Re: Benevolent Oasis by drnick	drnick 24.247.112.155	24-Apr-07/10:32 AM
I met a girl. I think I'm in love.
Re: Jealousy by Person	half.italian 76.172.249.205	24-Apr-07/1:08 AM
Haikus are not short enough.
Re: Vesuvius by Frizz	half.italian 76.172.249.205	24-Apr-07/1:07 AM
I like alot of this, but you should work out the words a bit more in places I think. These two lines broke me from the read "How Stalin was one fucked-up looney." and "We thought nuclear weaponry was fun and amazing," There's always a place for a good "fuck", but it just cheapens your poem here. There are rarely good places for "fun" or "amazing" in poetry. "acidic reality" is a bit easy too. It also doesn't come around to the punchline smoothly. Maybe another stanza before, or just flesh out the Hiromshima stanza to bring it home. I really like: "Red went with blue and white, And I desperately wanted to be Chinese,"
Re: Rap? Hip-hop? What has this thing become? by DreamerSupreme	half.italian 76.172.249.205	24-Apr-07/12:50 AM
Normally the title would turn me off from this. Maybe I'm just in the right mood, but I can see this as a song. A good mix of street and smart.
Re: Jealousy by Person	DreamerSupreme 130.65.109.104	23-Apr-07/8:47 PM
Hello Rockmage. ;)
Re: Rap? Hip-hop? What has this thing become? by DreamerSupreme	DreamerSupreme 130.65.109.104	23-Apr-07/8:38 PM
Like Nas said: Hip-Hop is dead.
Re: a comment on Ation by bwaha	bwaha 172.149.66.146	23-Apr-07/8:15 PM
Thanks for the spelling correction....eep! And mechanics is usually something I'm good at ..... I wasn't sure if it was too ....I dunno, over done or simplistic or what not as a regular free verse which is why I stuck it under lyric, but it was not originally written as such, so I actually like the fact that you called me out on this. Thanks for the comments, when I go back for an edit, I'll keep 'em in mind...
Re: a comment on Ode to Brittanyy and her Dyke Jacket. by DreamerSupreme	DreamerSupreme 130.65.109.104	23-Apr-07/8:10 PM
I know, I know... I'm a bad, bad man; what can I say?
Re: Ation by bwaha	SupremeDreamer 130.65.109.104	23-Apr-07/8:06 PM
stairs- stares. Unless there's some sort of pun intended. That aside, I think you shouldn't have tried to make this a lyric. But, there is a lot of interesting segments in this that kindles my interest, like stanza one, three, and the refrain(s). It also reminds of how I used "ation" in most of my last post.. though I hadn't contrived it.. nevermind that, I'm woolgathering. Anyway, I give it a six over-all.
Re: a comment on Ein Kampf by Sasha	SupremeDreamer 130.65.109.104	23-Apr-07/7:46 PM
But who remembers Stalin? Not the average laman. But they do remember Hitler. That and none of this has anything to do with your poem, which, with its context, the Holocaust does eclipse it.
Re: a comment on Unsung American Dream by SupremeDreamer	SupremeDreamer 130.65.109.104	23-Apr-07/7:42 PM
-Bows- :]
Re: a comment on Unsung American Dream by SupremeDreamer	SupremeDreamer 130.65.109.104	23-Apr-07/7:42 PM
Well, in retrospect, I'd like to redo the title.. then again, I'm not much good with titles. Thank you for your vote.
Re: The Death of Us by andrewjthomas	bwaha 152.163.101.19	23-Apr-07/5:15 PM
Your 4th and 5th verses are by far the strongest, specifically your 4th. They are, I feel, what make this poem worth it and what made it stand out enough to be worth commenting on. The rest strikes me as far too generic. Try to keep things at the level of imagery and specificity you had when describing those wailing Italian mothers, and you might be on to something here.
Re: Easter (edited) by thetrev	bwaha 152.163.101.19	23-Apr-07/5:09 PM
This is a type of poem, which, when done well, is extremely good, when done poorly, is absolutely awful. While I would not say this is excellent, I think you did a very good job here. I think you strike the right balance between what is said and what is left unsaid, the only thing I question, like SupremeDreamer, is your used of the word "morassed", it seems, at best, a little awkward. Each half of this (the part about your sister, and the part addressed to "you") stands well and is strong on it's own, but I think where you join the two together it is a little weak. Perhaps strengthen the connection between these two stories? Overall, I really like this, though.
Re: Unsung American Dream by SupremeDreamer	bwaha 152.163.101.19	23-Apr-07/5:04 PM
This is absolutely fantastic. It reminds me of slam poetry, it has that all-in-one-breath endless flow to it, but it is more perfect. The entire poem held my rapt attention, which is not typically true of things of this length. The only thing I have to question is the choice to not capitalize your other major words in your title, the only word in there that typically would be lower-case is "of". That is just a technical detail, though. Overall, I love this.
Re: Ein Kampf by Sasha	bwaha 152.163.101.19	23-Apr-07/4:51 PM
I am not sure what this would do to the rhythm but one suggestion I would give to you is to cut the superfluous words. You use the word and and so a lot but you do not always need them, and your poem seems more forceful, clean, and direct without them.
Re: The Corner Tavern by jessicazee	bwaha 216.162.88.130	23-Apr-07/8:11 AM
I like the way you evoke your mood in this, though I have to question your use of the word stringy, and more especially....current. A current holiday mood - what exactly does this mean? Does the fact that it is current contribute something to what you are saying? A more descriptive or evocative modifier might work better here. I can only assume that your last verse is referring to Lennon, which I think is fantastic, I absolutely love that song. And your description of a dollar as being "crispy" is quite interesting, not something I would have ever thought to use myself.
Re: Ein Kampf by Sasha	richa 81.179.247.122	23-Apr-07/12:20 AM
Mrs Sasha. I do like this, 'mankind is mere seasons' and 'the son of the slave is a tyrant' how different characters play out the same scenarios. The poem is not arbiter on a historical dispute it examines how we abuse power when it is given to us. A couple of nits. Blood is warm so not like cold communion wine. Perhaps like communion wine poured into a cold communion cup. And the last line is the worst of the poem by a mile it is so banal. 'So sit and count your blessings. They are not yours to give.' is rather peculiar because presumably there is nothing wrong with blessed people sharing their good fortune with others.
Re: Unsung American Dream by SupremeDreamer	richa 81.179.247.122	22-Apr-07/11:37 PM
friggin' aceo.
Re: a comment on Broken Clay by donmiguel1960	donmiguel1960 69.120.223.250	22-Apr-07/10:14 PM
Well thanks. Thats to most constructive responce i've had on any of my poems. you must really know your stuff. thank you very much.