Re: Cotopaxi Store, Colorado by Dovina	Ranger 86.131.57.106	11-Jul-07/2:58 PM
Nice lyricism, I don't know what the stereotype of a country girl from Colorado is though - I need to travel more.
Re: Blanket Weed by Christof	Ranger 86.131.57.106	11-Jul-07/2:53 PM
You've had the Robert Frost touch in your last few posts; this is the only one in my opinion which creates more than a sense of triviality. Very enjoyable, dear chap.
Re: a comment on Blanket Weed by Christof	Christof 86.137.173.171	11-Jul-07/11:50 AM
It obviously is confusing, as the green fleece is the weed - the hand is the fish. You may be right about 'First'. No comma after water, though - the line break is enough pause. That would be too much and would add nothing to the sense. No punctuation lessons are necessary, thanks. OK. So is it not clear? I thought that the hair image was plainly referring to the weed - a fish doesn't move like that, and usually isn't green, or fleece-like. Is the hand not clearly enough the fish? I also thought the title made it clear what the subject is. If it isn't plain, the whole thing is, so to speak, blown out of the water. Oh damn it.
Re: a comment on On and On and On by MacFrantic	MacFrantic 71.229.128.83	11-Jul-07/11:33 AM
Spot on Dovina, you've also aced the reason for the length, but I've never written an undiscplined rant in my life...most mistakes are deliberate and if it's annoying, I'm usually embellishing.
Re: On and On and On by MacFrantic	Dovina 71.39.52.185	11-Jul-07/10:08 AM
Yes, it's an undisciplined rant. But I like: So I'm a disaster A miserable hackneyed bore And my mind's a whore Describes a "poet" writing to please masses.
Re: Blanket Weed by Christof	Dovina 71.39.52.185	11-Jul-07/9:57 AM
I think you can lose "First." Comma after water. The green fleece image for a fish stuffed and mounted on the wall works well, but the complex way you develop it will leave some readers wondering what you mean.
Re: bacardi, tall glass, lots of ice, diet coke by Skamper	Dovina 71.39.52.185	11-Jul-07/9:50 AM
"mighty" is just there to get a lucky 7, it seems. In what way is water frosty?
Re: On and On and On by MacFrantic	Christof 62.121.23.56	11-Jul-07/6:31 AM
I agree, this is too long and repetitious and inventing a word like 'diers' to enforce a rhyme just isn't on. 'I'm a headache in the head/Of an infantile cupid' is tautologous - where else would the Cupid have a headache? Really, this has no focus but misery.
Re: Farewell by Skamper	Skamper 58.171.54.220	11-Jul-07/2:30 AM
I know - it was all rather haphazzardly written. It is an old one that I stuck up here on my way out. I am travelling Australia for a year and will only post sporadically (got that from clueless)... thanks for the input anyway! :) cya when I can.
Re: Structure of a Woman by al-naafiysh	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 80.47.115.191	9-Jul-07/10:12 AM
"Nothing is more deceitful," said Darcy, "than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast." In your case, I'd say it's the indirect boast. But that aside, Womens always fancy themselves as "complex" creatures. The reality, I'm afraid, is heavily laden with shame: http://tinyurl.com/2bxrqo
Re: a comment on Dark void by Prince of Void	Prince of Void 80.71.125.206	9-Jul-07/4:48 AM
living is the selfish act death opens no door the poor and the rich they are not the same our secerts last in the silnce our lies will kill us soon what we have done it was to dig a tunnel but at the end there is no light and life goes on however we figure out or not do u think i care ? do u think somebody will notice that ? no one notice that
Re: a comment on Dark void by Prince of Void	Dovina 12.64.210.58	8-Jul-07/10:06 AM
Must you gush forth with passionate sentiment like "He can feel his heart again"? Don't you know that all is vanity and hopeless, and all we can do is muddle through until we die?
Re: a comment on Dark void by Prince of Void	Prince of Void 80.71.125.102	8-Jul-07/9:20 AM
His heart has been burnt Only ashes of it remained Heartlessly wandering around and around Thorough the dark void The lost love of a prince Who wants to feel his heart again? He put whys hows and Ives away He took the longest road and the mysterious one Where his legend will come to nowhere He will be placeless like those gods of myth He will be free of the destiny He can feel his heart again
Re: a comment on Dark void by Prince of Void	Prince of Void 80.71.125.102	8-Jul-07/9:19 AM
yes there is a lost love in a dark void
Re: a comment on In the maybe by INTRANSIT	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	8-Jul-07/8:58 AM
Definitely worth printing off and taking with me on the road. I know it's fixable. Thank you sincerely, Mr Panic.
Re: scene by Dental Panic	Dental Panic 84.27.244.4	8-Jul-07/8:24 AM
thanx for the replies
Re: In the maybe by INTRANSIT	Dental Panic 84.27.244.4	8-Jul-07/8:14 AM
There is a good line in here, the one about chrismas I mean, but on the whole it drifts off in the ‘I make some kind of statement’ direction. You know, this and that: is nobody’s fault, no one knows, all I have, all I can, undsoweiter. It’s like generalising the personal in order to express an all too poetic mood of inconclusiveness. Perhaps. I could be completely wrong here. But one does have that liberty in the warm wet womb of the internet. Anyway, speaking of teachers – I just watched Taylor Mali perform ‘what teachers make’. I think your logbook poem is better, but this one is worse. So much for comparisons.
Re: a comment on The Child in The Painting by PsydewaysTears	PsydewaysTears 76.27.223.88	7-Jul-07/8:48 PM
Yeah the "There's" are a bit overladen here, definitely even. The veil though, is just more on the separation of the world in the painting from the outside world. -ie the glass IS the veil IS the sky IS the dimensional boundary between mortality and beyond. Would you suggest less repetition of the there's or a re-wording of those parts entirely?
Re: a comment on In the maybe by INTRANSIT	INTRANSIT 65.29.60.146	7-Jul-07/8:05 PM
8? *pout*
Re: In the maybe by INTRANSIT	Dovina 12.64.66.80	7-Jul-07/7:58 PM
"sandpaper days" comes from some song I don't know. If not, it should. 1200 grit is extremely fine, I think, like polishing rouge, which is what the top of some heads look like. How it makes Friday fall short I can't see. Would be nice to carry the metaphor further. comma after hammer. Last 2 verses good.