Re: Take-Off by oneglove	lmp 141.154.134.3	12-Jun-07/9:32 AM
leaving Athens? :D i can answer the question: to go to Delphi, navel of the world.
Re: The Lover and The Rapist by Skamper	lmp 141.154.134.3	12-Jun-07/9:29 AM
not sure i really want to know what this is about... i kind of got use of internet for shopping, deflowering of a virgin, and those two don't seem to paint a nice picture.
Re: The Call by Skamper	lmp 141.154.134.3	12-Jun-07/9:25 AM
are you watching wheel of fortune of something? or maybe this is "the big wheel" on the price is right? dunno, it is a bit vague. a bit more power maybe in some of the action would help bring out the meaning or intensity of being forced into a decision you do not agree with. i think this has some potential.
Re: a comment on Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	12-Jun-07/9:17 AM
no ya didn't. i think ya gotta "accept" your revision for it to go into effect. not sure if that revision would really work anyway; then you'd be repeating "August" two lines away from the first instance. I actually like the S2 L2 line, so instead maybe focus on S1 L4. maybe it could be something like: "maybe late summer, but not early spring." be looking for some change, at any rate...
Re: a comment on Melancholy Tart by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.128.23	11-Jun-07/4:33 PM
Hmmm...I think there was too much of me in this write. It's meant to be more about the boy, and his focus on his own thoughts. Also I was aiming for light-hearted...lol...will definately have to work on that! Thanks for your input, all appreciated.
Re: a comment on The Call by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.128.23	11-Jun-07/4:28 PM
*shrugs* that's ok...purposely making a bad decision, when forced.
Re: leaves of clover by lmp	Skamper 202.6.128.23	11-Jun-07/4:21 PM
I like the story, and the beginning shorter stanzas, really gets the rhythm, but the longer lines are kinda awkward. The use of simple language in a story of this kind benifits (I think) from some flowery descriptions as in - gyroscopically and Apis mellifera. I can't even begin to get nect'r and wreck to rhyme. (could just be my accent) Rhyme is so damned hard to achieve without seeming forced.
Re: rear end of the storm by malpaso	Skamper 202.6.128.23	11-Jun-07/4:11 PM
Love the rain.
Re: Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina	Skamper 202.6.128.23	11-Jun-07/3:57 PM
I like this especially the last stanza, it has quite a lazy feel to it, and I found it quite a matter-of-fact read. Like I guess they take whatever comes along as part of their life.
Re: a comment on leaves of clover by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	11-Jun-07/3:44 PM
agreed on both counts. i chose that specie of honeybee because the latin literally means "honey-carrying bee". it does stick out as the rest of the poem is written in simple words; again i will try to improve upon it. the "god's power" phrase bothered me as well, seeming bit overreligious for this piece, but i really wanted to use "flowers" at the end. i'm still mulling over the options but not having much luck; everything i come up with seems too forced.
Re: The Call by Skamper	Dovina 204.8.187.74	11-Jun-07/2:42 PM
I don't get it.
Re: rear end of the storm by malpaso	Dovina 204.8.187.74	11-Jun-07/2:39 PM
Midwest rain will soak you this time of year, but it's a happy kind of soaking when the air is warm. At the front of the cloud is where the lightning lurks and where a lone cyclist or pedestrian sticks up like a rod to catch it, either that or the funnel.
Re: a comment on leaves of clover by lmp	Dovina 204.8.187.74	11-Jun-07/2:24 PM
I think the use of the Apis mellifera is too technically distracting for a poem of this kind. Your theme is good, but to introduce God's power into it near the end seems true, but out-of-place.
Re: a comment on Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina	Dovina 204.8.187.74	11-Jun-07/2:22 PM
I changed S2, L2 to “heat like we don’t get til August;” that gives ia bit of southern drawl and does away with the duplicated word.
Re: Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	11-Jun-07/9:41 AM
i looked up milo seed since i was unfamiliar with it. used a lot in birdseed mixes. is it used basically as a soil enriching crop for planting the "real" crop of wheat, etc.?
Re: Dixon Country Store, Kentucky by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	11-Jun-07/9:35 AM
my favorite one so far in the series. to me, a cycling tour is a great way to see the way of life in areas like this. the pace is slow enough to allow it to sink in, slow enough to really get "done" with something before a new thing comes along to try and understand. i imagine this is the conversation you heard around you as you ate before heading out, a "fly on the wall" perspective, on the "outside looking in", etc. etc. well done. the use of "May" only 2 lines apart (lines 4 & 6) is a little distracting. I don't know if you could use a different word choice (seasonal rather than monthly) for the first reference. or maybe these are actual quotes...
Re: a comment on leaves of clover by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	11-Jun-07/8:54 AM
did not know that bit of technical bee data; i will amend the line referring to drones' labor. the line about the truck loaded with nectar ("nect'r" to rhyme a little better with "wreck"), well technically nectar is used to make honey, so you are correct on that count. however, nectar is any delicious drink and also the mythological life-giving drink of the gods. i have partaken of honey as a drink (straight outta the jar, mmmm). also, i believe that honey has some amazingly wonderful health-related properties (ok not "life-giving"); i swear by lemon tea with copious amounts of honey whenever i get a nasty winter cold. ( http://www.bellybytes.com/bytes/honey.shtml ). so in that light, i would say that "nect'r" is appropriate use in that line, if none else by poetic license. thanks for the feedback; let me know what you think of the rewrite when it happens...
Re: Remembering Joy by ifni	malpaso 70.245.24.34	10-Jun-07/6:14 PM
great commentary on beating writers block and profoundly wistful and brief---just the way i like 'em. keep on writing!!!!!
Re: a comment on Persnickety by malpaso	malpaso 70.245.24.34	10-Jun-07/6:11 PM
your criticism is valid but if I could do narrative I'd be writing short stories and novels....seriously, narrative poetry is one of the best genres around but I just get too hung up in the middle of those i tried to write so i just figure i'd try and stamp concept or cluster of concepts and keep it short and sweet....i'm glad you had fun with it, that's what counts!!
Re: a comment on Persnickety by malpaso	malpaso 70.245.24.34	10-Jun-07/6:07 PM
what you say is true and I appreciate the criticism as valid. only thing is I write poetry as if mining for hidden concepts rather than mining for images (which is a good motive, too) and also, my attention span is about 2 minutes