Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears	Skamper 202.6.130.120	30-Jun-07/5:56 PM
very song-like, with an olde feel that doesn't quite make it...the punctuation is distracting. I don't feel anything for or from this write.
Re: Summer Festival by Christof	Skamper 202.6.130.120	30-Jun-07/5:47 PM
very cute just as it is
Re: Deeper by Skamper	Dovina 24.224.5.72	30-Jun-07/4:46 PM
Love ends! Frightened now?
Re: a comment on Consider the Grass by Dovina	Dovina 24.224.5.72	30-Jun-07/3:46 PM
What? No awe or even respect for The Keeper, holder of the all-important soil, maintainer of your grain-loving soul? Sacrilege! I suggest you repent at once!
Re: Consider the Grass by Dovina	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:24 AM
there's only so much excitement you can inject into a poem about grass growing, but i applaud the effort. adding the "I" in the last stanza seems not to fit very well.
Re: courtyard by lmp	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:21 AM
the word today is not needed.
Re: light [edited] by lmp	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:15 AM
i'd like to see something juxtaposing the skin of the grapefruit with the skin of the lover. the conceit seems to want it.
Re: Deeper by Skamper	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:10 AM
made me chuckle.
Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears	nypoet22 65.8.70.95	30-Jun-07/12:10 AM
this reads like a Gaelic folk song. Now for the music...
Re: light [edited] by lmp	Skamper 202.6.130.149	29-Jun-07/6:22 PM
I can see the image you are trying to create, and the contrast - but, find I would be lost if it wasn't for the comments above. So, maybe you need to put the fruit in the title somehow because I keep wanting to change 'rind' to 'ring' as if it's a typo...
Re: courtyard by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	29-Jun-07/3:42 PM
i can accept that the previously posted version of this in the concrete style sucked. i thank those that pointed out the flaws. while this may not be a better version, necessarily, it is at least more true to the original visceral response to (and memory of) the moment that motivated the penning of these words.
Re: Summer Festival by Christof	Dovina 65.171.117.171	29-Jun-07/3:28 PM
Either omit the one period or punctuate as prudent. I suggest the latter. Try omitting "and the" in L3, and "the" in L4.
Re: a comment on courtyard by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	29-Jun-07/3:27 PM
s1 is more "pedestrian" for lack of a better term. even a bit melancholy. s2 is more zen, mystical, hushed, contemplative. different weather, same place. different mood, same person.
Re: a comment on Summer Festival by Christof	lmp 141.154.134.3	29-Jun-07/3:24 PM
why did you vote for this yourself? just curious.
Re: Summer Festival by Christof	lmp 141.154.134.3	29-Jun-07/3:23 PM
i would start line 2 differently; it is disjointed and does not flow well from line 1. perhaps "we saw" instead of "there's" on line 2 or maybe omit "during" from line 1. no need for the "and" at the start of line 3. i do like the imagery and similies: "loose-limbed", "clinging", "flapping", "slick...like sweaty skin", and my favorite " dance a blissful drunken shrug". lines 3-7 very successfully animate the clothing as much as the wind would. a few nitpicks as indicated, but good work.
Re: Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22	Dovina 65.171.117.171	29-Jun-07/3:19 PM
I think you should drop the last verse. It's too telling, and really says nothing not implied above.
Re: Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22	lmp 141.154.134.3	29-Jun-07/3:16 PM
i do like the improvement of the ending, although i would think Alex would "sulk" his answer; "huff" seems a bit wrong somehow, as if he were flummoxed (but maybe he is). interesting bit that Alex(ander) is making the comment about not following Bush any longer; the origin of Alex's name implies leadership. extra point for the content.
Re: A See-Through Prayer by PsydewaysTears	Dovina 65.171.117.171	29-Jun-07/3:13 PM
The first two verses move along fine; I'm into it there. But in mid-poem, too many twists, too much I can't find allusion for, and wonder why every prayer should not be a see-through prayer.
Re: courtyard by lmp	Dovina 65.171.117.171	29-Jun-07/3:03 PM
S1 is plain and easy. S2 is kind of haiku - very sparse. The two together seem mismatched.
Re: The Riddle by lexxie100	Dovina 65.171.117.171	29-Jun-07/3:01 PM
It's so hard to be clear; why would anyone try to be unclear.