Re: Goodbye by aamir_trichy	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	25-Feb-06/6:52 AM
This was done in only an hour?!! Tremendous.
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	25-Feb-06/6:42 AM
No matter how beautiful your writing is (and this is some of the best formal verse I've read) if you write something this long you need to change things up a little, break the monotony. I would break up the man's speach into parts and between the parts a stanza of descriptive narrative like he then paused to go take a nap or something. Break it off into lessons(lesson 1, lesson 2 etc.). At least that way if the reader wanted to take a break they could leave when the man goes to take his nap and come back feeling like they don't have to go back over the last couple stanzas to find their place. The same way a story should have different scenes, the same way a good writer might stop part way through a long scene to go to another one and then holding your suspense conclude the former scene, that's how you should hold the reader to your poem. I think it's probably one of the hardest things to do in poetry but I think it'll be easier for someone as talented as you than it would be for most of us.
Re: a comment on My cousin by Bobjim	Bobjim 84.9.161.48	25-Feb-06/5:35 AM
I know. Good isn't it. :)
Re: a comment on Pillosophy by Bobjim	Bobjim 84.9.161.48	25-Feb-06/5:34 AM
It is deliberately obscure to inspire the use of philosophical reasoning to determine the precise meaning. Duh
Re: a comment on A smile by Bobjim	Bobjim 84.9.161.48	25-Feb-06/5:31 AM
Given some of my other stuff, what makes you think it tries to be poetry?
Re: a comment on Ode to necrophilia by Bobjim	Bobjim 84.9.161.48	25-Feb-06/5:30 AM
Why thank you. That's just what I was aiming for.
Re: a comment on Goodbye by aamir_trichy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Feb-06/5:01 AM
If you want people to leave comments on your work, you have to give some first. Trust me. Okay, grammar first - "Don't". Also, line 2 'aren't'. Line 3 - I assume you mean 'hearts'. Line 10 'lose' and 'It's'. Line 12 'straight'. As well as that, don't capitalise after commas (unless of course it's 'I' etc.) You might think this is unnecessary nitpicking, but believe me when I say that a well-written and grammatically correct piece is far more enjoyable to read. Even running a poem through the spellcheck on Word will pick up some errors. Okay, on general points: this is a nice enough piece, pleasant enough - but it doesn't give a huge amount to the reader. It's difficult to write a consolatory poem that will affect the reader, particularly if the reader doesn't need consoling. That doesn't mean you shouldn't write like this, but keep practising until you can really elicit emotion. Most of the people here will be more than willing to give you advice on your writing - provided you reciprocate (even if it's just to say that you liked their poems). My recommendation is that you practise imagery - descriptive writing, and finding original ways of describing certain things. It will open your imagination more, particularly when you start incorporating metaphor into your poems. Keep going, good luck with your writing.
Re: Spruce Bruce the Barnacle Goose Learns About Moulting by Blue Magpie	Ranger 62.252.32.15	25-Feb-06/4:46 AM
Yes, amusing in its own way. Stanza 4 line 2 doesn't make sense - I think you want to change it to something like 'Do you want folk to think you're a dunce?' There are a couple of other typos in here, but I'd be pretty pedantic to go through listing them. Enjoyable.
Re: last night was like the last one by hendrimike	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.50	25-Feb-06/3:47 AM
The first stanza made so little sense it put me off reading the rest of the poem, also, why the lack of punctuation, it just seems plain lazy to me.
Re: Rambling by terbenaw	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.50	25-Feb-06/3:44 AM
There are many sentences/lines here that could easikly be better for example why I feel not bold right now; and not I don't feel bold right now; which is grammatically more correct and flows better. Still it was not a bad read.
Re: a waste of time by hendrimike	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.50	25-Feb-06/3:32 AM
More of what's already been written, plus my personnal beef against the laziness. If you want an education I would start with punctuation, its very usefuly and makes a reader less likely to feel insulted.
Re: a comment on Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.50	25-Feb-06/3:21 AM
Dear Ecargo, Thanks for the comments. Yes I have read Shelley's great sonnet, which as you probably know was written as a challange, with either Hunt of maybe Southey I misremember which but Hunt I think, to write a sonnet inspired by some archeological ruins they had seen on display in London, and it is not really about meeting a traveller. Neither is my poem, which sets out not just to make a statement, but to argue the case, I have merely made the point in other poems, however given the state of the world I wanted to put the point a little more undeniably. On a different note I wasn't aware of the MP parody, quite funny.
Re: a comment on Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.50	25-Feb-06/3:15 AM
Dear Amanda, No problem, I hope your mind is getting well refreshed, I recommend regualr doses of freshly squeezed orange juice.
Re: a comment on Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.50	25-Feb-06/3:10 AM
Dear Terbenaw, Thanks for taking the time to read the poem, and thanks for liking it. For the rest, you are right but see my reply to Ranger.
Re: a comment on Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.50	25-Feb-06/3:08 AM
Dear Ranger, Thanks for taking the time to read the poem, yes it is longer than many, but have you read Esther Ransom's "The Conciousness of Earth" it gives you a new dimension to the concept of a long poem. It is however in blank verse and not rhymed iambic (mostly) pentametre, so you are correct, the rhyme scheme did constrain what I could say. For example the point about a system's increasing inner complexity giving rise automatically, after a certain level of complexity, to hierarchical, self-regulatory structures is poorly made because of the need for polysyballic words, or just too many words. However, as is so often the case in poetry, once I sat down and decided to try actually making the case for the planet as a single living entity in some real rather than theoretical consideration, with all that that brings into focus, such as humanity, well western european humanity and its diaspora, being mostly cancerous cells and the inevitability of the system attempting, in an unconcious way, to maintain its own inner health, the structure of the poem evolved on its own. I had expected to produce a more varied rhyme scheme, this was very hard to work with.
Re: Gaia and Man by Blue Magpie	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	25-Feb-06/3:05 AM
Too long for me at the moment.... will have to come back for it in a fresher frame of mind.
Re: Ode to necrophilia by Bobjim	terbenaw 71.138.184.201	25-Feb-06/1:24 AM
Are you trying to make the worst poem I've read? If so, you've succeeded. Besides the fact that the poem is sickening in its message, its design is shaky and crappy... I think I'm gonna go puke now.
Re: My cousin by Bobjim	terbenaw 71.138.184.201	25-Feb-06/1:20 AM
This is friggin sick!!!
Re: Pillosophy by Bobjim	terbenaw 71.138.184.201	25-Feb-06/1:20 AM
A bit obscure don't you think? It might help if you elaborate a bit on what you mean. Also... can't a person support oneself with both pills and philosophy?
Re: a comment on Rambling by terbenaw	terbenaw 71.138.184.201	25-Feb-06/1:13 AM
Not sure what that mean exactly, but I think I'll leave the end rhymes as is...