Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Dovina 12.72.43.100	2-May-06/7:15 PM
I don’t want to be motherly or take you under a wing as a mate of God might, and I know this seems overbearing, but here we go: A riverborn reflection, Winter jaded, white on green, Once a laden oak, Now, statuesque as memory, Seemingly awake, remembering The year's last caterpillar, A copper spark - hue dash, Spinning, Uncertainly settling into his woven urn, Like a zealous acrobat rocking under shade. That spread-leaf (oaks don’t have needles) undead tree let the wind cry, Giving voice to his skin, To the caterpillar: "Why do you hang here, Away from the others in their wind-chime chatter? Do you fear the hollow resonance? You, butterfly, shall be adored in equal measure, Sustained by sap and leaf, Though I shall be cut down by those who planted me Many winters ago When water trickled. Then I drew from that well of life eternal. (cliché – change this.) Now see, I bring a symbol of violence Here on this hill in praise of the sun. Still you are silent, Named and broken. What will your wings resemble when you appear from this web? Your coat will turn, Leaping about, zesty as rays upon silver.” “The cost of transformation you will not find; Thirty tears will buy your passage. Nor will you reckon with those who dig my grave; These gardeners are warriors. Gleaming blades will strike, and they, the marchers, They will seek my crown through the crossing of thorns, For the carpenter I am, For the writer I am. From afar, I will be spied And hear their chant: 'He, a Zeus of nature! Cast him down to leave his print- Let him lie in a sealed tome Let him carry the messages of Man' On the wind I shall hang like you, caterpillar, Light among zephyr and rain until salvation." I like the Biblical image, the transformation of caterpillar as life after death, perhaps. Not sure what the dead oak tree represents – could be the Bible or old tradition now gone.
Re: a comment on A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.37.24	2-May-06/4:04 PM
Yeah, you could take it that way, but I was thinking of smut. I read your new one. It will take some digesting, and I must go now. Will get back to it. Thanks for commenting; few do anymore.
Re: a comment on A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-May-06/3:45 PM
I took that bit more metaphorically, as the unadmitted fallacies, weak points and false starts in any theory. And I'm prepared to bet that if you searched hard enough you could find a story of a philosopher who did that. Probably a Greek one. They did all the cool stuff.
Re: a comment on A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.37.24	2-May-06/3:30 PM
No decent philosopher would lie outside the village where sewage flows and garbage cans stink and abortions are hidden, conceiving tomorrow’s work.
Re: a comment on A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-May-06/3:28 PM
Just one? Damn. You could slap this label on almost any and it would work though. Now to post my new epic.
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-May-06/3:26 PM
Good description, although there's a lot of cruciform imagery in the picture which you didn't mention. Am seeing it pretty well from what you've already given though.
Re: a comment on A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.37.24	2-May-06/3:26 PM
Only a particular philosopher.
Re: A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-May-06/3:23 PM
Sounds like a dig at philosophers. In which case...very accurate, I'm sorry to say.
Re: Picture beneath the painting by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-May-06/3:20 PM
Zombies, sodomy and paintings come together to make one of the most unusual combinations I've ever conceived of...
Re: Picture beneath the painting by Caducus	Dovina 12.72.37.24	2-May-06/3:14 PM
"sodomy" stnds out as a misfit, but maybe it's there for some reason, If so, it's not given. I like Verse 2 because it's what I do each day. But it's about a painting, and like most of yours, gives not-quite-enough, not as much as I want.
Re: a comment on A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Dovina 12.72.37.24	2-May-06/3:05 PM
Thanks. I did some of this. See edit.
Re: A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Caducus 81.151.55.234	2-May-06/9:09 AM
2nd stanza good but drop the word - and - it reads better without it. I think lines 3/4 of S1 are too verbose, how about - bawling into the megaphone strong language sieved by mono insult, logic, scratching dirt over mistakes.... just have this impression that the passion in ones voice would be wrecked from a megaphone as everyone sounds the same when shouting through a m/phone
Re: colourful cavalcade by pollywolly	Dovina 12.72.42.249	1-May-06/4:24 PM
Nice description, except for the twice used "crimson."
Re: We exit a theater nonplussed. I smile. by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-May-06/3:39 PM
As with 'Guttural Responses' I am stuck for things to say...the sort of feeling you get when you're on the verge of understanding something big, and you know you are...but it's not quite there yet. As per usual your use of the language is very imaginative and inventive (I have yet to read a poem of yours which I didn't enjoy, even if I didn't understand it). I don't know if I've said this before but I find your poetry to be a vessel for the language rather than the language carrying the poetry. As such I shall give this a token vote for now, but probably return when I've had another couple of reads of this.
Re: Dying Rooms by longships	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-May-06/3:29 PM
Okay, this isn't bad but I feel it's one of those poems which needs to be done in a 'show, don't tell' kind of way. As it is you're telling, not showing for the most part. A greater effect on the reader would be achieved, I think, by instead describing what's there rather than explaining what it is (Yoda speech taking over there, sorry...)
Re: Upon a Visit to My Lonesome Father by mtk0630	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-May-06/3:20 PM
It would be unfair to try a critique of this because it's a lyric and without the music it's almost impossible to tell what the finished article is like. I will say that stanzas 7, 8 and 9 are superb and thoroughly enjoyed in their tragic glory. I'll also say that if you could iron out a couple of the somewhat cliched lines (there aren't many, 'lazy summer's day' is one though) it would be better. And I wasn't wholly enamoured of some of the word choices (the more archaic sections, for example) and sentence structures - however I fully accept that these are probably results of the form limitations and so I won't complain about them.
Re: Remnants of a Lost Friday by italenrico	Niphredil 85.130.147.248	1-May-06/3:09 PM
This is really good, especially in that it makes its point without surrendering to cliches and tear-jerking euphemisms of suffering.
Re: colourful cavalcade by pollywolly	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-May-06/3:08 PM
Beautiful picture, the rhythm of this could do with a little work. I'd try to replace the non-alliterated passages with ones which continue the alliteration. The reason being that the breaks disrupt the flow and slow it down whereas when it goes quickly I found it reminiscent of the leaves falling. Maybe 'canvas' instead of 'branches'? I'll leave the rest for others to suggest on if people agree with me.
Re: Invasion by Roisin	Niphredil 85.130.147.248	1-May-06/3:04 PM
On the contrary, I thought 'push you away for not sitting close' was extremely clear. He's speaking in contradictions. It don't get much more contradictory than that. I didn't care for 'an enemy has permeated my mind', since in this line you're stating specifically what you succeeded in hinting at - quite well, in my opinion - throughout the entire poem. That aside, I thought it was a well-built and powerful poem; and I understood and identified with it, which is one of the trademarks of a good piece of work.
Re: a comment on Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-May-06/2:52 PM
Thanks =D what you said about the first lines being more real than what follows them is spot on; same about the waking bit. Although I remembered the dream almost in its entirety, the owl was just a fragment (although the most important fragment) of a decidedly strange experience. Just got your email - I'll reply asap but am also stuck in academia (damn essays) so it may take a little while...glad you liked the story too!