| Re: Slaves and their Serpents by cyan9 |
some deleted user 204.97.18.183 |
22-Dec-05/4:32 AM |
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Your good use of simile and metaphor (something that's lacking in alot of stuff on this site)cannot be understated in this poem. I've only been here a short while, and from my point of view this is the best I've seen from you so far. Great work.
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| Re: When god manifested by Crakyamuni |
cyan9 217.40.63.105 |
22-Dec-05/4:30 AM |
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Would have voted 10 if it were not for the line "the words haunt the logic in my core", the words logic and core break from the rest of the poem a bit too much. If I am going to knitpick, the first few lines sem to meander nowhere, making a less enticing start to an excellent poem.
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| Re: Small-town Postal Clerk Considers Inspiration by zodiac |
cyan9 217.40.63.105 |
22-Dec-05/4:20 AM |
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My favourite out of yours so far
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| Re: Heaven Help Me by cyan9 |
some deleted user 204.97.18.183 |
22-Dec-05/4:12 AM |
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I agree that this is a prose poem and I would combine the stanzas into one paragraph--that's just my preference. Good work overall. Thanks for sharing.
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| Re: Blackout, Amman, November, 2005 by zodiac |
cyan9 217.40.63.105 |
22-Dec-05/4:09 AM |
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| Re: Never Let Go Again by TLRufener |
cyan9 217.40.63.105 |
22-Dec-05/3:59 AM |
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Oh the drama of it all, how will I ever go on living without you? well, Frankly my dear, I dont give a damn.
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| Re: a comment on Temptation by PoeticXTC |
Dovina 209.247.222.87 |
21-Dec-05/1:35 PM |
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A semicolon separates clauses. I suggest a dash in, "He speaks the reconizable - my soul."
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| Re: a comment on Privacy Compromised by Dovina |
Dovina 209.247.222.87 |
21-Dec-05/1:32 PM |
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If the meaning is simple, shouldn't the words be too?
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| Re: a comment on Privacy Compromised by Dovina |
Dovina 209.247.222.87 |
21-Dec-05/1:31 PM |
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They look at my dispelling of dogma, and read into it a faith that they say I have, but deny.
The "slipped hints of me" escape the rein of objectivity with which I try to restrain them.
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| Re: a comment on Privacy Compromised by Dovina |
Dovina 209.247.222.87 |
21-Dec-05/1:27 PM |
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Since the poem is not perfect (cabbage is misspelled) on what basis did you vote 10?
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| Re: a comment on It's Time by PoeticXTC |
zodiac 69.132.67.140 |
21-Dec-05/1:00 PM |
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Hooey. Have you any basis at all for thinking time is infinite, or people (in any of a dozen senses of the word) are not? Hooey.
PS-It's not time what makes us.
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| Re: a comment on Pandora's Box by PoeticXTC |
PoeticXTC 137.139.192.89 |
21-Dec-05/12:53 PM |
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Thank You, Cyan9. I purposely did that so that the end could be strong and the reader could feel a change in power. I didn't want the middle stanzas to be too strong so that it overwhelmed the end feeling I am trying to get out of the readers.
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| Re: a comment on It's Time by PoeticXTC |
PoeticXTC 137.139.192.56 |
21-Dec-05/10:08 AM |
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Yes TIME is infinite
but WE are not.
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| Re: Privacy Compromised by Dovina |
zodiac 69.132.67.140 |
21-Dec-05/8:46 AM |
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| Re: Unbroken Horses by Caducus |
crazyknight 202.56.231.116 |
21-Dec-05/7:11 AM |
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never forget the salt in life for its what gives the taste to the adventure.
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| Re: It's Time by PoeticXTC |
crazyknight 202.56.231.116 |
21-Dec-05/7:05 AM |
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Its time u realise,
time is not important.
For the finite, it doesn't really matter,
for it really makes no difference.
For the infinite, it doesn't really matter,
for its there and there..........
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| Re: Privacy Compromised by Dovina |
crazyknight 202.56.231.116 |
21-Dec-05/6:57 AM |
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simple meaning,
deep words
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| Re: a comment on Unbroken Horses by Caducus |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
21-Dec-05/5:06 AM |
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I'm not justifying him. I'm just saying most people don't have one dimensional personalities. There's been many a drunk driver who was considered a decent upstanding citizen. My grandfather was in many ways like this guy but there was also things about him you could love.
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| Re: a comment on Heaven Help Me by cyan9 |
cyan9 217.40.63.105 |
21-Dec-05/3:43 AM |
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It would be bit of a twisted way of looking at it, even if the description were complete enougth to give abother person the full picture. I think the last verse will need to be rewritten to make the assistance much clearer for it to have the desired effect.
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| Re: Pandora's Box by PoeticXTC |
cyan9 217.40.63.105 |
21-Dec-05/3:35 AM |
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1st verse is very good, conveys the anger/power well. 2nd verse fades off a bit and is less coherent.
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