Re: Portrait Paradelle by Enkidu	Niphredil 85.130.147.248	1-May-06/2:48 PM
How lovely! And how hard it must have been to write. This is the first paradelle I've read. I'm glad it was a good one. I agree about the 3rd line from the end, though. 'light what grows' is awkward, so I made a valiant effort to find an alternative. It was a bitch. I came up with, 'Of each dueling spark in light, I make hearts ‘round bleeding paint, Deliver what the angst hath built.' It might fit, because in the original, the light grows. Here, it sparks into light. However, this is purely your decision. Have I said what a terrific piece this is already?
Re: slice of moonlight by lmp	Niphredil 85.130.147.248	1-May-06/2:38 PM
I enjoyed this as it was a very pleasant, innocent, and naturally rhymed piece. I think your boy would love you reading this to him! I know I would. Suggestions: 'your virtue i pray is never harmed.' - the meter is slightly off. Try something like 'I pray that you be never harmed', or another idea, 'Let silence softly wrap you warm'. it ain't perfect, but play with it :-)
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	Niphredil 85.130.147.248	1-May-06/2:29 PM
First read: I read the comments concerning therapists and patients, but I never associated the poem with either; they're far too mundane. This poem is a dream; and I read it just as though I were waking up, trying to piece together bits and pieces of an idea which was blindingly clear just the instant before I awoke. All I can recall at this moment are scattered pictures; flickering memories; a swoop in the distance. And she left me. Second read: I can see the dream interpretation theme in the first verse, particularly in the first line of every stanza. It would seem as though the first line describes a reality, and the following lines the dream. They could, in fact, be read separately and still make sense. I did however enjoy the puns, although I seriously doubt I figured them all out, though. And of course, your trademark ;-) Solid 10 for a indecently beautiful piece of work. I love a poem that makes me think. But beware of loading your stuff down with too many underlying meanings; you might be too subtle for the rest of us. :-)
Re: Before Departing by italenrico	pollywolly 80.192.49.144	1-May-06/1:44 PM
i found this quite a sentimental piece and must admit i rather liked the "tucking you in like a child" line as this portrays the innocence that love can be. great descriptive work
Re: a comment on Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Dovina 17.255.240.138	1-May-06/12:12 PM
Good edit. "Spit upon the life of all" seems too strong. "All" is too all-inclusive.
Re: Upon a Visit to My Lonesome Father by mtk0630	Dovina 17.255.240.138	1-May-06/12:06 PM
I imagine it sung to viola drone in a minor key. A fine song for lonely drunk. The key line: "I reject the nature of this life, his gift, and so, reject mortality." That line could turn the whole song into something positive, depending on the music.
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	Dovina 17.255.240.138	1-May-06/11:55 AM
I see the painting's description, but don't get what you are saying. Goelogic fog? Are they really denying the fog, or ignoring it?
Re: Dying Rooms by longships	Dovina 17.255.240.138	1-May-06/11:51 AM
I know this happens. We seldom hear about it. I know a woman from Taiwan who escaped from such torture and is now in the US. She is the exception. I don't how you can improve this poem. When a situation is this bad, all you can do is tell it like it is. The word "love" is jarring, because it is not really love; I would use another word.
Re: slice of moonlight by lmp	some deleted user 64.140.228.215	1-May-06/2:45 AM
I'm not familiar with this form, but I like rhyme scheme and I love the rhythm.
Re: Adrian isn't just a girl from 'Rocky' by D. $ Fontera	some deleted user 64.140.228.215	1-May-06/2:34 AM
If you replaced the "ands" in lines two and three with something more concrete this would be better. A good effort though.
Re: Portrait Paradelle by Enkidu	some deleted user 64.140.228.215	1-May-06/2:19 AM
I have neither the patiance or talent to even attempt to try and write in this form. Kudos to one who can.
Re: a comment on Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Wakeboarder20 71.227.248.140	1-May-06/12:39 AM
Ok, change made. Any comment on the new word would be great. I think using 'holy' really fits in with the theme I'm using.
Re: a comment on Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Wakeboarder20 71.227.248.140	30-Apr-06/11:43 PM
Well thank you Paul, I appreciate that.
Re: a comment on Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Wakeboarder20 71.227.248.140	30-Apr-06/11:42 PM
Thank you for the compliments. I too don't like "misplaced" and am trying to think of a good word to replace it. I will very soon. I wanted to try to switch the places of the negative and the positive in lines 6 and 7. No real poetic reasoning. Just for the sake of doing something different to keep the poem interesting.
Re: a comment on Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Wakeboarder20 71.227.248.140	30-Apr-06/11:39 PM
Well thank you very much.
Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	some deleted user 64.140.228.130	30-Apr-06/6:51 PM
This is an excellent poem. tight, and to the point. I also like the juxtaposition of lines 6 and 7. good work.
Re: Remnants of a Lost Friday by italenrico	some deleted user 64.140.228.130	30-Apr-06/6:25 PM
This is good. From my perspective it paints a very real picture of hopelessness brought on by addiction to drugs. The second stanza is excellent, the strongest of the three.
Re: Before Departing by italenrico	Dovina 12.72.37.18	30-Apr-06/11:40 AM
Good. A sentiment well expressed. But how do you know the fevered sleep is far gone?
Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Dovina 12.72.37.18	30-Apr-06/11:36 AM
A good title - gets us right intoi it. I don't like "misplaced" - too didactic. "A judge with a saint’s reputation" seems to conflict with "An angel with a life full of sin." A good rant.
Re: Before Departing by italenrico	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Apr-06/3:17 AM
I like this. It creates an almost-complete portrait yet left me wondering whether you'd return or not. That uncertainty works perfectly in here to conjure up both an image of happiness and tragedy. I'm inclined to go with the latter mainly due to 'the child I'll never have'. That line, to me, is the most important in the poem. I have to admit that I didn't like 'tucking you in'; it felt a little un-arty in comparison with the rest, and is a very cliched phrase. That is the only thing I'd change though.