| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
As the people become more hollow (Free verse) by Prince of Void It took years
I became a mystic
In the world
There is no believer
They are just consumers
Within the chaos
They live and die
Led me find myself as the tiny ray
Trying to keep the decaying day away
As the people become more hollow
Up the ladder:
From the despairs
Down the ladder:
Eclipsed Heart
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: August 2, 2004 2:14 PM PDT; Last modified: August 2, 2004 2:14 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7830 Comments:
[6]
unknown^user @ 68.107.136.25
|
2-Aug-04/4:44 PM
|
Reply
The poem makes you (the writer) come off as arrogant. I like the image of the tiny ray keeping away the darkness, but "Led me find myself" doesn't really work grammatically and sounds awkward when spoken. You may want to either change it to "Led me to find myself" or "Let me find myself." It just depends on what you want to project.
225 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
