Re: a comment on Consider the Grass by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	5-Jul-07/4:07 PM
indeed you are.
Re: Summer Loving by Christof	Dovina 207.119.192.70	5-Jul-07/2:29 PM
Slips on her heels to achieve the S Of breast and spine, of calf, of self. These lines could start something from her POV. As it is, it gets quite twisted.
Re: Cheers to the Eve of Christmas by lexxie100	Dovina 207.119.192.70	5-Jul-07/2:24 PM
Better than your last one. Shows more insight that at 15-person should have. "My story will become Just one more volume to Line the Fates shelves" could be shortened or omitted. The "fate" thing is much overdone in poems, not just yours. Try to find a new twist on it. The last two lines are good.
Re: I never Knew..... by SkateBoardGurl5799	lexxie100 71.101.237.16	5-Jul-07/2:13 PM
sounds like another tragic washed-up teenage story. far too common.
Re: Understand by Luv2write	lexxie100 71.101.237.16	5-Jul-07/2:09 PM
expresses something that i think everyone has felt at some time or another. very true.
Re: a comment on What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	Dovina 207.119.192.70	5-Jul-07/2:05 PM
Only if you don't know the following or don't care: When you're driving a semi on a two-lane road at 65 mph in Kansas, and a sidewind is pressing on your left side, and you're overtaking a cyclist, and the grass alongside the road is tall, you will see the future in your right mirror. Even if you see nothing because there's no grass, the cyclist will bow her head, finger the breaks and prepare for a blast of wind on her back. It makes her wobble and sets the scene for suction that follows immediatly and can pull her under your trailer. Some truck drivers know this and care. They pass as far to the left as possible, and if traffic does not allow this, they slow down. Others either don't know or don't care.
Re: a comment on light [edited] by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	5-Jul-07/8:42 AM
but i was eating a grapefruit, peeling the rind. all that would be left of a peach is the pit: pitted peach pit sits glistening with juice in sun drying somber brown.
Re: Farewell by Skamper	lmp 141.154.134.3	5-Jul-07/8:38 AM
agree with Dovina's coments and also with INTRANSIT. this does have a lot more potential, and you have shown us with previous work that you can polish this up.
Re: Promise Knot by PsydewaysTears	lmp 141.154.134.3	5-Jul-07/8:34 AM
first three stanzas work, then it all goes John Cage-ish and dischordant. maybe thats the way it goes.... things just fall apart.
Re: a comment on (Title pending) by INTRANSIT	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	5-Jul-07/8:23 AM
I liked it too. for the pseudo humor of it. The pinna is outside and the cochlea is inside -deeper. I'm not totally against the rewrite but thee opener about denial had to go. It was weightless. Thanks for the comeback.
Re: a comment on What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	5-Jul-07/8:10 AM
Thanks Christof. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that rewrites are totally worth the effort. Dovina ? Is there something that needs improvement ?
Re: a comment on (Title pending) by INTRANSIT	lmp 141.154.134.3	5-Jul-07/7:55 AM
i agree that cochlea had a tendency to make for squeamish feelings, but pinna falls a little flat. i think it is the reduction from 3 to 2 syllables. perhaps try "auriculae". it is a little more erotic sounding than "auricle" (which is a synonym for pinna) and it actually adds a syllable, but it works well in this case. i would also suggest changing "women" to "lovers". my guess is that anyone can use that sort of shade when things get steamy. understanding now your perspective (as a truck driver), this is a great sentiment.
Re: (Title pending) by INTRANSIT	Christof 62.121.23.56	5-Jul-07/7:13 AM
Hey, I still like cochlea. This seems a little less sensuous than it did before - I'm not sure what other changes have been made - but it seems to me smoother and less memorable. I wouldn't have changed it. But you can't please all the people all the time...
Re: What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	Christof 62.121.23.56	5-Jul-07/7:09 AM
Stanza 6 is great - I love a judiciously used pun. I think the last stanza also sums the whole up very poignantly. I'm afraid I don't know what an EKG is, so I'm not sure if I entirely get stanza 2, though the meaning is clear, but generally I think this is one of the best things I've read on this site.
Re: What the log book doesn't show by INTRANSIT	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:25 PM
I does not show the bicyclist you went clear over to the other shoulder to pass, knowing that your wind gust might knock her off balance if you passed too close, and her sigh of relief. Was that you?
Re: (Title pending) by INTRANSIT	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:19 PM
There's this collective pinna to which you all have emotional ties. It's difficult for all of us (women) to get arround it.
Re: Dark void by Prince of Void	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:15 PM
Oh, there’s a lost love in a dark void? Most intriguing.
Re: Promise Knot by PsydewaysTears	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:12 PM
Some of the rhymes seem forced. It comes out fine in the end though. Is it your wedding vow? Jk
Re: Farewell by Skamper	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/6:10 PM
I think commas would be better than dashes here. “What say you – Conscience” means that what you say is Conscience. But I think you are asking your Conscience what it says.
Re: a comment on Consider the Grass by Dovina	Dovina 204.251.247.214	4-Jul-07/3:24 PM
Outward zoom – a good name for what I was trying doing in the first three verses. Then I switched to a kind of historical march in the second half, and finally, an almost religious chant at the end. Sorry you don’t like the personal entry at the end. I don’t know how to bring the feeling I experience here in Kansas into the poem without getting personal. See my comment to Paul.