| Re: Dark Everlasting by Sean Allen |
8-Nov-04/7:51 PM |
This is pretty good. I hope the last line is not about suicide, because if it is, then I take it back. The first verse is good. The last line of the second verse seems not to follow the theme. "and regret"??? "You can't see me so you forget." - why?
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| Re: Mind's Eye by Sean Allen |
8-Nov-04/7:55 PM |
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I think you could make this into a better poem by forgetting that someone told you villanelles are cool.
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| Re: It Still Hurts by poetryman |
11-Nov-04/12:00 PM |
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For general readers, the last paragraph is not needed. The value of this poem is how it relates us to our own similar feelings.
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| Re: Remembrance by Caducus |
11-Nov-04/12:08 PM |
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A fine Veteran's Day sentiment. "Passels" seems unnecessarily erudite. "walls of names which each had a face" -> Walls of names that once were faces.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
11-Nov-04/12:15 PM |
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The third verse is a bit confusing. I thought you were going to say that with your neighbor, you'd do just about anything to help, contrary to how you act at work. I wish you had.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
11-Nov-04/12:18 PM |
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The last line is perfect.
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| Re: Thereâs A Voice Deep Inside My Head by celticskatermatt1 |
11-Nov-04/12:19 PM |
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Little said for so many words.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
11-Nov-04/12:35 PM |
Not bad, except the last line - don't get it.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
12-Nov-04/9:19 AM |
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I think you need a title.
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| Re: Only You by hatedestruction |
12-Nov-04/9:24 AM |
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You have tried to relate an emotion you have felt to your readers using what you think are logical bridges and similis, but they fail logically. Most readers of poetry appreciate both emotion and logic.
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| Re: Hanging by celticskatermatt1 |
12-Nov-04/12:16 PM |
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Better than your last, but punctuation would help, not hinder the flow, as some think.
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| Re: Jesus by Dovina |
12-Nov-04/7:20 PM |
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Thereâs something in this poem for everyone. If Iâve left someone out, it was not from sluggardry, but ignorance. Christians are offended for obvious reasons; atheists for suggestion of a King; story lovers because it tells, never shows; poets because it omits the cherished poetic devices; humanists for stoicism; logicians for unsubstantiated claims, drunkards for seriousness; teetotalers for simplicity. Have I left anyone out? Oh, yes, me because itâs the way I see it. Appologies.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Nov-04/12:48 PM |
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The quarel might go back to the Battle of Kinsale, stale as Irish memories are sometimes, and a fine depiction of the problem, a kind of rebuttle to the idea that good fences make good neighbors.
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| Re: moving away by celticskatermatt1 |
14-Nov-04/12:51 PM |
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What good is the last line, except to rhyme?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Nov-04/3:03 PM |
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"You conquered my flaw of being shy." That's agreat line because it happened to me once, and that's what makes a line great, of course. Many people are out hunting for that person to collect the bounty.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
15-Nov-04/3:06 PM |
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This is pretty well said. I could poke holes in some of it, but it's still well said.
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| Re: Found Object #1 by Plaidypus |
15-Nov-04/3:08 PM |
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| Re: My Wish by Fire_is_cool |
15-Nov-04/3:09 PM |
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| Re: Pillosophy by Bobjim |
15-Nov-04/3:10 PM |
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| Re: WHAT YOU GIVE AWAY IS WHAT YOU TAKE TO HEAVEN by w~* ATHENA *~w |
16-Nov-04/7:48 AM |
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The title tells us too much. The all-caps speak too loudly, adding to the preachiness.
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