| Re: Silent by storyspinner |
16-Apr-05/1:28 PM |
|
If I knew this was written by someone who could not speak, Id say it's sensual and meaningful to a reader who can. If I didn't know that I'd say the same.
|
|
|
 |
| Re: We Were Burnouts by jessicazee |
17-Apr-05/9:45 AM |
|
Some spelling mistakes in the last few lines.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
17-Apr-05/11:24 AM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
19-Apr-05/1:46 PM |
|
A comparison of observations, a relating of two things most people never think of as related. How about "where" in the last line?
|
|
|
|
| Re: Sins of a Father by Mona Lisa |
19-Apr-05/1:52 PM |
|
Why not use punctuation within the lines, since you're using it at the ends? I like "coughed a bastard" and "coughed at amen." But much of this eludes me.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Baggage (3rd ending) by INTRANSIT |
20-Apr-05/7:58 AM |
|
I like the crosses: genes/jeans, baggage/DNA. Think it would sound less didactic and more homely if you replaced all the "we"'s with "I" or Jonney or the new pope, zodiac, whatever.
|
|
|
|
| Re: tanka (3) by shadows |
20-Apr-05/3:45 PM |
|
|
|
| Re: A new leaf by Damien |
20-Apr-05/3:53 PM |
"their" in Line 6.
"boundless" in Line 13
"whoever" in Line 16
I hope you do not mean that you hope this is not understandable. If you do mean that, why did you write it?
The first two verses make sense to me, the last two - I don't know.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Staying Alive by darylchew |
20-Apr-05/3:57 PM |
|
Some grammar problems. Suicide poems usually don't work.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Stop by [mojo] |
21-Apr-05/2:00 PM |
|
It can't be helped. We are sick or we wouldn't do this.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The temple of Dissaray by DeadtotheWorld |
21-Apr-05/2:02 PM |
|
At first I thought all the spelling and grammar irregularities were on purpose. Now I think you know no better.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Country Song by Caducus |
22-Apr-05/9:51 AM |
|
The irony of time - the order of things is wrong. Clean up a few grammar gaps.
|
|
|
|
| Re: the solitary tree by bamf909 |
22-Apr-05/10:01 AM |
|
You tell us too much. Use fewer words and choose carefully. Avoid telling us things like "amber waves of grain display yellow cowardice." This has poetntial.
|
|
|
|
| Re: A greater purpose? by Damien |
22-Apr-05/10:07 AM |
|
This would be good if I found it scratched on a bar napkin. As a poem, it's a disjointed ramble. I think you should think about what you want to say before saying it. some good thoughts are scratched here.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Apr-05/10:11 AM |
|
I'd comment on the poem, but, well, I know you too well.
|
|
|
|
| Re: The South Side of Racine, 1988 by jessicazee |
22-Apr-05/10:14 AM |
|
A reminise like this needs a little more to grab the attention of somebody who's new to your street.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Crossing the Mojave by INTRANSIT |
22-Apr-05/2:53 PM |
I've seen him, I think
driving that road,
shoe leather soul
Part of me wishes
to walk alongside
talk with agave
cross the Majave
with a dark ghostly guide
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Aftermath by darylchew |
23-Apr-05/12:05 PM |
|
A rephrasing of a common theme, and not a very good one.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Apr-05/3:55 AM |
|
Omit "so" in line 7, "and I" in line 9, and "go" in line 12. Maybe scratch the last line. Otherwise good.
|
|
|
|
| Re: This one the love by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
24-Apr-05/4:00 AM |
|
Many have fought the concept of love and ended up loveless or love torn or unlovable. Love always wins, somewhere else maybe, but it always wins. Bow down to it.
|
|
|
|
