Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	ALChemy 65.188.90.53	28-Jun-05/3:55 PM
Good points. In this case desecration means "To violate the sacredness of". Did you mean "decimation"? Basically I'm saying sacrilege everywhere. But I see what you were thinking. "More bodies" is a good poetic idea but this poem kind of has a loose rhyme and shortening the line makes it harder to make the "shells" "kill" connection. I considered that one a lot though. Yeah I know "THIER". It's a bad dyslexic habit I have yet to overcome.
Re: a comment on -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	ALChemy 65.188.90.53	28-Jun-05/3:34 PM
Aren't you the hero. Sticking up for others. What Dental Panic said and what was implied were two different things. I just pointed it out. My point is that an event this tragic is impossible to capture on print. So at best a poem can only be a reminder of those events. Considering your responses. This poem for good or bad reasons has at least got you thinking about Rwanda again. That was my goal. It's good to know your feelings about the subject are stronger than this poem or any poem. I write poetry for myself. Then if I get curious I post it. They are two sepperate acts. There is plenty of stuff I won't post for the reason that I only want it for myself but all my poems are originally written for me. To some of you this poem is as annoying as a Mentos commercial but you still remember the product don't you? This poem is cold and heartless in ways and I believe that it has to be.
Re: a comment on The Object of the Game by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/12:32 PM
Thanks, Darby
Re: a comment on The Object of the Game by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/12:32 PM
You’re asking for psychological answers as though you have training. My viewpoint is mere experience as one of the hurt. His ears seem so deaf to what so many have said, that I wonder if he really prefers his sorrow and finds comfort in it.
Re: Divorcing Tennessee by Dovina	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/12:15 PM
I would rather read the poem than the criticism, so I'll not join any existing fracas below. You have made up words, used an unnecessary archaism, butchered punctuation, thrown capitalization completely out the penthouse window... and it was worth it. The poem reads, at least to someone who has never been to Tennessee, like it was written by someone from Tennessee, or rather that these were the raw thoughts of the person failing to assure themselves of their decision. I love the beauty and artistry of the language as much as anyone, but I also love its flexibility. Someone with the skill for expression should be allowed to make the determination for themselves whether to use formal or free flowing styles to reflect their subject matter. Any elitist to say otherwise can go to Barstow as far as I'm concerned.
Re: Father’s Day by Dovina	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/11:55 AM
Subsequent reads turned up more posibilities than I had noticed at first.
Re: a comment on The Object of the Game by Dovina	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/11:44 AM
Nice piñata, abuelita. I think the ending works well. As long as it's about him, that's the most evocative ending you're likely to find while dealing concretely with the issue. It's an important approach and you improved on your excellent effort from before, earning well the 10 I promised. I'd also be curious about how you would approach this issue from a more abstract viewpoint. It's true that a man would think women are shallow if he never was available for intimacy, himself, but how would you illustrate it? I especially like the title. "Game" has potential to evoke a whole spectrum of emotions, depending on the experience and training one has in relationships. It is apparent here that the primary meaning is that of a competition and protecting his 'treasure' is what the subject sees as the goal. That being so, attempts to explain that the game differs from his expectations fall on deaf ears.
Re: The Object of the Game by Dovina	darby pyn 207.200.116.130	28-Jun-05/11:33 AM
well done. this was very good. 8
Re: a comment on RAGGED TIME MELODY by Joshua_Tree	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/11:08 AM
This is about a love song written for a previous lover that a man on the rebound is trying to pass off as being written for his new love. What follows from this 'white' lie is a string of awkward justifications that finally lead him to something approaching a real revelation about his emotions. Even though he never is truly candid about the song, some truth comes out of it. It's a rebound relationship, so it probably won't last anyway, but the experience highlights some things with which he need to deal before he is ready to consider a more serious relationship. Dirty laundry laying about should be an obvious image; I am hoping that clues the reader into the fact that the open window and door are more than they appear.
Re: a comment on WHAT KIND OF FOOL ARE YOU? by Joshua_Tree	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/10:46 AM
Verse 4, line 2 points back to the three types of fool in vv. 1-3. Now that you point out the weakness, I think it needs to be a little longer and mush more obvious. Verse 1, line 4 lost its time indicator in an edit that I should have reverted. There are plenty of empty words in that line that can be bumped for the needed clarity. Your comments are considered and insightful. Such feedback is the reason that I tolerate certain others.
Re: fireflies die too by hendrimike	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:42 AM
I like the flow and feel of this, but it has glitches and cliches, like "jubilent joy" and "what the world learned."
Re: The blue rose by Mona Lisa	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:33 AM
Perhaps a prose poem, but not even that. It's a short story, and not a bad one.
Re: RAGGED TIME MELODY by Joshua_Tree	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:22 AM
A song with bad words, tune, and beat is a bad song. Let's hope you're singing a good song about a bad song.
Re: WHAT KIND OF FOOL ARE YOU? by Joshua_Tree	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:17 AM
Provoking, and therefore good. I think the fools in Verse 3 are most to be pitied. The last line of verse 1 seems like it should say something like "Then finding . . ." Verse 4, line 2 seems wrong or unnecessary.
Re: a comment on The Object of the Game by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:08 AM
Thanks, Joshua, that’s good criticism. I’ve tried, in the edit, to make the ending stronger.
Re: a comment on The Object of the Game by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:08 AM
Agreed. See edit.
Re: a comment on The Object of the Game by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.185	28-Jun-05/10:08 AM
I agree on overuse of “hurt.” See edit.
Re: wasn't ready by hendrimike	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/9:20 AM
The transition from your metaphor to its application is always going to be difficult. One way around that is to put the situation in the title and stick with the metaphor throughout the poem.
Re: The Object of the Game by Dovina	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/7:47 AM
Somehow collective pain never has the psychological impact of individual pain. Poetry can address this in two ways. It can throw bare a single example in the midst of the chaos of pain or it lay the pain on in unstopping layers like some abuelita unwittingly building a bullet resistant pinata. You score for having something to say, for saying it well and for not being self centered in you communication. You just need to conciously decide on an approach and work it in order to get a 10.
Re: a comment on A Message from my Dreams by Joshua_Tree	Joshua_Tree 68.230.105.101	28-Jun-05/7:32 AM
That's fair enough. This poem will stay posted, but it's going back into my work pile. I thank everyone for their comments.