because it happens so rarely with you. Sorry it took so long to reply. I was on vacation.
Re: a comment on I don't rhyme enough, eh? by Niphredil	17-Oct-05/11:16 AM
Ok?
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	17-Oct-05/11:07 AM
The dove and pigeon are open to interpretation as is most of the poem. They could represent racism, religion, sexism, social hierarchy, etc. The point is, is that they are practically the same but are more often than not percieved as different. The exchanging of feathers is the dissolving of these kinds of illusions. In my personal view (but this doesn't have to be the only view) The birds are actually a critique of the actual theme itself. Saying why save some and not all, why call some a pigeon and some a dove? In that way the poem is as hypocritical as life itself.
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	17-Oct-05/10:43 AM
You can stand in the middle of a stream or shallow river just ask fly fisherman. Come on your really nit-pickin' with the whole strung together phrase thing. But if you make a suggestion that maintains the rhythm of the poem I'll be very greatful. One would imagine logically that both river and falls end in a sea of fire. It relates to journeys because it's at the end of the journey for those who make it to the tree, because its where you would want to be. Sorry about the lack of punctuation and waterfall misspelling. The birds can represent a lot of things but originally the idea came from noticing how simular doves and pigeons are and yet how differently their percieved and treated. The exchange of feathers being the desolving of this illusion between the two. PS: If you take the personified meanings of the birds it becomes sort of a critique saying that the innocent and the gullable aren't so far off from each other. I thought more symbolic or fictional than hypothetical. Hypothetical tends to imply a realistic situation to me. I was inspired to write this when one day I saw a tree standing in the middle of a stream. I made it a river to make the tree appear more powerful. The rest is just metaphor for a story that in itself was a metaphor for a story (Not that you needed or even wanted to know that). I look foward to your tutelage.
Re: a comment on There is a journey tree by ALChemy	16-Oct-05/7:04 PM
According to the poem the tree will never fall over. I'm quite flattered that you hope that such a thing does exist. Me too. The poem came from a story I started to write years ago and never finished. Hense the assured title. It does exist at least in that story.
Re: Downside by Miggy	16-Oct-05/5:12 AM
Lyrics better left unread: Most early Beetles songs. Lyrics worth reading: Most later Beetles songs. I can't seem to fit your poem in either category.
Re: a comment on I don't rhyme enough, eh? by Niphredil	16-Oct-05/4:15 AM
Not quite. It's because words are a necessity in rap. Even its name comes from a slang term for talking. Most other popular forms of music tend to rely more on the actual music. I will say some country music has many of the qualities you find in literature poetry. Then a bunch of cowboys drew their pistols.
Re: a comment on The End by Caducus	16-Oct-05/1:19 AM
Q: You were smoking a joint when you wrote this weren't you? Actually that sounds like a good idea.
Re: Figment by Dovina	15-Oct-05/5:10 AM
I see the idea now but when I first read it, it sounded like an amateur magician.
Re: monday v2 by ay deee	14-Oct-05/1:05 PM
Are you man or woman? Because I've never heard of women being drafted but on the other hand you wear a skirt. Maybe your just Scottish.
Re: 3312 by D P Robertson	14-Oct-05/12:55 PM
verbal diarrhoea (or diarrhea to us blue collar folk) and Rainman may be things atributed to some of your other poems but not this one. Good job.
Re: Cycles In Circles - Shame by D P Robertson	14-Oct-05/12:46 PM
I think we all get it. Your recycling words. Now shut up already. I'm guessing you read Poe so read his essays on composition in poetry. He'll tell you to make your point quickly and not to waste the readers time. If you write something this long it should at least tell a somewhat coherent and interesting story. You took a nice stab at it though. Actually 126 stabs.
Re: It’s getting dark by Prince of Void	14-Oct-05/12:30 PM
Your use of fragmented sentences is obtuse. "an eye" Unless your making some obscure reference to the movie A.I. which I doubt.
Re: Creatures That Crawl To Me by D P Robertson	14-Oct-05/12:17 PM
Nice stab at Poe like verse but the poem goes absolutely nowhere. "Caverns of creatures crawl". One too many on the alliteration. You can get away with that more with softer sounding vowels, as in "While I wondered weak and weary". Harder sounding vowels will start to sound like tounge twisters. Good job staying true with the meter.
Re: muted muffability by calliope	14-Oct-05/11:59 AM
Holy cow! I hope you don't have halitosis when someone has to hear you read this to him or her.