Bankrupt_Word_Clerk
on The Intellect Repeats by Blue Magpie
27 Jun 2005, 12:23 AM
villanelles are hard work. I even had to look up how to write a villanelle to check to see if you wrote a villanelle. Which you did. Yikes.
Prose yes, poem no, the language needs to be something extra for that.
Reads like a description of a computergame. But the era's all wrong.
We might need to work on that then. I felt that the space developed by one wasn't quite as vital as that created by two. The dynamic is important. Do you dance alone?
Good idea! But what's the diacritic for a short inhalation, like the Danes do at the ends of sentences?
No, but i've been to Ireland, and my brother's name is James, and my best friend's mother's name is Joyce.
Fair comment I'll lose the "pulley" . Ta
The first 14 lines sound like my 10 year old,
spewing fourth awkward taunts -
the rest is great.
Seems this site is still hollow rude and talentless!
If you wallow in trivial shit - you'll always put fourth
trivial shit.
GROW UP!
I know what you mean, and I do try to avoid messing with the structure of sentences as much as I can, but pobody's nerfect, and besides, if Shakespeare didn't see a problem with it, who am I to argue with him?
Not bad. But the best poemranker lay in the olden style is still this one:
THE LAY OF KING BUMBLEMEAT
Whither the meatly hats of yesterlunch?
Whither the sausage helmets, the hammy porkpies, the berets
Shimm'ring in sunlight, so meatly,
All smelling sweetly
Of honey and jelly-glaze?
Whither King Bumfirst's hamhock, that bunched
So gloriously on his ears as he rode that day
Swinging his wet truncheon:
To luncheon! To luncheon!
So awfully, so embarassingly gay?
Alas! No more the meat! Alas! No more those hats!
The ham-fedoras flapping their silly brims among the leaves
Of Bumwood! Lost completely
Are those bright helms, so meatly,
Collapsed with somewhat sickly splats
On the tops of our Wellingtons (Beeves).
Q: If you only felt like this because you'd heard love described in exactly the same terms God knows how many times, rather than - I don't know - somehow just spontaneously having this feeling, would you know? In other words, do your knees really, REALLY buckle? Please answer honestly.
Change "jolting fatigue", "long- limbed pulley", and give the ending some punch. Very good, though. Have you been watching Dancing with the Stars?
Are you Stephen Daedalus?
Oh, I see. You see your role as poet to say offensive untrue things about people and then count on other people's being decent enough to say the right things in reaction. You're the Chris Rock of poetry.
I understood the punctuation as such. I still think it's messy. At the very least, "Grant now my petitions, for which I make claim" is horrendously overworded. And would you really, really say "I make claim for my petitions"? Would you really say "I've kept something with passion for religion"?
Sorry if I've gotten you wrong. There are two users running around this site calling you mom. Their poem-pages are here http://www.poemranker.com/user-browse.js