Re: a comment on The Demonbaker's Death by PsydewaysTears	Ranger 86.131.62.243	3-Jul-07/2:39 AM
What am I supposed to say if people keep stealing my comments in advance?
Re: a comment on Consider the Grass by Dovina	Ranger 86.131.62.243	3-Jul-07/2:37 AM
It works better now. 'Sways to wind and rain' is exactly what I was talking about. Perhaps a couple more sibilants in some places to keep a constant hissing of grass? Maybe that would be a little over the top, but it might be worthwhile playing around with the sound.
Re: The Other Cancer by lexxie100	Ranger 86.131.62.243	3-Jul-07/2:30 AM
This is very good in many places, but when you force the rhymes it loses some of its intensity. If you want to rhyme (I love rhymed poetry) then try using a rhyming dictionary - there are plenty of good ones online - for greater variety. Throwing in some unobvious rhymes here and there usually works well, but the most important thing is to remember that rhyme is a rhythmic device, and should be subtle rather than forced. I hope this isn't from your own experience.
Re: The Other Cancer by lexxie100	some deleted user 64.140.228.142	2-Jul-07/1:37 PM
Typos line 3, stanzas 13 and 14. I think if you shortened this, compacted the abuses you describe, it would have more impact. Still a decent write though.
Re: Consider the Grass by Dovina	some deleted user 64.140.228.142	2-Jul-07/1:20 PM
The images here are very good Dovina. You have taken something simple and ordinary, something most of us take for granted, and raised it to the extraordinary--great insight and a great write.
Re: Consider the Grass by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jul-07/9:23 AM
i do like the rhythm that (it appears) you have tweaked. whatever, it works well with the theme. i hear the wind on this prairie, the soft subtle moaning through the blades as they rustle, bending and sweeping their neighbors. i also like the slow outward zoom, if you will, going from micro to macro, although if this was intentional, there are a few places where it breaks the progression: s3 & s5 zoom much further out. something about the last stanza is uncomfortable. i guess putting yourself into the piece brings the image of the expanse of the prairie to bear, but doesn't sit well with me. much in the same way that some tlevision commercials will lead in with some awe-inspiring imagery, only to ruin the effect by presenting their product. but that is personal preference... still, a great piece. thanks.
Re: a comment on Summer Festival by Christof	Christof 62.121.23.56	2-Jul-07/9:12 AM
Actually, that's quite a serious allegation in Poemrankerland. I'd like to know why you said that.
Re: a comment on Summer Festival by Christof	Christof 62.121.23.56	2-Jul-07/9:09 AM
Er... I didn't. How could I? I don't think the site even allows you to do that, does it?
Re: Deeper by Skamper	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jul-07/9:03 AM
are you in love with a sociopath? just kidding. i like it.
Re: a comment on Deeper by Skamper	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jul-07/9:02 AM
i agree. eschewing puctuation altogether leaves it open to the reader's interpretation. i would agree with Ranger only if there was a period (or "full stop", "full point" or "dot", choose your favorite nomenclature) at the end of the last line.
Re: -750,000 in Rwanda by ALChemy	lmp 141.154.134.3	2-Jul-07/8:46 AM
ugh. horrid topic, well portrayed. i think that the single line "hear our silence" is sufficient to convey the "shame on spectators" message. especially haunting is the last verse...
Re: Aesgntor by MacFrantic	lexxie100 72.64.228.124	2-Jul-07/7:55 AM
wonderful.
Re: a comment on Summer Festival by Christof	Christof 62.121.23.56	2-Jul-07/3:31 AM
Interesting - I can't see where to punctuate this without interrupting the flow of the thing. Suggestions?
Re: a comment on Deeper by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.132.193	1-Jul-07/6:19 PM
the end of the line should give you the break needed, even after the first line there is a pause - if you read the whole thing pausing after each line there shouldn't be a problem.
Re: a comment on Consider the Grass by Dovina	Skamper 202.6.132.193	1-Jul-07/6:16 PM
Isn't that the way of the poet - mixing of both memory and imagination. Even a memory is never true to the event. This is good stuff, I enjoyed it.
Re: The Demonbaker's Death by PsydewaysTears	Skamper 202.6.132.193	1-Jul-07/6:09 PM
notice how your first stanzas are shorter lines? That works really well - stick to that. I love the fantasy/goth feel of this...
Re: Sweet Anguish by sonawrote	lexxie100 72.64.228.124	1-Jul-07/4:13 PM
didnt like it at first but after reading it a few times i think it grows on you.
Re: A Way to Wander by MacFrantic	lexxie100 72.64.228.124	1-Jul-07/4:09 PM
makes you think. interesting.
Re: Lullaby by lexxie100	Dovina 24.224.5.72	1-Jul-07/2:02 PM
L4 seems there only for the rhyme.
Re: The Demonbaker's Death by PsydewaysTears	Dovina 24.224.5.72	1-Jul-07/2:00 PM
I agree with what ranger will say: Too much prose, too little rhythm. The same story will sound better with iambs and such. It's a good story.