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Broken Clay (Free verse) by donmiguel1960 wasted life of anguish, and demise
diminishing, groping, and endless maze
family so young, dieing, with dark eyes
living disgrace, of a tortuous blaze
unfaithful husband, of horrific reach
with sins of faith, that can never depart
brings a dieing wife to a shallow beach
unable to restore, her broken, sad heart
falling stars that never return,
they blink, then wink until their gone
a families soul as a dieing fern
they shine no more from dusk to dawn
absent is all their hope and might
drifting in life from day to day
a husband who forgot just how to fight
a beauty now lost in broken clay
Up the ladder:
it's the different kind of a poem
Down the ladder:
If she thinks if she believes
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 2.5
Posted: April 14, 2007 8:33 PM PDT; Last modified: April 14, 2007 8:33 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.8814354 Overall Rank: 9993 Comments:
[5]
Dovina @ 75.82.86.162
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16-Apr-07/7:04 PM
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Reply
There's a good sentiment here that could be a good poem. Get rid of half the commas (faith, that - for example); clean up the grammar; and get rid of excess words (now in the last line, just in the penultimate line) and fix the spelling - families, their.
[n/a]
donmiguel1960 @ 69.120.223.250
> Dovina
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22-Apr-07/10:14 PM
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Reply
Well thanks. Thats to most constructive responce i've had on any of my poems. you must really know your stuff. thank you very much.
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