Broken Clay

by donmiguel1960

Member since 2004 · Posted 14 Apr 2007 · 2 comments

wasted life of anguish, and demise diminishing, groping, and endless maze family so young, dieing, with dark eyes living disgrace, of a tortuous blaze unfaithful husband, of horrific reach with sins of faith, that can never depart brings a dieing wife to a shallow beach unable to restore, her broken, sad heart falling stars that never return, they blink, then wink until their gone a families soul as a dieing fern they shine no more from dusk to dawn absent is all their hope and might drifting in life from day to day a husband who forgot just how to fight a beauty now lost in broken clay

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2 votes so far. Yours would make 3.2 votes so far

2 comments

[5] Dovina 16-Apr-07/7:04 PM Reply

There's a good sentiment here that could be a good poem. Get rid of half the commas (faith, that - for example); clean up the grammar; and get rid of excess words (now in the last line, just in the penultimate line) and fix the spelling - families, their.

[n/a] donmiguel1960 › Dovina 22-Apr-07/10:14 PM Reply

Well thanks. Thats to most constructive responce i've had on any of my poems. you must really know your stuff. thank you very much.