cat
on nice day by New Life Drug
2 Aug 2004, 11:07 PM
i know this sounds dumb, but i like how you said it, i just don't like the subject, i wish there was a subjective vote and an objective vote...
What do you think I'm trying to say? Honest question, not me being a smartass.
great poem, i like this more than ur others, seems to be of a better mood, -9-
Lovely! Great visual poem! Way to paint a picture with words! =-)
Nice rhythm. If I may ask, is there a reason "lie" is not capitalized? Typo? Just curious.
=-)Â
gluttony and greed
tried em' both
didnt sound right
you sir, are the devil.
what about gluttony?
swift and brutal -- like the horsemen - 8 -
truly, you are the devil.
what about gluttony?
brutal and swift -- like the Horsemen. like it
Could be said more effectively in half the words.
I was expecting some dribble here about love and falling and you know that annoying crap, but wow, not even...
Very sweet, nice for family, but it's slightly cheesy and obvious, but poems are for lots of things and I think it does well what it's suppose to be doing, but as a poem, well...
Love it! Especially the use of sequential numbers as an introduction.
Concise, abrupt and blount, but I still have that clear image of a tired commuter waiting for a train. What is the commute good for if not to let us dwell on our own depression?
Only small critique is that "But in of itself" is a little confusing. Still though, great.
The poem makes you (the writer) come off as arrogant. I like the image of the tiny ray keeping away the darkness, but "Led me find myself" doesn't really work grammatically and sounds awkward when spoken. You may want to either change it to "Led me to find myself" or "Let me find myself." It just depends on what you want to project.
Interesting critique Dovina. I have only written two poems . I wrote this not as a poem persay but to my x obviously.
Thank you for reading it and taking the time to comment.I am a visual artist and welcome critique.
The first 5 lines are good. Could end it right there.
I-miss-you poems are very common. They can be good if free from the usual cliches and having something more than the usual that this has.
I think you love Blobby! Yes more and more!! 8/10 is blobby?
Many blobby blobbs!
Ambiguous poems are facinating because they often bring back responses I never thought of, sometimes better than I thought of. I never saw him as already dead, or of digging him up, though now these are possibilities. And the metaphor of a failed relationship is another possibility heretofor unthought of. Thanks.
One of the better synopses of a mushroom trip that I've seen. Agreed about the last stanza though. Maybe a little too conversational to blend with the rest of the work. You do have some good imagery there, and it would be a shame to waste it, so maybe just try and incorporate it with the rhythm of previous stanzas.