Re: Epistemology (2nd draft) by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/8:34 AM
Favorite lines and/or good rythm: Romancing time for peace of mind before his deadly fall to him so fast It crashed and got itself buried in the distant past He clears his mind and considers this Despite the vicious lure of the coffin's hole Rene Descartes fled with his immortal soul Sadly for him, his arrogance showed through He would not run from the State(,) so he paid his due In the bitter cell from which he would not flee The ghost of Christmas Nevermore popped round/ for a cup of hemlock tea It's much too much, it's far too far, Pretence gave up and screamed Take a side, consider well, you can't sit on the fence Because there(')s no(t) such a thing as normal common sense The choice is yours to face the truth/ here within your head But do you at all believe/ a single word I said?
Re: Meltdown by longships	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Mar-06/8:22 AM
Don't let the rhymes drive the poem (send iron and steel to boil is a good example--awkward and wordy, just because you wrote to the rhyme). Watch for over-familiar terms like "wreak havoc"--generally, if use a term you later realize you've read elsewhere a gazillion times , change it. How does something flow "gracelessly"? Good topic, but could use more moodiness.
Re: Spring Rolls by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/8:21 AM
'of sunshine and rain Containing a multitude of colours Strands of flowers' That's good. To savour the spicy aftertaste Of summer And, that's good.
Re: a comment on Beauty, sleeping by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.138	3-Mar-06/8:12 AM
Oh! Call me clueless...sheesh...okay...this IS the 'other one' the previous one, and the other is more recent. To be honest, I like the (this) more condensed version...or at least the attempt to condense it, shown here. God'swife had good advice for you, back then...hold onto it, and reread as time moves on. Rythm and flow are still things you work on. I can see from your other stuff that you are finding your expression, your voice, and your language just fine! I see alot of growth, in how you express yourself now.
Re: a comment on Beauty, sleeping by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.138	3-Mar-06/8:05 AM
Ranger, god'swife said this, and I so agree; absolutely! "The precious thing that can't be taught I see here, in this poem." Oh, I just realized...this was from 2003?! Well, see...she was right! And...it STILL applies today...In your more recent work I see genius and intellegence, risk-taking and unique angles...an internal dialog that is rich and growing. You will become a better writer than I will ever hope to be...I would love to see what you write when you are 30 and 40...sheesh...God help the rest of us!
Re: Beauty, sleeping by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/7:55 AM
This is much more pulled together than the other one! (good editing! Hard to do, sometimes!) It is still alittle awkward right there...needs a smoother transition...maybe something like>? So I left her to stamp and hurl lettuces And the fairies danced To cast a spell at me I dodged and she slept for a hundred years
Re: a comment on Under the Spoon by MacFrantic	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.138	3-Mar-06/7:49 AM
Oh, and wouldn't that be genius!! what with the ego and macabre joy they get from cutting...that would nail it! LOL!
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.138	3-Mar-06/7:44 AM
(Freuds note to self...) Atlas...celebration and admiration of body, liberated, enlightened. a burden lifted...why is his telescope a burden...oh...lit and aflame....wide eyed squint...(chuckle) Is it arranging the diamond drops into a band, or placing the diamond (the precious jewel)into the band? hmmm...ruby glitter to the right... blood...glitters...>desirable...? wants virgin sign to say she is right, it is right. Blood is life, her life or his? Depends...
Re: a comment on A Failed Proposition Under The Night Sky by Ranger	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.138	3-Mar-06/7:27 AM
Could the... flowing turn of white Seem by dawn to him avail? Kneeling, no A cock(erel) early risen, tense the astronomer with his telescope, rosehip and all...hmmm....I seeee....
Re: Wet Paint (A Blond Point of View) by Miggy	LilMsLadyPoet 205.188.116.134	3-Mar-06/6:40 AM
some grammar problems: 'mistakes in the past was' (were) I'm not so sure that I would care for this, in song format.
Re: a comment on There by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	3-Mar-06/6:11 AM
I would give your comment more thought but if I did blood would shoot out my nose.
Re: Wondering by Bobjim	Blue Magpie 212.205.251.7	2-Mar-06/11:25 PM
Makes you wonder doesn't it.
Re: a comment on =, <>, & . . . by Dovina	zodiac 209.193.18.70	2-Mar-06/4:48 PM
Don't be silly.
Re: a comment on =, <>, & . . . by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	2-Mar-06/4:48 PM
That depends only upon who gave the most to my campaign fund or who would make me look better. I am an elected leader, else I would not be making the choice.
Re: a comment on =, <>, & . . . by Dovina	zodiac 209.193.18.70	2-Mar-06/4:33 PM
And for the second part? C or D?
Re: isomers by skaskowski	Dovina 69.175.32.104	2-Mar-06/3:59 PM
The last verse is a heart-felt prayer of metaphoric rockheadedness, offered in contrition and deep appreciation for a Creator of stones and brains in parallel. The others commenting here should be ashamed of themselves for missing it.
Re: a comment on =, <>, & . . . by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	2-Mar-06/3:50 PM
1A because with only me and 199 of my friends left in the US, admit it, the country would be a lot better off.
Re: a comment on There by Dovina	Dovina 69.175.32.104	2-Mar-06/3:46 PM
After you've made it there, made it to hell, and retrieved the woody, take a good hard look at your life and ask yourself if maybe there was another prayer you would rather have God answer than, "God I'm going to hell for that one."
Re: Under the Spoon by MacFrantic	Dovina 69.175.32.104	2-Mar-06/3:37 PM
I like it, except for the Alligator. It's light, humorous, and humerus. (Hey, you can have that free.) Smooth up the flow a bit and go.
Re: Together They Fell (Prose) by Fayt	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Mar-06/11:46 AM
Ah dear, I am trying to write something but can't get even a single line on the page. Therefore I shall return to this as I promised. You might want to put an introductory line before the diary entry; when I read it I thought at first that you were 'being philosophical' by defining the central theme of the story; sometimes that trick works, but it didn't do it for me in this (and then I realised that it was a diary entry). Stylistically, you would do well to think how you're structuring each section. For a long time you create passages which are simple 'She did this, then she did this, then she did this...' with a little descriptive elaboration thrown in. It would read better if you were to change the sentence layout and give more description. For instance, 'The sun was shining as 'X' stood up. He blinked and turned around' is more interesting than ''X' stood up, then he turned round'. This also means that you don't start each sentence with 'she' or 'he'. It's quite tricky to explain what I mean, if you want I can send you an example sometime to better illustrate my point. Throw in some metaphor along the way, too. You don't have to make it directly relevant to the actions of the people - you can merely include extra things, such as something they pass in the street, which has symbolic relevance. Simile is another good technique to get used to. In this story you should liken the bridge to something - don't just tell me what it is, tell me what it looks like, what the traffic sounds like etc. etc. etc. I've already mentioned about the phone conversation; dialogue is tricky to master, particularly telephone dialogue which limits the amount of body language you can talk about. If you do decide to keep this, my suggestion is that you add embellishment to it. For instance rather than saying simply '"xxxxx" "xxxxx" "xxxx"', say '"xxxx," he cried..."xxxxxx," he said, sullenly...he exclaimed "xxxx!"', and so on. You get the picture. I'll wrap it up here for now - with prose it makes more sense to edit a little at a time and note the improvements; not only that but if Internet Exploder screws up and loses this comment I'm going to scream! Anyway, keep going with this. It might sound like I'm suggesting you get rid of half the content, but it's not like that at all, there is plenty here that I'd keep, and more still that I'd keep, but with a little editing. Till next time!