zodiac
on The Object of the Game by Dovina
30 Jun 2005, 3:09 AM
First and second lines make it sound like the women are the ones hurting, not the man. You can say, "of implies ownership, his hurt simply BELONGS to the women." Whatever. If at some level you're taking this comment seriously then, no, the missing punctuation would not fix it.
Lines two and three make it sound like either the shallow lovers are hurting or the women somehow wronged him of shallow lovers, neither of which is what you mean. You can say, ibid. My answer: ibid.
Second stanza continues the other-people-wounded-not-him. And why do you talk like such an android in your poetry? I expect you at any moment to say, haltingly, "Is this...the thing... that... humans call... love...?"
Yes, I understand all that. I've known that from the beginning. I still think the wording's rotten in parts. More rotten than actual prayer, even.
I know, I know. I've been trying to say, MOST people see "core" as meaning something like what I'm saying (that is, an unchangeable, essential part of something.) There's not "many interpretations" except yours and everybody else's. I'm not trying to be offensive, and I can totally understand your point that "core" used loosely CAN be defined a number of ways.
As far as "saying offensive untrue things" goes, your comment of 24-Jun makes it sound like you (to some extent) mean "core" to mean unchangeable and essential - and, by extension, to suggest the old man is bitter and critical to his core - in order to encourage people to dispute it. In other words, it sounds like you're at some level deliberately claiming old people are unchangeably selfish and bitter, which you know to be untrue and offensive to old people and people who like old people. So it's not such a long way.
I am not aware of twisting anyone's words in this comment, seriously.
Don't take this one too seriously. Just trying to make fun haiku.
you have a lot of words in your mind. I think you may not lack intellect. I am not a good poet, but I do something with all of my poems that i think you should do: Think about each line and what it's saying.
"inoculate the soars with rhetorical cement"
inoculate (make immune through the introduction of a micro-organism or virus in a cultured medium)
"make immune the sores with rhetorical cement"
so, the disease you are trying to prevent is rhetorical cement?
okay, rhetorical means what? Something said to produce an effect rather than a response. so rhetorical cement is what? cement that is cemented to produce an effect rather than a response?
I am not good enough to try rhyming anything. I don't have a strong enough vocabulary to reach for rhyme AND rhythm...and I've been reading and writing for a long time.
okay - I haveta make an ammendment.
The start "It amazes me..." might be improved apon. YES I KNOW, I've done and do from time to time a similar thing - but I try.
The thing is that you want the poem to convey the amazement - why broadcast it. What if you just killed the first 3 words??
Then remove "Still keeping" - it is... unenglish.
But I like the piece very much.
I check in from time to time. I don't have too much new to say these days, so I don't say it.
Glad to see you are still writing!
Have you ever seen the magazine "Writer's Journal"?
Iâm no psychologist, but it seems he wants his sorrow over happiness, and acts to produce more sorrow.
Thanks for the comments: Iâll certainly give it thought. And welcome back. I know you were never gone, leaving glimpses of yourself here and there, like a ghost watching over us. Itâs good to see you in full frontal poeticy.
First stanza is the lovely part (partly for the subtle rhyme of "him" and "morning") - I'd pull the two "of"s though and probably the "and".
The rest is another perspective, another voice that dilutes the first taste. Smacks of triteness.
Put the first stanza in your "unfinished" folder and wait for the full inspiration.
I'm not posting anything here that I've written more recently than 3 years ago, so if someone thinks that I'm still that vulnerable, they're probably wrong.
All snarky comments will be deleted. This is my "B" material. If I receive some constructive criticism that helps me turn it into good poetry then I'm happy with it. I'll not cast any pearls before rockmage.
Unfortunately not an 8, you lose me with the last line...cannot imagine that his treasure stands for masochistic need. Surely it can't be that simple?
There's a good ring to it, especially the first stanza.
I'm not suggesting another word. Desecration is good. It's just that it needs to be either "desecrations abound" or "desecration abounds."
Iâm all ablush! What you ask seems much harder, but Iâll think on it.
Sorry, I wasn't clear at all. You did a great job of understanding the situation and an admirable job of expressing it. It's like a photograph - crisp and clear with the capabilities and limitations of that medium - and very good as an artistic photograph. End of discussion on this poem.
What I think you could do superbly in a different poem is paint a picture of a moment or an almalgamation of the scenes that led to your conclusions. For example, are there items, odors, bits of dialog that illustrate his wallowing in hurt? That, too, would make a superb poem.