Re: a comment on Give it up Max by Stephen Robins |
19-Jan-07/9:10 AM |
Nay, but the three is not hidden
Nor under my skirt, ridden
He possesses no strength
And could find it at length
With ten thousand poems
Even more.
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Re: a comment on Stripping the willow by ecargo |
19-Jan-07/9:04 AM |
âSighted along the long draw of alder, oak--so flies the blood burn of old sacrifice.â The long dash confused me.
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Re: Give it up Max by Stephen Robins |
19-Jan-07/8:53 AM |
His behaviorâs not ace
Nor is his face
He tugged on my muff
But itâs sturdy enough
Whatâs amazing to me
Is he canât find his 3.
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Re: Stripping the willow by ecargo |
17-Jan-07/7:55 PM |
âPound your swords into plowshares,â your spears into sickles, which do burn more naturally in the hands.
Strange, using the British spelling of plow.
Suggest âmurmuringâ replace the obscure âsough.â
Suggest conventional sentence structure in the last one, as done in the others.
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Re: a comment on Brains for Barter by Dovina |
17-Jan-07/1:55 PM |
ok, lol, seriousness not expected.
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Re: a comment on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina |
17-Jan-07/1:52 PM |
And thanks again for commenting on the poem, instead of using it for a soap box.
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Re: The man who loved Lennon by Caducus |
16-Jan-07/2:50 PM |
The musical undertones work ok, starting with Lennon (presume John Lennon). But for David to express his love with shillings to buy plectrums (very inexpensive) seems weak. Maybe itâs why she walked away. Bringing back the bass voice in her heels is good. Some facts about this Iâm not up to speed on.
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Re: Pointless by fadedlove |
16-Jan-07/2:39 PM |
These personal diatribes seldom work as poems.
"Play the red card, walk away" is what we do when no other reason for refusing sex comes immediatly to mind.
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Re: a comment on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina |
16-Jan-07/2:35 PM |
Thanks for reading, then voting.
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Re: a comment on Wreck of the Poor Anchor by Dovina |
16-Jan-07/2:28 PM |
You donât like everything, as you have just said, and said before. And rockmage cannot even find a simple 3 he left in plain sight on one of my poems. So who is it again who has no talent?
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Re: If she thinks if she believes by Prince of Void |
16-Jan-07/11:29 AM |
I think you mean "then" in Line 3, not "so". Even so, it's unnecessarily tied up in "if"'s.
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Re: I heart you by thetrev |
16-Jan-07/11:26 AM |
Would be better withoiut the "There"'s. i.e., "Magnetic words on the fridge"
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Re: Fury by wilco |
15-Jan-07/7:32 PM |
Itâs the kind of exposition and soap-boxing Iâve been blasted for these several years, and the kind of thing I still get all gushy about. But âirony of fate is lostâ â is too nebulous even for me. Good otherwise.
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Re: a comment on Fanatic by Dovina |
15-Jan-07/7:23 PM |
The most interesting returns from writing a poem are the responses so far from what I was thinking while writing and editing it that itâs as if the English language carries with it sub-cultures of meaning, invisible to me like the baggage of bacteria we all carry in our bodies. Yet, on considering a response such as yours, I see how it could be sincere, and how the poem falls apart if understood in that way.
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Re: a comment on Fanatic by Dovina |
13-Jan-07/6:04 PM |
Alright:
Fanatic (a poem about Stephen Robins)
Walled in a city of visions, (London)
he believed in beauty and order. (of dubious leanings)
Bogged in a gray slough of facts, (about abominable acts)
his tongue had learned to mock,
his lips to sneer.
Prepared with opium hopes, (well, you get the gist)
he came greenly on life,
to receive flowers of tenderness
and gentleness he had little known.
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Re: Same old rancour (a yellow stream of consciousness) by ecargo |
13-Jan-07/12:42 PM |
Yes, again! Another toast, another round. Ain't it fun? lol
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Re: a comment on Fanatic by Dovina |
13-Jan-07/12:39 PM |
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Re: a comment on New Year by wilco |
13-Jan-07/12:37 PM |
Suggest Bm, Em, F# major - somber sounds for a dismal theme. (I know, a major key can carry a somber theme, too.) Not bad for being drunk. I could say, âNot that this is bad, but I bet you could write a really great thing if you saved up and all that.â But I wonât. Not bad sober either.
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Re: a comment on Fanatic by Dovina |
13-Jan-07/12:25 PM |
I like the first better too. Itâs just that, here and elsewhere, few people got it. Would you have gotten it without the revision?
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Re: a comment on Brains for Barter by Dovina |
13-Jan-07/12:23 PM |
You are right; I write too much. Only a fraction posts here. Is there a 12-step program for the likes of me? Is it what kept you away?
Welcome back, with sympathy,
Dovina
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