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A Message from my Dreams (Sonnet) by Joshua_Tree I heard a plaintive message from my dreams,
That they were lonely missing me, it seems.
"Where have you been our friend, our one time friend."
I felt a touch from one I knew as love,
Who had at last been sent from God above
To speak a new beginning from the end.
I have a blessed vision from my muse,
She directs me put away my blues -
To paint the sun with dots of shining gold.
I smell the sweet incense of romance burn
And taste a wine so sweet I cannot turn.
My troubled heart again to be made bold.
A lover I have neither seen nor heard,
My heart yet hangs on her every word.
Up the ladder:
The Corner Tavern
Down the ladder:
Steal my heart
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.285714
Posted: June 18, 2005 9:35 PM PDT; Last modified: June 18, 2005 9:35 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.345782 Overall Rank: 3432 Comments:
Not enough variation to avoid rhyming "love" and "above". You might be tempted to ask, What's wrong with that?
This is: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
The frustrating thing about rhyming is that a lot of interesting and beautiful words cannot be used at the end of a line because they simply have no onomatopoeiac (?) equivalent. Unless you pull the alliteration trick (sort of fake rhyming). All you can do is stash those words away by changing the sentence structure. Which often results in a struggle with the conjugation of the verb. I think that's the reason why so many writers yield to prose-poetry. They also think that the contents, their story, offers all the poetry a reader needs. Ha!
You object to rhyming cliché's like Moon/June, but I'd rather see those lollipop words halfway through a line than lines full of so-called literary words that grate in sound. Matter of taste? I'm not so sure.
Lollipop, lollipop. Oh, lolly, lollipop. Lollipop!
I agree that triteness and cliché are generally to be avoided, but I don't think that it has to spoil a particular work. The main things are to avoid obvious work arounds and to avoid hingeing the development of the poem on the afflicted lines. In this case, the offending couplet originated later in the development of the poem, but I moved it closer to the begining in order to de-emphasize it.
See my list below.
Also, there's no reason to think using complicated rhymes necessarily means nonsequitors and work-arounds. I once rhymed "Mariachi", "lot - She", "crotchy" and "watching" so seamlessly that no one TO THIS DAY has realized it's a rhyming poem.
"Necessarily"? No. More often than not? Yes. One alternative as you mentioned, is the pseudo-rhyme, which I'd gladly accept in free verse, but which I reject for a sonnet.
Again, I agree that love and above are white trash rhymes, pimple poetry, whatever, I am just suffering from one of the effects of bi-polar disorder... It's absolutely true, but it doesn't apply to my situation. Put that way, I see that I may have given up too easily back when I decided to calll that poem complete. I'm ready to see if I can't find love in the bodice of the goddess.
Yes, more often that not, surely. You end up throwing a lot of poems (or rhymes) away, but what you end up keeping is worth it. At least, as far as poetry in general is worth it.
Don't reject half-rhyme. Most sonnet-writers today (and there are more, and better, than you think) are writing half-rhymes. For my money, the best half-rhyme I've read recently is Pinsky's Inferno. Which is also half-pentameter, and sounds just like real Italian terza rima. Nevertheless, except for "watching" the words above are one-hundred-percent rhymes. The poem itself (partly half-rhymed, I admit,) is here: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j I just read a pretty well-received contemporary (ie, published last year) poem with love/above rhymed. It's not impossible, but I'd say if you stick with well-known rhymes, you're almost sure to write the same poems as everybody else's. If you start out with, say, "bipolar" at the end of a line and can make it work, you've got a chance at doing something that hasn't been done yet.
I disagree. For one thing:
frustrating <=> bust rating rhyming <=> hymen interesting <=> Pinter wresting beautiful <=> cuticle cannot <=> planet/Janet simply <=> dimply onomatopoetic <=> emetic/a mulatto aesthetic equivalent <=> ambivalent
This is crazy. Building a poem around a few nonsensicals just because they rhyme?
No. It's much more difficult than that. And much less rewarding. Sigh...
But it can also lead to some really awesome and interesting rhymes if given enough rein.
5and 11 are the pimpleyest. If you can fix those it's kosher with me.
That's fair enough. This poem will stay posted, but it's going back into my work pile. I thank everyone for their comments.
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I think that I need a different 3 syllables before 'word' to make the reader feel more comfortable putting the stress on 'her.' If you read it in iambic, it make the emphasis that I wanted when I was in the middle of the TABS (Teenage Angst...), but I shouldn't have to rely on the reader to force the rhythm for me.